Another Medical Update

Brace yourself!

This is going to come as a real shocker!

Do be sure to be sitting down.

Also, make sure all beverages are out of close reach!

The doctor ...

...actually...

...LOOKED at...

and

...TOUCHED...

...my shoulder!

You know, only because I started going to the doc ABOUT my shoulder...some 6 months or so ago...

Over this last 6 months or so I have seen/been tested for :

An allergist about my consistent congestion in my head...determined I have an over sensitive nose, gave me nasal sprays, problem solved.

A neurologist to check for carpel tunnel in my hands...determined I do not have carpel tunnel.

A dermatologist about a rash on my leg that's been there for some 5+ years, treated with SEVERAL different types of OTC creams & prescription creams...they did a biopsy, gave me a more potent cream, and I go back in on Thursday to see what the result was of the biopsy.

A sleep specialist about my consistent lack of energy & extreme exhaustion...determined I ALMOST have a mild, VERY mild case of sleep apnea - sleeping with a CPAP machine now for the last few nights....I still only get about 3-4 hours of sleep a night, most nights of the week...one child keeps me up late and the other gets me up early, the late to bed one still gets up in the middle of the night, most of the time. Plus, the pain in my shoulder still disturbs my sleep, when I am able to pass out from exhaustion.

I had a CT scan done that showed that I have a VERY small cyst in one of my sinus cavities...no real treatment for that outside of the nasal sprays.

Then of course I've had bloodwork done that has determined that I have perfect cholesterol, my hormone levels are all perfect, yada yada...one test did come back showing I had an overgrowth of a bacterium in my stomach that causes ulcers, was treated for that, all is well again...plus not taking any NSAIDs on a many times a day basis has done wonders for not irritating my ulcers.

Imagine the utter surprise FRUSTRATION that all of these tests and all of these treatments have done NADA, ZIP, ZILCH for the pain in my arm and shoulder! If anything, because I'm no longer taking the NSAIDs, neurontin, yada yada for the pain, the pain is actually WORSE. Now, I'm not talking about some piddly bruise type of pain. I'm talking pain that feels like someone has taken a simple wooden pencil, lined it thickly with dull barbs, and someone sits there, rotating it as if it was a spit over a fire, through the muscle that runs just above my shoulder blade.

I have dealt with this now for 10 years now. In fact, the original injury date was November 21, 2000. I fell down a flight of stairs. The first ER x-rayed my leg, told me it wasn't broke, have a nice day. The second ER, later that evening, discovered that I was pregnant, hence the reason for my extreme shortness of breath. Two days later I saw a doctor about not being able to really use my arm without this pain...she gave me some exercises to do, on my own, sent me on my way. Every fucking doctor since then has blown me off in similar nature. Treating me like I was just in there for pain killers, etc.

A whole fucking DECADE of dealing with this, and after seeing this doctor now for about 6 weeks, she running every other freaking test, up to and including sending me to a psychologist, has FINALLY TOUCHED my SHOULDER!

And guess what!

She noticed something!

*GASP!*

I have this HUGE knotted bulge EXACTLY where I have been saying my problem lies. *GASP*

Its so bad that she's going to send me to have an MRI done OF MY SHOULDER! My LEFT SHOULDER! The one that bloody hurts worst than 100% natural childbirth all.the.fucking.time! I've had a 100% natural child birth, I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! When I tell these docs that I rank child birth as a 7 on the pain scale and this pain in my shoulder is an 11 you'd think they'd get the hint! Especially since everyone says child birth is so ungodly painful! ...I had my natural childbirth 3 weeks after the injury to my shoulder.

She is also sending me for a second opinion, with a different neurologist, to not only check for nerve damage in my arm/shoulder, but to also see about the frequent migraines that I have. She wanted to put me on amitriptaline for the migraines. I haven't personally taken it, but I know all too VERY well how Brian was both on that and then when he came off of it...that scared the SHIT out of me! I am terrified of having a similar reaction, so we're going to try to figure out a root cause and go from there.

I also see my therapist in the morning. Last time I saw her she asked me to come up with just one thing to try working on right now. I still haven't figured that out, so we'll see how it goes.

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And again today...

...Well, it would appear that I have diarrhea of the blogging thoughts....

After talking with a few friends...then being talked at by some acquaintances I have made my decision.

My first area of concentration with my therapy sessions is to work on removing annoying 'relationships' from my life.

I'm not talking about those friendships, or rather acquaintanceships, that I enjoy on a surface level. Many of whom I speak with on a daily basis.

I also have some very dear friends that I know that it would not matter if we spoke on a daily basis or years pass before we speak to each other again, we know the other person would be there in a heartbeat. The fortitude of our friendship knows no bounds. I know that there have been times that they may not have been able to stand me for a decision I've made and myself likewise about some of their decisions, but regardless, when the water all boils down we're still there for each other.

But then I have those relationships that make me wonder. If I deleted them from my life would they notice? Sure, I know some of them would notice, but WHY would they notice? Would they notice because someone wanted to know what the newest thread of gossip was about me? Would they notice because they were genuinely concerned? What is their motivation in noticing that I've deleted them?

I still have a few weeks before I see my therapist again, but after having a long conversation with my wonderful husband the other day, a phone call a few days ago with someone, and then an instant messaging conversation with someone else late this evening I think this is the first step that I should take. To rid myself of 'hostile' relationships.

Its late...I'm sure that when I read this post at a better time, when my thoughts aren't constantly interrupting themselves, it won't make a lick of clear sense. I may clean it up then...make it sound like a sane person wrote it, maybe. Or at least a person who has her thoughts lined up clearly.

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Different Medical Related update

I neglected to mention that as part of my new treatment avenue my doc suggested I see a therapist.

I've so far gone twice. The first time I think I was there for almost two hours as the bases were touched upon.

The second time it was just a 30 minute session.

She wants me to find one subject to work on at a time.

Yes, to say I have a minor issue with that is another understatement in itself.

Do I just focus on the medical stuff?

Or the crap from my past? Lord knows I have just a few lingering issues from my past.

Do I focus on my marriage? Although, I do have to say that Brian and I did make great strides with seeing closer to eye to eye...or he meeting me eye to eye...the night before my latest session.

Or do I dive into other things that I haven't even mentioned to her yet?

She did touch a small bit of a nerve the other day as she was highlighting on the different things I have brought up....something that I can't let rest and keeps playing like a broken record, over and over in my head and to others who have been so patient as to listen as I turn it over out loud with them.

See, I feel obligated to keep up with some persons even though I feel like they really don't care to hear from me, about me. They're great if I call them up to hear how they're doing, but the moment I mention my stuff or the kids' stuff or Brian's stuff it's like they can't be off the phone quick enough. My therapist asked me if these persons weren't someone I felt obligated to spend my time on, would I? My quick, non-thought out answer was simply 'no'. I can't think of too many 'good' times I've had when either of them were involved. I can't think of any hobbies or activities that I enjoy that they enjoy. I don't share secrets with them. Bad things happen to me and they brush me aside or under the rug, but expect me to drop everything for them.

Its a constant fight of imbalances. I don't know if I'm looking for their approval or a way to close the book on the relationship altogether. In some ways I wish I could do both.

For now I'm not on any medications. I don't see the actual psychiatrist until December. I just get the therapy sessions in the meantime. I'm hoping to be able to work out the issues without medications but I'm fairly sure that won't be the case. It becomes a matter of do I need an anti-depressant? Maybe. An anti-anxiety med? I really don't think so. Maybe they'll skip all the way up to an anti-psychotic? I feel like it some days.

I really don't feel like I'm depressed. I do enjoy a great deal of my life and I do get a bit upset or irritated with not having answers, who wouldn't? But to go as far as to say that I need something to function through my day to day? I don't think so, maybe.

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A Post a Day

HA! Who am I kidding?! If you're an avid reader of my blog you know that's me doing more of that crazy talk I do once in a while. I can count you lucky though if you catch more than five new posts from me a month, much less anything more than that, especially lately.

So some quick updates:

1) I'm not pregnant at this time. I'm going to be seeing a "real" gynecologist sometime next month to get to the bottom of getting this Mirena removed.

2) Mikaila goes in on the 1st of July to have surgery done to remove her adenoids and have tubes put in her ears. I guess I haven't given y'all that news... Because of her speech and behavioral issues we've been seeing a number of different therapists and specialists. A hearing test was ordered, but before her doc would sign off on it he wanted her to be seen by an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist). The ENT noticed a lot of fluid built up, gave me a script of antibiotics to give her, followed up about 3 weeks later, there was zero change in the fluid, so the surgery was scheduled. The general consensus is that her tonsils and adenoids are larger than is necessary for a gal her size...likely have been all her life since she has snored every sleeping moment of her life. She's a big mouth breather as well, always has been, hence contributing to our problems with her being able to latch on comfortably to breastfeed, bottle feeding was slightly better, but I still had to hold the bottle just so. She's always ALWAYS had sleep issues...some months are WAY worse than others. She's always, ALWAYS, had a runny nose. There really is a long list and had she had a competent doctor to begin with most of these problems could of been taken care of a long time ago. Ironically it wasn't apparent or brought up in the traditional sense because she's only ever had two diagnosed ear infections. The fluid was always mentioned at her well-checks and other visits with her previous incompetent doctor's office, but nothing worthy of more note than that, apparently. UGH!

3) My ex has moved out of Oklahoma. He's supposedly living in Missouri now...and I just won't get into that whole can of "what the fuck" right now. There went my $200 a month child support payment...can I get a "big whoopdeedoo"/"what did you expect"?

4) Brian and I both have awesome health insurance now!

5) This week has been one positive after one negative bombshell all week long.

I'd go into more of the details, but I have an ugly stalker and care not to indulge her with everything too.

Later lovies!

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Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)

That basically sums up the conclusion that's been drawn related to Mikaila's behavior, speech, etc "issues". She basically just doesn't process things like everyone else and thus seeks out extreme or extra stimuli. Hyposensitive is basically what describes her best. Hyposensitivity is characterized by an unusually high tolerance for environmental stimuli. A child with hyposensitivity might appear restless and seek sensory stimulation.

The things I marked off under the hypsosensitivity to movement section include :
__ in constant motion, can't seem to sit still
__ craves fast, spinning, and/or intense movement experiences
__ loves being tossed in the air
__ always jumping on furniture, trampolines, spinning in a swivel chair, or getting into upside down positions - she will try to stand on her head anyway possible, hands on the ground, one foot up in the air, with her head down between her hands, she just hasn't quite mastered standing on her head, but she's working on it...its a daily battle almost to keep the couch cushion ON the couch! She loves to bounce, jump, hop, you name it. Her most favorite activity is to jump on our bed, when she's able to get into the bedroom. She's even climbed up onto my dresser and jumped from the dresser to the bed - there's an average of about 6 inch space between the two when she is able to get onto the dresser, just because the bed gets pushed against the dresser so I can open & shut our bedroom door.
__ loves to swing as high as possible and for long periods of time
__ is a "thrill-seeker"; dangerous at times - QUITE dangerous, QUITE often...I think I have gray hair now...and I've not even hit 30 yet!
__ always running, jumping, hopping etc. instead of walking - this one is hit and miss, as she WILL walk, if I make her hold my hand and stay pace with me...which could be counted as a quick walk by most 2 year old standards, since I am quite long legged, but she keeps pace beautifully.
__ likes sudden or quick movements, such as, going over a big bump in the car or on a bike - she LOVES going down the dirt roads & hilly roads, any dip whatsoever in the road produces a "weeeeee" from her, even if she had immediately before the "weee" been fussing


Then the Sensory seeking behaviors are :
__ seeks out jumping, bumping, and crashing activities - Mikeal really seems to enjoy this.. ..as he's often the "target"
__ stomps feet when walking - depends on the shoes she's wearing, the louder clack she can get out of her shoes the harder she stomps, she rarely stomps when barefoot
__ kicks his/her feet on floor or chair while sitting at desk/table
__ bites or sucks on fingers and/or frequently cracks his/her knuckles - not really so much, but she does bite her toe & finger nails...CONSTANTLY! I don't think I've had to trim them more than once since she got top & bottom teeth in..
__ loves/seeks out "squishing" activities - I think she satisfies this craving by putting the dog's food into the dog's water dish, making the food squishy, then play in that...she also like to play in shredded wheat cereal once it's soggy..
__ enjoys bear hugs - if you give her a hug and it's not tight enough she'll hug you tighter, hoping you'd do the same to her, OR she'll pull your arms tighter around herself
__ excessive banging on/with toys and objects
__ loves "roughhousing" and tackling/wrestling games - hence one of the reasons I can only scrub my kitchen floors if she's sleeping or isn't home, she has tackled me to the ground, with a shoulder to my throat, and its with MUCH more force than you'd expect from a 30 pound 2 year old, it HURTS to go over on a concrete floor.
__ frequently falls on floor intentionally - about the 2nd time she went down HARD on the, again, concrete floor or landing on a toy she'll look to be sure there is nothing in her way of going to the floor, then will throw herself with only enough force to be on the floor, not actually hit the floor....
__ would jump on a trampoline for hours on end - she can jump on my bed for hours and hours and hours upon endless hours if she's allowed...otherwise she jumps across the floor here in the living room, jumps from the couch to the couch cushions that are on the floor...always constant motion.
__ loves pushing/pulling/dragging objects - this one I'm a bit hesitant to mark really. She does love pushing around her play stroller, especially if the cats are agreeable to it, she mainly though pushes around her smaller furniture, tote boxes, and stools in an effort to be able to reach something that she wants.
__ loves jumping off furniture or from high places - I swear I have mini heart attacks 50 times a day...FORTUNATELY though she has only really attempted the unsafe jumping when Brian or myself have been there to "catch" her.
__ chews on pens, straws, shirt sleeves etc. - not really so much these items, but similar items, small hard plastic items mainly, like they're gum....I have given her gum and you'd think she just won the lottery or something. One small 1/4 piece of gum can keep her attention for the better part of at least an hour, she doesn't really start "playing" with it, such as with her fingers until she starts to get a bit bored with chewing on it, which takes a while...at least in standards of a 2 year old.

So her occupational therapist sent me a few copies of pages from a book - the book being The Out of Sync Child - the sections she gave me were mainly covering a "sensory" diet. Basically a lot of ideas of activities and stimuli to help her meet her cravings, and both of us keep our sanity.

If I have time later I'll put on here our sleep struggles and progress recently made in that area. :)

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Update about Mikaila's Therapy Progress!

Because I really have nothing better to do than try to hold her and receive several more bruises, I might as well...(1:30am, when I started this post)

Her vocabulary is starting to "explode" in recent weeks, mainly due to the fact we have been able to figure out that if the words come with some sort of ACTION she's more willing to say them, so we're adding in a little bit of pseudo sign language into her verbal language.

*Making a circle with both her hands, like she's holding a cup, is for drink & she says "dink"
*Clasping both her hands together, looking like she's begging with big ol' puppy dog pleading eyes is for please (Brian taught her this one) - she does repeatedly say "peassssss"...and really with that set-up it's HARD to resist
*She's counting to 3 now, usually starting at 2, after you say 1....so that goes "(me: One) her: tew, tree, WEEEEEEEEEEEEE followed by some death defying stunt.
*ANY time she even remotely bumps into ANYthing she will say "owie", make a bit of a fuss, get a kiss, & all is well again...this mainly started after she tried to stir dinner without my assistance - I had turned off the burner, before running to go to the bathroom, but the pan was hot & she grabbed it and the spoon to try to stir it. BUT now, FINALLY everytime I have the stove or oven on she puts her hand just close enough to test the heat, then will say "haw,(hot) NO, owie"
*She crosses her arms across her chest for Thank you, while saying "tanks" UNLESS her hands are full with whatever it is she'd been wanting, then she'll just nod and say "tanks"
*She follows me around, or when I'm getting onto her she shakes her finger at me and tells me "NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO"
*When she eats something she likes she'll let you know it's "g d tuff" (good stuff without the oo)
*Anything empty is referred to as "aw gon" (all gone) complete with a twisting of her wrists & she'll take the empty dish to the sink & trash to the trash can...now if I could only get the guys trained to do this
*and she'll "shhhh" someone, complete with a finger over her mouth if they're being too loud

That's all I can think of. Figuring out that putting an ACTION with different words makes a complete world of difference in our frustration levels with each other, she gets frustrated because I can't figure out what a finger point to the fridge is with the E E E and I get frustrated because she's frustrated, wants SOMETHING, is INSISTENT on trying to get it, but after 50 guesses as to what she may want and her throwing a tantrum that that wasn't WHAT she'd wanted, kinda wears on you, especially when it's repeated every few minutes.

She is starting to do a LOT better at transitioning from one activity to another, isn't focusing so much on one particular toy/activity. In the past she'd leave what she was doing for 2 minutes max, before going back to doing it or throwing a fit if she wasn't allowed to.

Her therapist did share a link with me on Sensory Disorders, that has a complete check-list of things for me to go through and mark off whatever I think describes her...go figure that she "scored HIGH" in the section of Hyposensitivity To Movement or Under-Responsive, meaning she constantly is seeking out movement, always has to be on the go go go go AND loves Sensory Seeking Behaviors, again movement related, so I'm going to bring that up at our next therapy session...

I just finished reading a lot on that site, as I was basically forcing Mikaila to sit still long enough to go to sleep But at least she's out now...time was only 2:40 when she finally STOPPED long enough TO go to sleep. It takes every bit of my strength that I can get mustered up at this time of day to hold her arms & legs still long enough to get her to BE still, then she'll finally relent when she realizes she is NOT going to fight her way out of it this time because I am at the end of that rope, so then she'll cuddle in, continuously move my head just so to suit her, move my arms where she wants them, often wanting me to squeeze tighter around her, then she's out. I honestly just don't have good strength to keep doing this and I am in so much flippin' PAIN it's not even describable. One of these days I figure I'll be able to have enough scrimped back to where I can treat myself to something like a massage, because heaven forbid my husband who went to massage therapy school for a short period of time, before one of his work related injuries, would give me a good massage. I know he works and such, plus has a pretty full social life so that puts time constraints on us...then there's the matter of Mikaila and her no sleepiness, making it such that I can't even think about going to bed until some 4-6 hours after Brian's been snoring.

I digress though. I'm really happy about figuring out about putting some actions with words, because she REALLY absorbs all of that unbelievably! Now it's a matter of figuring out some other actions to go with a few other words (mainly just for our joint sanity) and hoping that she picks up saying other words without actions to go with them all.

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