The Things I Carry

Cold metals have left their marks,

The smooth thin lines,

Barely recognizable as the years have passed;

Prove that I am capable of surviving. 

Laid there in fits of drunken anger

The blood, hot against the cold steel,

portrayed my marriage perfectly.

Four of them adorn my body,

each one followed by a promise

of sobriety,

of change,

of transformation.

At the time I believed he would

be the one to perform these actions.

Vile from my heart would fall out,

sounding like gentle roses upon his ears;

promises that I would love him,

be true to him,

and stand by him.

With each instance that I had to reaffirm

these promises to him

my resolve to find a way to escape solidified.

I changed from a young girl

wishing to be blissfully married

to a mother of a young child.

I transformed myself

from a scared mother

to a strong,

independent,

single mother.

Fresher marks now adorn my body.

Creases around my mouth and eyes

prove that I have learned to laugh again,

to smile without end.

Other new metals now wrap my finger;

the combination of metals and stones

affirm to me that I am now safe,

loved,

cherished.

The cool metals now warm my heart and soul.

The scars across my abdomen,

numb to the touch

attest that I have birthed two healthy children.

Their laughter and giggles fill my head

and overflow my heart on a daily basis.

My body carries permanent reminders

of a life I once lived

as well as markers of a life I live now.

I sobered up to the idea of what love,

faithfulness,

and marriage was about.

The scars I carry with me

serve as a reminder to a life once lived;

a warning to others of a life that shouldn’t be theirs;

a prayer that intelligence overrides passion.

....Mostly written as part of my Literature writing assignment in response to "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien, but wish to keep it & share it here.

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Warning: This is long.

This blog post is going to most likely be fairly jumbled and confusing and annoying and I can't promise that I won't swear during it. In fact, one can almost put money on the fact there is going to be swearing. Sadly I don't have words strong enough to express my complete disgust and irritation and pissed-offness that has prompted this post...I'm not even terribly sure such words even exist, so I'll see what I can do to create one or two.

So anyways...you may want to grab a piece of paper and create your own timeline and see if you can make any sort of sense of it all with me.

I was pulled over for speeding on Saturday. Legitimately speeding...I was irritated at an idiot driver, sped up to avoid a collision, didn't pay attention 1/2 a mile down the road that I was well over the speed limit, until it was a hair too late. Not the biggest big deal....I'd thought. Annoying & upsetting, for sure, but I was in the wrong and I'm a big girl who wears her big girl panties, I know when I'm in the wrong and can accept the consequences of my actions. It sucks, but it is what it is...

Onto the "I'd thought" part...I was informed that my license has been revoked.

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!

This is where you're going to need your thinking cap and a pen and piece of paper.

I have not been pulled over since October of 2005. Not for ANYTHING. It is currently August of 2011. So that's almost SIX years without a single moving violation of any sort.

I had originally lost my license in June of 2001. I was 19 years old. Got drunk for the first time in my life. While in the process of getting very drunk I was assaulted by a couple of guys, I left the party in a hurry, walked 3 blocks to where my car was. Unlocked my car, from the passenger side because my driver's door lock mechanism was broke, and it wasn't a fancy enough car for button unlocky thingys. After unlocking the car I hit the power unlock button, shut the door, walked around, and discovered I did not unlock my car...in fact I'd hit lock instead. The awesome part about that is I'd thrown my purse & keys into my car prior to shutting the door. So there I was, at 4am, drunk, for the first time ever, upset over being assaulted, and now my keys are locked in my car and I have no clue if I was still being followed or not - so was freaking out. I start wailing on my car windows with my pretty strappy heeled shoes when a cop rolls through the parking lot and asks me if everything was alright. I gave him the story about locking my keys in my car...left out the part about the assault, etc because I was upset in that moment about my car..and I was drunk. Drunk people are NOT rational, AT ALL. At least I'm not when I'm drunk. Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda, but didn't...yea... Anyways...the cop gets out of his car, looks in the window & sees my keys & purse laying right there, pulls out a slim jim from the trunk of his car & unlocks my car for me. I AM FUCKING DRUNK AND 19, PEOPLE! THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS! I get in my car and drive off. Two blocks down the road Mr. Nice Cop pulls me over, asks me if I've been drinking, because he said I was driving with my bright lights on, through town. Do understand at this point my bright lights did not even work on that car, a fuse had gone out or the switch had, can't remember now...but I was drunk & had only had the used car for almost a week, and I am not rational when drunk. Of course I admit to having been drinking, etc...he calls my grandma to come pick me up & take me to her house, I was to stay in her care for at least 10 hours to sober up. Oh, and my breathalizer test showed that I blew a .095, which at the time was just .005 below the legal limit...the next month the new law went into effect that the legal limit was only 0.08. Anyways, several court hearings later I convince the judge that I'm not going to pay a lawyer $1500 in addition to my fines & such, she accepts my guilty verdict and life went on.

I was also a very stupid 19 year old. VERY FUCKING STUPID 19 year old! I LOVED to race cars back then, especially on the highway...yea, add those tickets in on a suspended license. So I racked up some points on my own. By the time I was 6 months past my 19th birthday I was newly married to my ex-husband AND newly pregnant AND getting ready to move 600 miles away AND this was all during that period of time that my folks both ended up in jail over my sister's lies AND the rest of my family thought I was being petty and selfish for not bending over backwards to take in my 17 year old sister and 14 year old brother to finish raising. I was FUCKING 19 years old! If my almost 40 year old parents couldn't keep a handle on their 17 year old child what in God's green earth makes anyone think I can? But whatever...I was pregnant, married, and moving far away...most of my biological family thinks I'm utterly selfish and in need of serious psychological help (although my psychiatrist thinks I just need to talk to someone more often than just once every few months).

Ok...so some time goes by, I work to pay off/down all my fines, yada yada...life went on. My ex & I moved back to Arkansas about a year after moving away, my dad was sentenced to 30 years, my mom got out of jail, my sister was living with her now husband, and my baby brother was back with mom...My license was still suspended - thanks to my racing on a suspended license I'd lost my license until I was 21. Not quite the biggest of deals since my ex never allowed me to do much of anything anyways without him, so whatever. The times I did have to drive I was careful enough to not get caught nor in a wreck, so whatever, what's done is done.

Then it got a bit dicey.

In December of 2002, just 4 months after Mikeal was born and 6 months before my 21st birthday, my ex was arrested. He was charged with attempting to sexually assault a 5 year old little girl...and I won't go into all the details of that right now because I don't need to REALLY make my blood boil more than it is already, but it ended with him being thrown in jail for a while, in Missouri...we were still living in Arkansas, he'd crossed state lines to do this... I ended up needing to move back in with my mom, in Oklahoma. A month later my ex's adopted father bailed him out, yada yada, I was convinced at that time that he'd just been urinating & she walked in on him...I wasn't a terribly bright 20 year old either, but I was in a dark depression then, physically & emotionally exhausted from the abuse, etc. My family (aunts, uncles, cousins) of course wouldn't believe my husband would ever do such things I accused him of, I was just making things up for attention and I needed serious psychological help still for wanting to leave this great man that my ex was and whom I had a child with.

What's really fucked up is my mom witnessed firsthand the abuse of my exhusband...he'd come in, drunk & cranked out, one night & hit the wall of the bedroom where Mikeal & I were sleeping because I was asleep....that resulted in a fist fight between my mom, my brothers, and my ex husband. The oldest of my brothers, who was there because he'd broken his back a few months before and was finally at the end of his recovery...and living at mom's during this time period with his (ex) girlfriend and their oldest child (who was 6 months old at the time)...was the first to jump up and respond violently towards my ex for having DARED to even act like he was raising his hand at me! Then mom got involved because not only did he act like a threat towards me but he then was involved in a first fight with another of her children...and my mom is NOT a force to be reckoned with. My ex ended up with a bloody nose & some scars. Mom had a bloody toe. Daniel ended up thrown/falling off the deck and had a concussion. I was on the phone with the cops. I WAS DONE! I was so far past done with having anything at all to do with my ex that I was just D.O.N.E. - DONE! The cop showed, put my ex in the back of his car, then came to talk to us. He thought it'd be best to just not provoke him and let him sleep off his drunk. WTF! Daniel agreed not to press charges since he'd just finished his own stint in prison not but a few months before that and wouldn't wish it on anyone...Mom then left it up to me to press charges, since he was my husband. I said yes. Then was talked out of it by either my mom or the cop, the rest of that night is a bit fuzzy to me, I just remember ANGER and disbelief. Here I am, with a not even 6 month old crying child, abused for over a year by this man, my mom is bleeding, my brother is puking & convulsing, and no one wants to press charges, in fact I think it even got turned around on me that I'd somehow provoked this violent rage.

Mom kicked us out and we ended up moving 100 miles deeper into Oklahoma, into a camper, at my ex-adopted father-in-law's house (Charlie). I felt slightly safer about being there because Charlie was not only a long time foster father to teenage boys but he was also the newly retired police Lieutenant. Fuck was I wrong. Anyone that ever wonders why a woman stays in an abusive relationship...this is the exact reason why. They're shunned by family members or made out to look like they're the ones in the utter wrong...that they'd somehow provoked the abuser into being abusive...because to everyone else they're the greatest piece of shit to ever grace the Earth with their presence. I was finally 21 but because of everything we never did finish paying off my fines and I was never taken to get my license reinstated.

In September of 2003, Mikeal was only 13 months old, my ex was given a four MONTH sentence with four years PROBATION for attempting to rape this 5 year old. His lawyer had been able to get him a plea bargain where it was reduced to just indecent exposure. And people really wonder why sex offenders run the streets. You can look for yourself even...Here's the national sex offender registry listings. My ex's name is Bryan Gilliam..you'll have to agree to the terms of use & then enter a captcha to search his name, but he's there. Last known address = moved out of state, to Arkansas...and that's all they know, as of about 2 years ago. Maybe he's in Arkansas. I suspect he's working under the table for his old boss, who lives in Missouri, but has contracts all over the country, selling newspaper subscriptions with a crew of young teenagers, door to door...somewhere.

But the most important thing about him going to jail is I was finally free of him. I did not take his family, nor their influence, into consideration. In October, less than a month after he was sentenced & booked, I wrote him a letter telling him that I was leaving him, I wanted a divorce, and that there was no way in any sort of Hell that I would ever take him back.

Within a week I started getting pulled over on my way too and from work. I had a toddler to take care of and couldn't do it if I just sat at home because my license wasn't reinstated yet. I spent a great many days in and out of that courthouse, sometimes my name was found on the docket other times it was like the ticket I was holding was something I'd dreamed up...On December 22nd my neighbor had gone with Mikeal and myself to Arkansas to take care of some of my license stuff...a good 3 hour drive, one way. We stopped at a nice place to eat, my neighbor got smashingly drunk, even though she was supposed to be driving me there and back because I wasn't able to get my license totally reinstated that day afterall. But my lovely neighbor was also kind enough to cause the waitress to spill a pitcher of beer on me.

I drove for 3 hours..it's nearly 2am when we finally get into the home stretch of the trip. Less than 3 miles from my apartment I was pulled over. I was charged with a DUI. Damnest thing about that is despite the fact I REEKED of beer I was sober...and the breathalyzer test proved that I was sober. I blew a 0.00. But because I REEKED and because this was my ex's hometown, where I was the horrible evil wife who was leaving her husband while he sat in a jail 500 miles away, they booked me anyways. Told me that I was somehow cheating the test. Now, if you remember back to the beginning, I'm a big girl and I know how to wear my panties...I'm not above accepting consequences for my actual actions. I was put in jail anyways. I did get to make a phone call to a buddy of mine, told him what was up, he agreed to call a few other folks and they'd have my bailed out within the next day or two, in time at least for Christmas morning with my 15 month old son. On the 1st of January (10 days later) at 2:45am I was released from the jail. Who in their bloody right mind puts a 21 year old girl out, on the most dangerous night/morning of the year to either a) find someone sober to come to the jail and pick her up at that horrendous hour or b) walk the 10 miles home at this house, along the highway. It was also freaking cold, snowy, I had a sleeveless shirt on, that I'd been wearing for 10 days already, and no coat. I walked those miles home and thankfully made it there alive. I never did see the judge...she was out on vacation I was told. When I did finally get home I called my buddy who'd told me he was going to bail me out...he told me he was told that I was being released the next morning and when he showed up the next morning to see if I needed a ride he was told that I was already gone. The 50 some odd voicemail messages on my machine over those 10 days I was locked away basically confirmed his story.

I was continuously harassed though. First by the cops, then by my neighbor lady, then by my landlady (who's son was best friends with my ex while they were in high school), then over time learned the rest of my ex-in-laws were also set to make my life absolute hell while I lived near them. I lost job after job because of them, I sank into a darker depression, I lost vehicles, my family were under the impression that I'd brought this all on myself. I started drinking HEAVILY. I will admit now that I'm utterly shocked that I did not get arrested a few times for ACTUALLY being drunk while driving, but by then the harassment had slowed from law enforcement, since it'd picked up with everyone else..and Charlie also passed away around this time. Coincidence? Yea, you can judge that one for yourself.

In February I had a 3 week work conference to attend in Austin, Texas. Of course I made arrangements with my mom, my sister, and a few friends of mine to watch Mikeal for me while I was down there because I wasn't going to be reimbursed for the $10 an hour childcare during any seminars, etc I had to attend on a daily basis. I went down there, a week into it my baby brother was thrown off the back of a car (car surfing in the high school parking lot, less than 20mph) ended up in ICU for a week. No one was willing/able to get Mikeal, so I had to make an emergency dash to Joplin, MO, from Austin, TX, in less than 24hrs round trip. I'd made some awesome friends during my time there who were more than willing to accommodate Mikeal & myself during the duration of my conference. Mikeal ended up with coffee burns at the hospital while I was en route. A nurse had left her scalding cup of coffee at the edge of the counter & what does any 18 month old child do when they want a drink & see a cup? They grab it. Burnt the right half of his face & his neck - 2nd & 3rd degree burns. Mostly just 2nd degree. He wasn't hospitalized for it, they treated him and he was back to mostly normal Mikeal by the time I got there. I didn't do anything about it at the time because I was on a tight schedule, my mom was already distraught over Duke still not being awake, and it was just not the time to get into it.

Over the course of the next week Mikeal's neck started showing signs of severe infection, my conferences all wrapped up, and we went back to Oklahoma...I didn't have the funds to pay for the out of network charges if I was to take him to a hospital there in Texas. We get back to our apartment only to find that my landlady had removed all of my appliances...said that the appliances were only on loan to me because a previous tennant had left them there when she'd moved out and had come to get them...umm, they were sitting there in her garage. But whatever, I was just done. Completely utterly distraught and just done. Packed up what I could, put the rest into a storage unit and left. I went to visit my mom to spend a night there or so and help her out with Duke who'd just been released from the hospital. Later that evening Mikeal started running a fever, I took him to the ER (weekend, small town, only thing available). Found out that the burn blisters on his neck were infected with MRSA and to make the trip even more fun I'd been bitten by a brown recluse as I was packing everything in my apartment and that was a nasty site as well. I wasn't allowed to leave his bedside because they were short staffed and didn't have someone available to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn't fall out of his bed. During the initial first week there at the hospital I only left the actual hospital room three times to go smoke. Yes I smoked then. I also quit then. Not even my mom would come up and sit with him/us and she just lived 10 miles down the road more than once or twice...she was too busy with her new boyfriend. My car was stolen from the hospital parking lot, with a lot of my stuff thrown out into the ditch by the parking lot. I don't know, no explanation, car was never found, or no one gave enough of a fuck to find it, whatever...

After Mikeal was released from the care of the hospital and we spent a week at my mom's for more IV antibiotics my boss in Tulsa paid for me to stay in a place there in Tulsa. A few months into that I moved to Austin, TX. I couldn't stand the constant harassment anymore. Lots of shit happened, the harassment never did fully cease, but I was far enough away from it that I was able to feel safe living again. Eventually though I had to move back to Oklahoma to get my divorce taken care of 100% as well as take care of my other legal stuff...namely all the harassment tickets I'd accumulated and said FUCK IT to.

During my quest to get everything taken care of I spent time in and out of jail because of warrants that had accumulated...sometimes being 'forgotten' resulting in not seeing the judge even for the first time for weeks. One judge, whom I didn't see until after I'd been sitting in that jail for 29 days chewed out the jailer that had brought me up there. She'd had several previous traffic courts and I should have been before her during the first one after I was booked. Other tickets that I KNEW I had been given during that time just seemed to 'disappear' when I'd go to take care of them...only to show back up in the system some time later...I really wish I would have been better about keeping records of everything then. I did learn from all of that though. I keep EVERYTHING. All utility payment receipts, all court papers, all pay stubs, all tax forms, all my calendars where I right things down during the year. ALL of it. I can't afford not to anymore...not after all the hell I went through then.

I not only was harassed incessently but one of my ex-sister-in-laws, who was constantly in trouble with the law, started using my information when she'd get pulled over, arrested, etc. At one point in time *I* was booked on meth charges and had a felony charge against me for it - I'd found that out during my first trip to this particular county jail - I had to then prove that I was who I said I was, complete with fingerprint cards that dated from the time I was in Kindergarten. (My record was cleaned of MANY things at that time, but not until after I'd paid a lawyer almost $10,000 to hunt down everything to be able to do so.) There were car loans, repossessions, house loans & foreclosures, credit cards, utility bills, checking accounts, I don't know but it amounted to almost $700,000 of debt on my credit report. If you're new reading my blog I'm surprise you're still reading, but I'll let you know now I have NEVER had a credit card, etc...the ONLY thing I have EVER bought on credit was a kitchen stove a few years ago from a Rent to Own place and that was mainly just because it was an emergency and we expected to be able to find a decent working one quick enough to not have to pay on the 'new' one for too long...such isn't the case, we've since moved, and now that stove sits in my basement collecting dust, since about a month after I paid it off. I LOATHE interest payments. Loans are the biggest waste of money a person can ever come across!

Anyways...It took me a while and several tens of thousands of dollars but I got nearly all of it taken care of. Once in a while something will pop up, but the number has slowed DRASTICALLY! Do keep in mind that this was all around 2003-5 so things like identity theft were still 'newish' and when you're a single mom just trying to raise your child, while going through a horrid divorce and being harassed not only by your ex-in-laws but also by law enforcement that's supposed to be on the side of right and truth it's all QUITE overwhelming and the only thing you want to do is just move on with your life so you can breath for a moment...and that screwed my ass. I got to where instead of just fighting and fighting and paying lawyers I'd just pay things off, hang my head, plea no contest, and let it be. I was so screwed, I felt, anyways, and alone in fighting all of it and trying to support Mikeal I just wanted to be done with it.

I ran off a few times for a while. I was pretty good at not getting caught...my last ticket/run-in was in 2005.

In September of 2008 I was involved in an accident, a teenager saw the light was green, but didn't take notice of the fact that I had just barely taken my foot off the brake, because I had been stopped at the JUST previously red light. At that time I still had a few outstanding tickets etc to take care of but the judge told me, when I showed up for my court hearing for not having a license, after the wreck, that if I got everything taken care of and showed him a new reinstated license he'd drop the charges against me. My next court date was November 22nd...I had everything 100% taken care of, by just paying it all off and retaking my driver's test, etc by my court date. I had my new shiny Driver's license in hand on November 15th or so.

I've not been pulled over since. At least not until Saturday, as previously mentioned.

I've ran out of steam on writing this blog post...and if you're still reading, I'm shocked. But the end result is I still am fighting crap that I was ASSURED was taken care of, by court officials, 3 years ago. I have all the paperwork to prove I've paid everything. When my insurance agency ran my license, when we got insurance here, 18 months ago it came back clean...or at least nothing of the last 3 years. Then they do another check every 6 months. Our insurance just renewed in May. So as of May, as in three months ago, my license was still good by insurance company records. Here it is August, I've not been to Oklahoma in 18 months, and Oklahoma has revoked my license.

Fuck me running with a splintered bat anally. I'm TIRED of this BULLSHIT!

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Depression

...sucks.

That's really all I have to say, but I'll likely ramble anyways about whatever escapes from my fingers onto this post by use of the keyboard.

In no particular order:

I miss my dad. He's been dead now for just over four years, but I've not gotten to hang out with him in 10. Sure we talked on the phone a few times & wrote a few letters back and forth, but it wasn't the same. See, my dad spent the last 6 years of his life sitting behind bars. He was given a 30 year sentence for a crime I don't believe he committed. Of course the argument stands that if he didn't commit it then he wouldn't have been given a 30 year sentence, not in this day & age...yea, our judicial system is so upright where innocent folks aren't locked away & the guilty are that - guilty. I mean, just look at the whole Casey Anthony or O.J. Simpson things, right?

I rest my case.

I've tried really hard over the last 10 years to wrap my brain around it to the point that it's so wrapped I think it's just warped instead. I really don't want to believe either side. If I take my dad's side of things and defend him, well, I've lost a great deal of close relationships because I did take his side. If I take his accuser's side then I am compelled to be completely disgusted with my father, but also betray what my heart & mind tells me. The most fucked up part of all that is I may not be quite so conflicted about it had some folks not been so adamant that my dad was completely innocent...until my grandparents both died. It was almost immediately upon their deaths that all these folks, who'd supported my dad, bailed on him, trash talked him, and to this day paint him as the worst kind of scum to walk the planet. Of course his accuser went from just a spoiled little brat trying to get what she wanted to the patron saint of all that's right but wrong in the world, a poor innocent victim. Fuck her.

I miss the children that I birthed that were born with barely a fighting chance at life. Dear Alonna was a victim of doctors not putting all the pieces together & me being so utterly depressed I barely made it through the last half of my senior year of high school. Her father, my first husband, was killed in a car wreck days after we'd gotten married. During our short marriage, because I was a FIRM "virgin until marriage" person, I conceived her. Between severe depression, ulcers, stress, school, work, family life, God only knows what all ailed me at that time, doctors had me on a nice little cocktail of medications to treat each and every ailment. No heed was paid to the notion I could have been pregnant. Hell, I didn't even think anything of it. I still had bleeding from time to time, I didn't pay that close attention to timing and all that because I wasn't having sex...had only had sex twice, and it was in wedlock. Teenage pregnancy doesn't happen except out of wedlock, right? OH, YES, I was a naive one back then. She was born in December...in fact she, Mikaila & my Grandpa all share the same birthday, December 13th. My pregnancy wasn't confirmed until after I'd fallen down a flight of stairs just a few weeks before. The fall down the stairs wasn't detrimental to her, even though I'd like to blame something so innocent on the loss of her life. No. She was born with very underdeveloped organs or holes in the organs that did develop due to all the different medications I had been on during the majority of my pregnancy. I was given the option to have a late-term abortion, but I wouldn't hear of it! What kind of fucking moron suggests such a thing to an 18 year old gal who's not only lost her husband & best friend since preschool, but is now finding out she's PREGNANT and VERY near her due date, just mere weeks after her parents told her to "Get your dog, your computer, don't forget your hamster & the rest of your shit & get lost?!" Simply because she wasn't paying enough of the bills anymore because she was trying to move out into her own place... Then of course I had her, without the first drop of pain medication, because I was scared out of my fucking gourd after learning about all the medications I had been on for the previous 9+ months. I still, to this day, have issues with taking medications & hesitate going down stairs... I PLEADED with the doctors & nursing staff to pull a miracle out of their asses. I don't blame them. They tried. For 14 hours they worked to sustain her. Reflecting on it 11 years later now, pieces of me wish I would have saved them each that grief. It's not the loss of Alonna that haunts me so much as the looks on the doctors' and nurses' faces as they not only tried to console me but also make my miracle come true. Thing that haunts me further is the stigma that "we don't talk about that".

Then there was Bridgett. I got pregnant with her almost immediately after Mikeal was born. Ok, not completely immediately, but I'd gotten my first depo shot after he was born, then my ex husband was thrown in jail for attempting to rape a 5 year old...I was given a lame story about how this little girl had walked in on him while he was peeing in a laundry room and it was just some messed up misunderstanding & all he was guilty of, from the early stories I was told, was indecent exposure. I did what any scared, almost 21 year old girl who's been horribly abused by her husband & no one there to support her, except him, with a 4 month old...I believed him & by my upbringing I stood by him. During the early hoopla of all that I missed my appointment to get my next depo shot, was pregnant when I finally did get a chance to make-up that appointment. I hid that pregnancy for as long as I could during the court proceedings. On our anniversary, in June, I was 23 wks along I shared the news with my ex. He responded by beating the shit out of me & throwing a 27" TV at me...back before they were just 10lb pieces of plastic. Then he left to go smoke some meth with his cousins down the road. ((My naive ass didn't know a thing about any of that until well after the fact.)) I carried my 10 month old son & drug my bleeding ass to a neighbor's house, where the lights were on...it was only about 2am...and they called an ambulance for me. All I really remember was about 24 hours later I was being released from the hospital & that my baby girl had died. I did file a police report. All that got me was a rap for being a troublemaker & liar by the police department. Afterall, the Lieutenant's adopted son would NEVER do such a thing! I made the whole thing up!

I'm proud of the fact that I went to the meeting with his lawyer not long after that...I heard the confession tape for myself & learned the whole truth behind the charges. He'd picked a 5 year old girl up from an apartment complex, took her into a laundry room there, & considered having sex with her before some of the effects of the meth & alcohol he was on wore off just enough for him to let her go. I then spent the next few weeks charming my ex. I'd swear up and down how I'd be there for him & I'd never screw him over, yada yada yada yada yada. He was given a 4 MONTH sentence with only 4 years probation. On September 22nd he was booked on the charges...I left from the courthouse, with his ATM & credit cards in hand, & wiped those suckers clean, including the overdraft privileges. I sold what clothes of his that were left over from my brothers picking through them, I didn't make the first one of his vehicle payments, then I broke every fucking rule that bastard had laid upon me of what I wasn't allowed to do while he was incarcerated. I'd then write him letters telling him about how I started smoking, was going out to the bars, sleeping with whatever I felt like, doing whatever I liked. That $900 wedding ring set he'd bought me & still had a nice balance on - sold them for $175...then had a GRAND time at the bar....at least I think it was grand. I woke up in the bed of the truck, somewhere. ((Mikeal was safe at a babysitter's, who knew/understood/something to that effect my mental state of mind at that time.))

A few months later, on Mother's Day, I called Child Services on myself. I was in a desperate state of mind and was under the impression that they'd at least help me. I was suffering from alcohol addiction, was basically homeless, and well...it was bad. Know what child services did for me? Nada. Told me that because I had the presence of mind to call them that it meant that I was a good mother and could figure it out & didn't see Mikeal as being in any real danger. I BEGGED and PLEADED with them to PLEASE place him in a safe home & to help me get into a treatment program. They didn't. The next day I left Mikeal in the care of my 'less than fit roommate'...while he was passed out drunk (not Mikeal, the roommate) and got a job a few blocks away, working graveyard shift at Waffle House. Thankfully I had some awesome coworkers that let Mikeal & I move into their one bedroom apartment...then instead of going out to the bars I joined a chatroom.

I met a TON of very wonderful folks in that chatroom, and minus a few details, I moved from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Austin, TX, to move into a house with a complete stranger. Folks down there would drive an hour one direction to help me get out and look for a job, others would watch Mikeal for me, one guy gave me a car...I met Brian during all of that...yada yada...I sobered up, mostly, and my mother grew up a bit. I went back and lived with her for a while so I could get my divorce taken care of 100%, then moved back to Texas, eventually reconnected with Brian again, he proposed at my dad's funeral dinner, we went back home, in Texas, pregnant, yada yada...we've been married almost 4 years now with a Mikaila added to our family.

My ex is still a complete asshole.

My current marriage, like any other, has it low points, but overall it's awesome. I love where I live now, I love my friends, & tolerate most of my family, but I'm completely in admiration of my children and husband! But yet I still feel depressed. The logical side of me says I have no reason to be depressed. There's nothing I can do about the death of these loved ones, I know that having another child isn't going to replace any of the ones I've lost. I can't pinpoint a reason behind my depression. I'm mostly 'at peace' with the trauma my past inflicted upon me, but then every once in a while it just completely blindsides me and throws me for a complete loop and I don't even know what to think. The littlest thing can set it off and big things won't even phase me. I constantly feel like I'm swimming in a black hole that is devoid of everything, but yet I can see that I'm surrounded by all these folks that I know love & care about me and I just feel empty, withdrawn, and sad. But mostly angry.

The anger bothers me the most.

I'm absolutely justified to feel the anger. I can't think of many folks who wouldn't blame me for completely lashing out at some folks who have caused this anger. But at the same time I'm better than that. I feel guilty for having this anger. I want to just let go of the anger but I can't. I can for short periods. Most of the time I don't even notice it lingering. I don't want to be angry. I don't like feeling this way. This in turn makes me not like myself. And the cycle starts again. I've done decent, in my mind, with coping with it. I've gotten better. Stronger. But it's still there, haunting me. I know it's effected persons around me, I try to keep it hidden, to keep it a secret...because it's just not one of those things we talk about... I don't even know how to talk about it. I don't know how to fix it. Sure I can repress it and pretend it doesn't exist...for a while. But I'm not comfortable with that and that fuels my anger, just in more directions.

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm not even sure I even know what I WANT to do. I just know that my head isn't always healthy & it may never be fully healthy...but I also don't want to go through the rest of my life with this anger hoovering over me.

This grown-up shit is hard.


~*~Then of course I'm searching for info that I need, again, for my assignment, that was erased by Windows' need to fucking update without warning and restart without allowing me to save any work I'd worked SOO fucking hard on...and I run across this blog post. I needed it. I'm going to start working on setting the tone to my own happiness & fulfillment...by starting on #3, especially.~*~

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I believe I'm on the Crazy Train

Crazy Train Incident #1

Earlier last week I got a friend request on Facebook from a chick I had never heard about...come to find out she's one of my husband's ex girlfriends. As in they dated for a few weeks, he decided she was utterly psycho, dumped her, all well over 10 years ago. Anyways, he can't say he didn't warn me, because he did. repeatedly.

I responded to her friend request, with a message. I simply asked her if I knew her.

She responded that yes, I did know her, that I knew her from when I lived in Virginia.

I responded back to her and told her that I haven't lived in Virginia since I was maybe just 2 years old, when my daddy was stationed there in the Navy, not been back since. I also added in that I spent much of my childhood living in Arkansas & Oklahoma.

So her next response was "oh, that's right, I knew you in Oklahoma, we lived on the same street".

At this point my jaw is just DROPPING. When I lived in Oklahoma I lived on a "street" if you'd call it that, backwoods barely paved road more like it, where maybe 10 families lived & I knew every one of them....the only folks remotely close to my age lived right down the road & were named Tania & Andrew, they were brother & sister - neither one named Stacie.

So I respond back to her, I ask her what city it was we'd lived in together.

Her immediate response was Tulsa.

Now my eyebrows are REALLY raised, seeing as I only spent maybe 6 months, total, of my life actually living in Tulsa...and that was when I was in my early 20s.

This chick is absolutely blatantly LYING to me and thinking that I'm stupid enough to go along with it and actually want to accept her friend request, on my Facebook? WTH!

So I keep up my end of the charade. I respond back and ask her which street or what year even...make it simple.

Some time goes by and she finally responds back...tells me that she was really young back then so doesn't remember and is sorry to have bothered me.

By this time I've completely had it with the lies and bullshit. I'm nearly 30 years old, I'm not fucking stupid and this chick is at least 5 years older than me and it's just absolutely RIDICULOUS to lie, period.

So I sent her a message that read:

I never lived in Tulsa until I was in my early 20s, you're 5 years older than me, so if you were really young when you lived in Tulsa, on the same street as I then I don't know who you think you're trying to play games with.

Look, I know you're one of my husband's psycho-ex girlfriends, by his words. By your profile you live in Alabama. I also know that you were only in Virginia for 3 weeks, well over 10 years ago. So at this point I'm going to have to agree with my husband on his "you're a psycho" opinion, primarily because at 30+ years old your wall statuses read like a 12 year old's and you, for some childish psycho reason feel the need to lie to me.

So if you have a legitimate reason for trying to friend me or Brian then grow up and state it.

She's not responded back to me and I don't expect her to.

Crazy Train Incident #2

Mother-in-law calls.

This particular event sends me into a spiral of mixed irritation & annoyance...maybe I've blogged about that particular history...if I have I'll find the link & post it here tomorrow, after I search for it...but the short story is that we don't talk to her or brother-in-law & his wife because they're, for lack of a better phrase "Jerry Springer types".

Anyways...apparently mother-in-law had talked to brother-in-law a few days ago and BIL told her that Brian & I had divorced; I'd kicked Brian & the kids out of the house & they were living at father-in-law's house. This was based solely on the fact that Brian took the kids to see his dad for almost a week while I worked to paint the living room. He had the time off, we had the spare change, it's not a far drive, & FIL is wonderful to spend time with. We weren't fighting, it was just merely opportunity was afforded for things to work out that way, no big deal.

Apparently in BIL's & SIL's world if one spouse isn't up the other's ass 24/7 it means they've separated and are getting a divorce. I'm absolutely comfortable & secure enough in my relationship with my husband to let him out of my sight for hours, or even days at a time.

I think this makes at least the 4th time that Brian and I have gotten divorced in our 3 1/2 years of marriage. MAN! Our divorce lawyers are making a KILLING off of us, no wonder we're broke! ROFLMMFAO

Since MIL, BIL, etc are all on Brian's Facebook (I have them all blocked) I'm considering having Brian change his relationship status to 'complicated' just to fuck with their heads...I think it'll be a blast...just fuel their stupidity!

Whatcha think?

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Society Lacks Common Sense

There's not really a day I don't consider just sitting down and writing this post, or any hundred other posts. However, I have a toddler at home everyday, all day, and she requires a LOT of attention. Getting lost in a blog post for more than just a handful of minutes, while she's awake, can prove to be disastrous. By the time she goes to bed at night my mind is completely frazzled and I neglect to make the post.

Currently it's 'quiet time' and Disney's The Jungle Book has captivated her attention, hopefully for more than just five minutes.

Anyhow, onto the post of the day...

~*~*~*~*~*~

We are considered 'working poor'. Another term so graciously bestowed upon my family has been 'below poverty level'. Hey, I'm not bitching about it, just stating the facts. Facts based upon such models as this one...if you check out the portion between 81% and 100% we fall in there somewhere, BEFORE taxes are taken out.

This is the level that my family falls in because I am not currently employed and my husband works 40+ hours a week, at $2 MORE than minimum wage per hour.

Again, I'm not bitching. I'll get to why not.

Now, this number could more than double if I was to go back to work. I could earn at least minimum wage and work 40 hours a week, putting us into that 175% range. HUGE jump there, you say, so then why not?

For starters...we have two children. One in school, the other not. This would require child care. Of course we could work opposing shifts, you say. That would be WONDERFUL. Only real problem with that is my husband doesn't have a set shift, some days he's required to be at work at 7:30 in the morning, other days he's required to be there until 9:30pm. Leaving me a shift of having to work from 11pm until 7am, if I get out the door, right at 7am and can be home by 7:15am on the days that my husband has to be at work by 7:30am. It could work, if I didn't also have to sleep...see, on the days he has to be at work at 7:30am, he's often not home from work until after 6pm, leaving me roughly 4 hours to sleep, during the hours that dinner is being prepared, homework is being done, and bedtime routines are going on. I don't care who you are, sleep is a necessity.

So we're left with having to pay for child care. Average of $100 a week for the younger one, about $50 a week for the older one, but only if they're picked up by 5:30pm, it can be more than double that if they're not picked up by then. So goes $150 of my $290 paycheck, at minimum wage, before taxes are even taken out. So $140 a week is left, after child care. That would be awesome, granted the only expense to consider was child care, but it's not.

We then have to add in the cost of medical insurance, co-pays, etc. Currently both the kids are covered 100% by state (socialized) medical. This means that we don't pay a dime for co-pays and everything is covered - dental, vision, prescriptions, ALL included. If I go to work and make more than $50 a week, before taxes, we lose this 'luxury'. My husband has a lovely family plan at work, cost is $200 just for major medical, every two weeks. So $100 a week, for all four of us, that's if we go with the $5,000 deductible. This means, in order for the insurance to really start kicking in we have to spend $5000 in that year, cash out of our pocket. We're also responsible for roughly $30 per visit in co-pays, and no prescription coverage. So to meet this quota, based on our yearly averages, we would be spending, an average, of $250 a week just for 'general' medical expenses. This $250 a week would come out of my left over $140 a week, after child care expenses, of course. Now we owe $110 per week, just because I'm working.

I'm not done there. If I'm also working this means we HAVE to have two well running vehicles. We do currently have two vehicles, one is completely paid off, the other will be completely paid off in February or March. So you say no real expense there, right? Again, you would be wrong. If I was to be working I'll need to make a trip into town and home again on a daily basis, so instead of just two trips or so a week, I'm up to 5, but then I'd also have to do my shopping and other kid trips on my days off, so 6-7 round trips, a week. Right now I spend an average of $20 a week for gas, for my two trips, working puts me up to at least $50 a week just in gas. Because I make so few trips at this time, not working, I can get away with just two oil changes a year, and only because we use the 'better stuff' and my husband does the oil changing. This would increase to about 4 oil changes a year, at least. So $3 a week for the oil changes, over the course of the year. Then there's the wear and tear of the tires. As it stands, I only really have to change my tires every two years. Increasing my mileage would put me up to every year needing tires. If I go with 'cheaper' tires, this is an average of $7 a week for tires. So just basic maintenance I can add $60 a week to go back and forth to work, not adding in anything else that may go wrong. I'm now up to it COSTING us $170 a week, for me to go to work, full time, again, before any taxes are taken out of my check.

Speaking of taxes, lets get that out of the way real quick. The average person pays in about 35% of their paycheck before it's even handed to them. At minimum wage this is about $100. So add that $100 to the $170 I'm already in the hole for, I owe $270, per week, above my paycheck, just so I can work and put us out of the poverty range.

Being out of this poverty range also means we no longer qualify for the $250 a month in food assistance. We're now looking at us having to come up with another $60 a week for groceries out of my paycheck. So now we're owing $330, per week, just so I can work, above what my paycheck would be.

To put it in one clear picture, it costs my modest family of 4 $620 per week for me to go to work. In order for us to 'just break even' I would have to make $15 an hour, and not miss an hour of work, in a 40 hour week - $15 an hour being double minimum wage. This doesn't include much of anything else, at all, this only covers the bare basics of me working - child care, medical, transportation, gr0ceries.

I hate that the numbers crunch this way. Because I hate the way the numbers crunch I've gone back to school. I'm hoping by the time I go back to work, with my degree, that it actually works out to my family's advantage.

At the same time of being grateful that there are such programs as 'socialized' medicine, food stamps, WIC, etc I curse the fact that there are these programs and that the numbers do crunch this way. It makes me look like I'd rather be using the system than working or that some how my quality of life and the quality of my children's lives are so much better because we do get assistance.

It may serve one well to know that yes, we have internet and a phone. No cell phone, and the internet service is only dial-up. Okay, I say no cell phone, we do have A cell phone, its prepaid, only 200 minutes a month, no texting, no web, no bells and whistles. We do not have cable or satellite TV services. We bought a $40 digital antenna that goes to our HD enabled TV, so free TV. We don't go out to the movies more than 3 times a year, and that's only if we're lucky. We go out for food, maybe once a month. The kids get a Happy Meal type of lunch or dinner about once every other month.

We have no credit cards. Everything we buy is paid for with money we have saved for such or we have simply done with out. I can only think of two things we have financed in the last 5 years. One being my husband's very gas efficient car, that we bought about 6 months ago, it'll be paid off completely before we've had it a year. It's a 2004 Ford Taurus. He has to have a gas saving vehicle. The other item we've financed was a gas range. We went through four used/cheap/free ones in the span of about 5 months before we broke down and did a rent to own on it. We had to have a stove with a working oven and that didn't leak propane into the house. Outside of that we've financed nothing and nothing has been put on credit cards.

My kids get regular new shoes, clothes, etc, same for myself and my husband. At the same time I refuse to pay $100 for a piece of clothing that has the same function as an article of clothing that only costs $10. Now, shoes are a bit of a different story, at least where my husband is concerned. He works standing on his ski-size feet for 8-12 hours a day, I can stomach spending $100 on a pair of work shoes for him. Unfortunately we've found out that a $150 pair of Nike shoes doesn't last a third as long as a $20 pair of WalMart shoes. But since finding this out we've been able to pair the $20 Wal-Mart shoes with some $30 or $50 insoles and wouldn't ya know, he's worn the same pair of shoes for almost a year now, instead of just a month. Its doubly awesome that we live in an area now that has a Wal-Mart that carries shoes bigger than an 11 for my husband's size 14 feet.

But the bottom line is this. I don't bitch about being 'working poor' or below poverty level because I know when all the numbers are done being crunched that I don't have far to fall. If my husband was to lose his job there's nothing that says I can't go to work and make enough to keep a roof over our heads. If he was to lose his job there's nothing that says he can't find a new one that pays just as much and we maintain our current standard of living. If we were to lose the benefits we get now things would definitely be a bit tighter, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. We still have room to cut things out of our budget and save ourselves another $2-500 a month.

I don't worry about my rent not being paid or my utilities being cut off - those things are paid first. If we don't have the money for some sort of extra along the way we do without the extra. If the money isn't there or something comes up we find a way around it and are able to come up with the money.

My beef is with persons who make more in a single child support payment than my husband makes in a month, while their spouse brings home an additional paycheck that makes the child support payment look like pocket change, and then they bitch that they don't have the money for groceries or worry how they're going to pay their bills or some other bullshit. And not but a few hours later they're telling you all about that $75 pair of shoes they've been eying for a while, and go ahead and buy them because there's something coming up that they want to wear them to, and then not likely wear them again.

Yes, common sense has died in this society. Common sense says that you live within your means. Common sense says that if you don't have the money for necessities you sure as hell don't have the money for something you want. Society says keep up with the guy that makes twice as much because you can always put it in credit now and file bankruptcy later if the money stops being there.

And people really wonder why the economy has gone to shit!? Its not something that has to be evaluated by overpaid idiots with a piece of paper that says they're smarter than someone else. I'm only a backwoods educated high school graduate, from parents who were C average students and not college educated and I can figure this shit out.

In about 18 months I'll be finished with my associates degree, from there I plan on pursuing a Bachelor's, Master's, and then a Doctorate, as I'm working to help support my family, I pray that its not at the cost of my common sense.

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I am a HORRID mother

My children ought to be banned from me!

My son is circumcised, my daughter has had her adenoids removed & tubes put in her ears.

Both my children are exposed to cigarette smoke.

I refer to either of them by their name, title, or individual pet name, as opposed to 'It' or 'Thing'.

I get a bit irritated with some of their normal for their age behaviors, but I work to help correct undesirable ones. I would never consider a child I was raising as evil, retched, ...or other condescending adjective that makes their behaviors a fault of theirs as opposed to a lack of attention on my part.

I let them play in dirt and other 'natural' things, to help them explore some of their likes and dislikes.

My house is no where near perfectly neat and organized, but it is child friendly.

My children know their manners - and USE them, even with complete strangers.

I allow my children freedom to be responsible. Either by allowing them to ride their bike without my hawk-eye on them every moment and by assigning them chores around the house.

My first child was exclusively breastfed, even though I worked on and off for that first 13 months, my second child was only partially breastfed for the first couple of months before I gave in to just giving her a bottle, thus ensuring greater peace for both of us at feeding times, even though I haven't held a job outside of the home since I was 7 months pregnant with her.

I have a husband who has medical problems, so I take on the bulk of the 'man' chores around the house, not because he can't do them, but because it's only fair after he's worked 40+ hours that week to provide for us and deserves a 'break'. He in turn keeps up with the kiddos - that is my break.

I'm not in the greatest of physical health myself, but I don't make excuses, I make allowances and then find a way to accomplish what needs to be done anyways. This could entail 'ignoring' the fact that something is out of place or just working in spurts.

I don't judge others because their choices for their families are different than mine, because I believe we all have that freedom to decide. There's also this clause about let 'he [she] without fault cast the first stone' and 'don't judge lest ye be judged'.

My children have a 'minimal' number of toys to play with, thus ensuring I don't have closets and closets and shelves and shelves of things to constantly have to be cleaning up.

If I don't want my child to get into something I either put it out of their climbing reach or behind a latch that they're unable to master until they're older. If they happen to get into something they shouldn't then it was my fault for leaving it out where they could get it. It doesn't make them an evil child, they're just learning. If I'm at someone else's home I am *mostly* diligent about keeping a close eye on them if I know they're prone to getting into things.

If my child needs some comforting in the middle of the night, whether that means crawling in my bed, a rub on their back in their bed, or even a super late night movie and snack, that's fine. They do know just what they need, it's my job to nurture that.

I, ALONE, (with the partnership of my husband) am responsible for the behaviors and actions of my children, if they behave in an unacceptable manner you can best believe I will do whatever the situation calls for to correct the behavior. If I find one of my actions to redirect ...or reteach their actions does not work I try something else, until I find something that DOES work. Yes, I have spanked on occasion and proud of it.

I have also found that 'do unto others' is a great rule to go by, within reason, with children. If they like to hit, kick, bite, pull hair the only way they will really understand the implications is if they've experienced such things.

It is in NO WAY up to me to determine what is right for another family. This is what works for mine. If I decide that in the middle of the grocery store, when my child starts throwing a fit about being hungry or thirsty, to serve my child a snack or drink that I plan on purchasing and letting her eat/drink throughout the store, that's MY choice. I'd rather have a satisfied child than a screaming one. Other times I deem it necessary to just ignore their fit and let them scream as they see fit.

I cook 98% of our meals, at home. Dinner is served AT the dinner table, with EVERYONE at the table (on the nights Brian isn't working). We all sit at the table together, with the TV turned off or placed in such a way that it is not viewable from the dinner table.

If someone decides they don't want something that is served a small effort is made to get them to at least eat a few bites, otherwise a leftover substitution is made or they just do without.

If they leave the table hungry because they didn't want to eat that's on them, I refuse to force them to sit there and eat if they truly are not interested in eating...this to me is an ACCEPTABLE natural consequence. I will put their leftovers in a container, into the fridge, then will reheat it later if they decide they are hungry. Afterall, I'm not always hungry at mealtimes, why should I expect them to be ready to eat right then. But they will sit there until either myself or Brian are done eating.

I do NOT deny my children sweets and 'junk' food. I simply limit what is available and make sure to have better alternatives on hand, at all times.

Stories are read every night before bed and bedtime routines are modified to fit the individual child to ensure that everyone is able to get some sleep (especially now that sleeping is no longer painful for Mikaila).

Rules at home are fairly lax, but rules away from home are strictly enforced, learned, and respected.

I use 'real' plates, silverware, etc and wash them over and over again, unless of course I'm going to have more people over than I have 'real' plates. My kitchen may be hot, my AC may be broke, and my dishwasher may not exist, but I refuse to be so lazy as to not be willing...or have my child, who is learning lifelong skills...to do the dishes on a daily basis. In the very least I own a $10 box fan.

I send my child to public school, without his own packed lunch on most days.

I do laundry on an every 3rd day-ish basis, therefore no one HAS to have 500 articles of clothing to have strung out everywhere. I put a limit of roughly 10-15 of each item (unless you count my shoes). Whatever is not worn & loved or has been outgrown just I give away.

I don't 'ban' my children from knowing their families because we have a difference of opinion, but I will limit their interaction with ones who are physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abusive. This even holds true for the dead beat sperm donor. He IS allowed, per MY decision, to have two hours of court SUPERVISED visits on the second Saturday of each month. HE chooses not to take advantage of this, not me. It is up to me to teach my children how to be respectful of EVERYONE, not just those that kiss my ass or bend to my desires.

I vaccinate my children, on the pediatric recommended schedule, just like I was, my siblings were, and likely my parents, as well as at least my cousins were and their children - the ONLY ones to have anything mentally or physically wrong with them are the ones that are afflicted with ailments completely unrelated to anything supposedly caused by vaccines.

I also had both my living children via cesarean - the first one because the doctor became impatient with me being in there for a THIRD weekend to have him, then I didn't progress quick enough for him to be home for dinner. Second one because it just wasn't feasible to attempt to drive 3 hrs to the nearest hospital that allowed VBACs, and because I picked her birthdate she was born at 37w3d - weighed in at 8lbs 4.5oz, with me smoking my whole pregnancy (yea, not terribly proud of that, but its done and over with and if 8lbs+ is going to be considered a low-weight newborn, born early, then so be it!)

For all of these choices and more I am PROUD of my parenting job. What I feel works for me, or what I'm learning doesn't work for me doesn't hold true for everyone, but that's their choice. At the end of the day all that matters is that myself and my children are happy and healthy about the choices I make (with my husband's help) about how to raise children. We may not see eye to eye but I can RESPECT that and withhold rude judgment, because who knows...in a few years I may change my mind about some things.

I also felt the need to add some more....

This was a 'response' to someone ALWAYS HARSHLY judging others' parenting decisions.

THEN takes and acts completely calloused about a motorist who, yes, was not wearing his seatbelt, but was killed in a car wreck. Calling it a 'natural consequence' and such. Just kinda pushed me over the edge of keeping my mouth shut and just looking past her judgments.

I seriously pray that she doesn't wind up with such a 'natural consequence' of her own...say loses a child because she wasn't able to keep all 3 from bolting from her and ending up getting hit by a car in a parking lot. I mean, in that case that would be considered a natural consequence, right? She should of kept better control of what her children did.

Or because she refuses to take one of her children in for allergy testing because they break out in hives on a regular basis from a food of some sort, that she's been unable to absolutely pin down and eliminate from the diet, that child winds up going into shock and medical personnel are too long in coming to her aid and she loses her child over it. I mean, that would be a natural consequence, right?

Then her 'pet' names for her children are Thing 1, 2, & 3...while referring to Thing 2 (the one also always breaking out in hives) as an evil, naughty, retched being...a gal who only happens to be a couple months older than Mikaila...when in reality it could be that her behaviors are related to her allergies, where many of Mikaila's were related to her ears...or in the very least related to the fact she's TWO, almost three.

Then other instances where she brow beat folks over choosing to have their young daughter's ears pierced, then turns around a month or so later and pierces her own not even (then) 1 year old's ears.

Or goes on and on and on about how HORRIBLE it is to send your child to public school...and has now signed her own child up for public school.

Or she goes recently and gets in her own wreck because she didn't pay attention and pulled out in front of someone, putting the lives of her children at risk, as well as the other persons in the other vehicle in jeopardy. Regardless of her "superior" car seat rules, if the other car had been going a bit quicker or been a bigger vehicle, besides a 2 door car vs her mini van, it could of been a completely different story.

Just CONSISTENT bullshit ALL THE TIME because she's so much better than everyone else.

THERE...now I think I feel better having gotten all of that off my chest. ☺

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You Might Get Lucky

I have cut down on some of my other online activities...okay, I'll admit to it. I behaved in an not as childish of a manner, but still a childish manner in reaction to others' childish ways and now I have some 30 less people to have to "deal with" on Facebook and am no longer a part of some forums. I'm also getting ready to finish my last day of class until next week, so who knows, you may get pretty lucky this month as I let go of all this word diarrhea.

I also no longer really care if my stalkers wish to stalk me, that's on them. They no longer know where my husband works or our current phone number, so the tension at home over their bullshit is just gone in that aspect, so I feel a bit liberated. Plus, I love my current blog domain name and have no desire to create a new one. Call me lazy, too, if you want but I also wish not to pack up this blog and move it. Then there is the small point I made some time ago where I said I wasn't going to let others' influence my blog and well I broke my promise to myself on that note for a while, but I'm "back" now.

I have real friends and family members that do enjoy reading what I have to post and it's not fair to them for me to withhold on the account of immature people who claim to be adults. So from the abyss of trying to appease people I am reviving my blog. Just as a refresher read this post.

Have a Happy Reading! I must now go finish getting laundry done, the house cleaned, and some floors scrubbed so that I may go out for dinner and swimming later with friends! <3

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A Post a Day

HA! Who am I kidding?! If you're an avid reader of my blog you know that's me doing more of that crazy talk I do once in a while. I can count you lucky though if you catch more than five new posts from me a month, much less anything more than that, especially lately.

So some quick updates:

1) I'm not pregnant at this time. I'm going to be seeing a "real" gynecologist sometime next month to get to the bottom of getting this Mirena removed.

2) Mikaila goes in on the 1st of July to have surgery done to remove her adenoids and have tubes put in her ears. I guess I haven't given y'all that news... Because of her speech and behavioral issues we've been seeing a number of different therapists and specialists. A hearing test was ordered, but before her doc would sign off on it he wanted her to be seen by an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist). The ENT noticed a lot of fluid built up, gave me a script of antibiotics to give her, followed up about 3 weeks later, there was zero change in the fluid, so the surgery was scheduled. The general consensus is that her tonsils and adenoids are larger than is necessary for a gal her size...likely have been all her life since she has snored every sleeping moment of her life. She's a big mouth breather as well, always has been, hence contributing to our problems with her being able to latch on comfortably to breastfeed, bottle feeding was slightly better, but I still had to hold the bottle just so. She's always ALWAYS had sleep issues...some months are WAY worse than others. She's always, ALWAYS, had a runny nose. There really is a long list and had she had a competent doctor to begin with most of these problems could of been taken care of a long time ago. Ironically it wasn't apparent or brought up in the traditional sense because she's only ever had two diagnosed ear infections. The fluid was always mentioned at her well-checks and other visits with her previous incompetent doctor's office, but nothing worthy of more note than that, apparently. UGH!

3) My ex has moved out of Oklahoma. He's supposedly living in Missouri now...and I just won't get into that whole can of "what the fuck" right now. There went my $200 a month child support payment...can I get a "big whoopdeedoo"/"what did you expect"?

4) Brian and I both have awesome health insurance now!

5) This week has been one positive after one negative bombshell all week long.

I'd go into more of the details, but I have an ugly stalker and care not to indulge her with everything too.

Later lovies!

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Mirena Drama

Well...I didn't miss my appointment today.

But the damned thing was not removed.

I have to go have an ultrasound done on the 16th or 17th to see if it's even still here. *sigh*

If it's in there then I'll have to find a gyn to remove it. That procedure could be as "simple" as them physically forcing my cervix open and pulling it out to me having to be put under anesthesia, my cervix being dilated and the Mirena basically surgically removed.

If it's not in there then I suppose all is well and hopefully AF shows her face OR they see a heartbeat at the ultrasound appointment.

I'm going to buy a few tests in the next week or so. IF my calculations are correct AND the Mirena has fallen out I should see AF no later than the 10th if I'm not already pregnant.

I've had the Mirena for a little over 2 years and in that two years I have felt pregnant every month when AF would be due, but never any bleeding. Back on the 6th-8th of this month I had what could be called just a bit of spotting, but it was brown blood...but still the biggest hint of an AF than I've had for the last two years. I also didn't go through my monthly "normal false pregnancy" symptoms this month. I also should be ovulating this week but haven't really noticed it like I have every month for the last two years....but right now everything feels sore and bruised anyways from all the "jacking" poking, and prodding that was done to me a few hours ago in their search for the Mirena strings.

I've always said I prefer "surprise" pregnancies over trying to plan for one and that I'd "ideally" get pregnant before going to have the Mirena removed, by it falling out and me getting pregnant and being none the wiser...Now I get to wonder if that actually happened... It'll be Friday, at the earliest, before I can get some tests...

I'm taking a test on Friday...then if it's negative I'll be taking one a week and the morning of my ultrasound...just so that I'm not "shocked" if a heartbeat or at least a bean shows on the ultrasound...

But mostly praying that if I do get a + result that the Mirena isn't in there... If the Mirena does show AND a pregnancy shows I have to go have the Mirena removed. Either way with it still there and a pregnancy my chances are 50/50 of the pregnancy not being viable. *sigh* 50% if I leave the Mirena in there for the pregnancy and 50% if I have it taken out.

My best options at this point are 1) I'm pregnant and the Mirena fell out beforehand 2) I'm not pregnant and AF shows her face if the Mirena isn't there 3) the Mirena is there, I'm not pregnant, and the strings are able to be found and it easily-ish is removed....those are my "best" scenarios.

Worst case scenarios: 1) The Mirena is there and I'm pregnant, hence the reason my cervix is closed up tight and the strings aren't visible to be pulled because my uterus has grown 2)The Mirena is there, but I'm going to have to have to be put under anesthesia, be dialated, and it removed 3) not be put under and they force it open to remove the Mirena.

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Ex-husband vent.

I'm needing to send my ex a letter of my intent to move....one of those things in our divorce decree, so that I can give him "adequate" time to file for a change of visitations, etc....either 30 before I move or up to ten days immediately after my move, whichever is most doable.

As it stands he's allowed visits on the 2nd Saturday of the month, under the supervision of a court mediator, between the hours of 2pm and 4pm. He also is not able to change the visitations from that until after he has participated in a divorce counseling seminar (judge's decree, I had to attend that too). So I'm not worried about my ex who won't show for court on child support matters to attempt to take me to court to change the visitations. Furthermore, my ex has only seen Mikeal TWICE since I left him when Mikeal was 13 months old....he's now 7 1/2. He saw Mikeal for a few hours during Easter when Mikeal was about 18 months old - my ex's adopted dad took Mikeal and I up to Kansas City to visit him hoping that I'd reconsider getting the divorce. And then he didn't see Mikeal again until he was 3 years old, and hasn't since. During this time my ex has also only sent 3 letters, and has made a few phone calls to my mom's house, or rather, had his mother call. Now, my ex-MIL started calling in early October of this past year, would call and talk to Mikeal on a regular basis...then stopped calling altogether, about the time my ex was picked up again on the failure to pay support...haven't heard anything from them since outside of the courtroom while my ex was sporting the county jumpsuit and silver bracelets.

BUT as a responsible, law abiding mother I am still required to do my part to inform my ex of where I'm going to be taking Mikeal.

I have to provide address, phone number (don't have one yet), and the reason for our move.

I haven't actually written one of these letters because prior to this move I thought I just had to update with the child support officers and the court, plus my ex was in either jail or a halfway house, and I'd just call his grandma (who absolutely hates him and his mother's side of the family for all the lies and stealing they've done to her) let his grandma know that I was moving, she'd in-turn tell her son (ex's bio father) and he's in turn tell ex's mother, and she'd tell ex...I'd know he got the message because I'd get a letter from him telling me what kind of horrible person I was for keeping him away from his son...as if his being in jail 600 miles away, BEFORE I moved another 600 miles down the road, didn't have anything to do with that anyways... But I found out today from my lawyer I have to send the notice to him since the protective order is no longer in place...it expired on Mikaila's first birthday and there hasn't been enough probable cause for the courts to renew it.

I really wouldn't even bother with sending a letter except for the fact his grandmother is in her 90s and she's already had to deal with physical assaults from him, threats, and the like, so I don't want her to be put in such a position, at least not because of something I told her and she passed along. She's a great lady, now that she knows I wasn't making up all the stuff I'd told them about my ex and my reasons for leaving him...my ex in a drunken state one evening, while living with her, went on and on about a lot of the things he'd done to me....prior to that everyone thought I was the horrible lying cheating whore he'd made me out to be, because there's no way that ex would ever do such things, he's made good money, he's the first one of that family to actually graduate high school, he'd never been arrested, and blah blah blah....VERY high marks for that family, let me tell you.

So my problem now is how do I go about writing this letter and then sending it so as to keep my ass covered with it all. His family is the sort that will use any chance they think they have to make life miserable for me...such as trying to bring me back to court to get custody of Mikeal...granted they haven't tried that since spending almost $20K to several different lawyers when Mikeal was 2 and the multiple judges laughed them all out of court, but still it worries me.

In also don't have an address for my ex...I have one for his mother and I think his bio father, but not for him personally...he hasn't lived at his sex offender registered address for at least a year, and it took the courts over 8 months to actually find him to arrest him, only to release him again.

My lawyer's secretary just said that I needed to send it certified mail, in the care of his mother to him and leave it at that. Again, I haven't talked to his mother since he beginning of November and then she claimed to have nothing to do with her son because he's tried multiple times to kill himself, she caught him shooting up in her house, so kicked him out, the like...yea, whatever, he probably just wouldn't share with her so she kicked him out, but that's something for another day...

Ugh...I'm so sick of trying to do right in this whole deal. I just want to be able to be rid of my ex and be able to live my life with my wonderful husband and children without having my ex always in the shadows of everything I do!

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Neighbor Gripe!

Yea...go figure, right. But it's been a while, thought I'd do a refresher here....

We've had issues with them within hours of moving in here.

They're the only neighbors we really have "close"...yea, not quite as close as if I was living in some sort of suburbia neighborhood, but almost...all my other neighbors are about a city block away, at least, maybe a block and a half.

Problems started right off the bat (April 2008) because it was raining and I'd send Mikeal up to catch the school bus - that at that time stopped in front of their driveway, and the old man over there chewed me out because Mikeal, wearing a poncho and boots, mind you, would walk over there to catch the bus. After about 3 days of this I found out who to talk to at the school to get the "bus stop" moved a whole 15 ft, where it'd stop right at the property line area, that way not only did my 5 year old child have to walk through my often flooded yard, but it also meant that the 15 & 17 year old kids over there would have to walk through their flooded, non-mowed, sorry excuse of a yard....OH MAN! Did they THROW A FIT! Cussed me out two ways to Sunday to our landlord's husband, who'd come over for a social visit, wouldn't say a word to me, just scowled at me.

Around May the 15 year old boy started being over here all.the.time. Decent kid, okay, no biggie...I thought...We'd have bonfires here at the house, birthday parties for the kids, Family dinners, friends over, no biggie, we're out in the RURALS! Nor are we drinkers or the "partying" type, anymore, not in years. They've called the county cops on us...nearly every time...after the first half dozen times the Sheriff's department just started calling us, if it was a "slow" night to let us know they got a call, and inquire about what was going on...I told you SMALL RURAL area, everyone knows us...

In March of last year we went to a Memorial service, when we got back home, just a little over an hour and a half, many things were missing from our house - XBox, controllers, games, guitar from our bedroom, things from the kids' bedroom, almost 200 DVDs...but the computer, TV, etc were all still here, kinda odd...plus we live WAY out here, ON the highway, it's fairly slim chances that someone would drive up and steal from our home, unless they took everything, not some piddly little things. I mean, I'm talking about they left the 42" flat screen TV, brand new revamped computer set up, all the DVDs that were on the shelf in their cases, except for my copy of Twilight...Yea, I'm not stupid. We did call the cops, filed a report, but the cop didn't do anything about it that night really, and by 7am I had everything back - I walked back to the house the 15 (now 16) year old kid lives in, he had his curtain WIDE open watching for me to walk back there, he started beckoning to me so that I wouldn't knock on the door. So I went to his window and talked to him. After about 20 minutes, and subtle threats of fingerprinting, the fact that he'd have to also be fingerprinted because he's been in the house quite often, we'd just have to do elimination prints, the works...he broke down and admitted to it & returned everything he could that morning, before the bus came, the rest of it, including my camera, FULL of pictures he'd taken - I thought I'd misplaced the camera a few weeks before, and just hadn't found it - of course the pictures I'd personally taken of the kids were no longer there, but he had the balls to insist I take copies of his pictures and put them on his flash drive. played nice, afterall I had a good opinion of him prior to this. We made a "civil" agreement that he'd work over the summer on things in our yard, would do the mowing, etc etc etc...yea, that barely happened. He was supposed to do $3000 worth of work at I think $10 an hour rate, and I'm GENEROUS on the time...yea, he almost did 5 hours worth of work before we quit seeing him all together, at least trying to hang out over here.

Of course we can hear the "mother" screaming and cussing out all the girls over there, including the 4 year old, you'd think she was drunk and in a fight with some hoochie in the bar....to top it off I can hear the cussing going on when they're in their house, with the doors closed, while I'm sitting inside my house, doors & windows closed with the TV going 5 feet from me...its BAD! CPS doesn't seem too concerned about it, I've gotten the whole "well, they have mental issues and we won't do much about it" blah blah blah Same basic story when I've called the sheriff's department when I heard a lot of fighting and gun shots - "they have mental issues, a family member just died, if someone winds up hurt or dead we'll hear about it and figure it out then" - HONEST TO GOODNESS, that is what the operator or a detective told me, I can't remember who I was patched to...

Well, just this past November one of my other neighbors, that lives a bit down the road from me, who often brings me a flat of fresh eggs, also had some chickens that he'd give me to butcher, otherwise he was just going to kill them and throw them off in the woods at the back of his property for the coyotes. About a week or two later the GAME COMMISSIONER showed up at my door. Apparently I'd been illegally killing and butchering wild turkeys....My saving grace was the obvious feathers still littering the fence line AND the pictures I actually took of the process...yes, there are more "graphic" pictures than the ones I have posted here.

Of course who else would be calling the commissioner about such things, one neighbor that gave the chickens to me, another neighbor that is related to the first guy, and he'd already offered the chickens to them, the other neighbor, who happens to be our landlord and the LAST people to really do anything with the law where petty illegal type things are concerned, or the ones who call the sheriff every time I spit their direction...you guessed it.

So tonight we had a pair of friends over, grandparents basically...in other words, an older couple that we love dearly. They came for dinner, hung out for a bit, left to go home around 8pm. During the course of this visit I found out that Brian had talked to the Game Commissioner that was out here back in November, after all he works where everyone knows him and the guy is a regular customer there....Apparently in the last couple of months there has been almost a DOZEN calls pertaining to us and our illegal poaching....LMAO Yea, the only killing we've done here is the chickens I butchered....and a few house plants....Not to fail to mention that the county offices here get almost a dozen calls a month on us. I'm hoping that it's true that they (the county offices) are going to file some federal charges against them for false accusations against us if it keeps going on.

The real KICKER was as Nana Pennye & Grampa David were leaving the old man next door hurried out of his house and watched to see which way they were going. The way it looked was he was half expecting them to turn into the landlord's drive - as if (no offense Pennye) my vintage Jag or Pantera driving landlord would be driving a Chrysler. Then when they didn't pull into that driveway he walked further around the edge of his house watching them until he couldn't see them anymore. He didn't even try to play it off by calling his cat or smoking a cigarette today...I was standing outside, to see them off, when he came racing out of the house...

I'm just so stinking SICK of it! GAAHH!

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On Second Thought

I'm not going to mess with making it private. Its my blog, the things I share here are things I wish to share with the public. If someone wants to continue to be immature we'll just continue to laugh at them, roll our eyes at them and the like. They're the ones getting upset over the content of my blog, and yet continue to read it, so they'll just work until they are able to find away around privacy settings anyways, so why give them so much more work to do, they already have a slew of kids and a marriage they ignore anyways in their endeavors to upset themselves, why should I contribute more to that?

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Just Going to Have To

Because of the extreme immaturity of some folks I'm going to be making my blog private, available only to viewers of my choosing, if you would like an invite and did not get one, please leave me a comment, or send me an email. Invites will be going out this week, I'll be closing this to the public in the next week or so. Kinda sad, I know for ME to have to put my blog private, especially when I'm not opposed to sharing it with everyone, but because of the immaturity displayed, by a persons or two, because they have issue with what I write but insist on coming back to get their panties in a wad, over and over, only to call my husband, whine to him about it, at his place of business, nonetheless, I'm just going to close this from their temptations. Its also been freaking me out QUITE a bit that they use the reason of "we just want to see pictures of the kids" is just kind of creepy. If they really want pictures of the kids they can ask, give an updated mailing address, not return the packages sent to them, not insist that we make NO contact to them.

Quite mature for them to seek out trying to create drama, it's been shown repeatedly that they're not mature enough to handle acting like an adult, they wished for us to make no more contact, so we abide by their "rules" only to have to hear from them every few weeks about some new complaint or whatever, thinking that they can make my marriage to my husband just as pathetic as their own. Well, guess what, those things that you call my husband about in regards to MY blog - he reads my blog, he knows what's there, he doesn't give me grief then about what he reads - when you call him and complain about what I write in my blog and he comes home and tells me about it - we have some coffee and a laugh about it, followed by an eye roll, and that's the end of it.

So that is that. Have a good day.

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Just a Quickie

Everyone is doing well here.

Mikaila has really taken to being potty trained, I've not bought diapers in nearly a month, probably should put her in one for back-up, but she has more not goings in the toilet with a diaper on than she does without, that includes bedtime. The only time she has peed in her bed has been when she's upset over having to go to bed, which of course gets her out of bed because then I have to change everything out, clean it up, etc etc. BUT with money being like it is it's better served that I just suck it up and clean up the occasional mess than try to keep a diaper on her.

I've completely pissed off my mother & step-father, what else is new there, I wasn't able to obviously do enough for them until it escalated to the point I just flat out told them I couldn't do anymore. It ended with me telling them they didn't have to worry about us taking advantage of them...yea, I'm confused too...anymore, and slamming the door on my way out, ignoring whatever it was my step-father was trying to lecture me about as I walked to my vehicle and drove off. They're both grown adults, they have no kids living at home, they can take care of themselves, neither one is disabled, so they can both go get a job that actually will work their employees (or in my step-dad's place, just get a real job & keep it).

I did get a lot of paperwork in the mail today for grants & loans & other local programs that might help us with getting the major work done on the house and with those things taken care of it will afford us the ability to do some other things - such as get us some decent health insurance, at least for Brian & I, the kids are both covered. So I've been busy trying not to screw all of that up completely.

Mikeal started little league wrestling a couple of weeks ago. He's really doing great at it, and really getting to be quite toned up! His first official tournament is this coming Saturday, the 28th. I was nominated & elected to be the Secretary & Reporter for the wrestling club, so that's proving to be keeping me busy as well. It's up to me to keep track of everything that goes on at the meetings, keep up with the wrestler's information on a few things, as well as make sure I get articles & pictures into the local paper for publishing.

Brian has had a few opportunities come his way lately, and maybe this spring/summer things will pan out so that he'd be able to pursue one of them.

And me...well, I'm keeping busy as mentioned previously. Grants & loans paperwork piled quite high on my desk right now. The Secretary/Reporter gig on the side. An almost 2-year-old that keeps me on my toes. I've also started up walking 2-3 miles around the high school running track during the times that Mikeal has wrestling practice and Mikaila isn't cooperating with sitting still watching the boys do their thing, for two hours. Now that I've started this Secretary thing I have to be present for each of the meetings, which I guess will be held each practice, so hopefully a friend of ours will come through with watching Mikaila for those two hours on Tuesday & Thursday evenings. I have a few health issues going on, but not sure exactly what is causing them or what it is, but I'll try to let you, my adoring public, know whenever I know. Then add that together with the stress that goes into telling someone that you can't be responsible for both your household and theirs, then they get pissed off at you over it, even though just the one makes a bit more than Brian, and Brian has two children & a wife (me) to support on his right at $23K a year (before taxes are taken out) and they both work, so I don't get it, honestly.

I'll also be typing up & posting some more recipes in the coming days, as I have the opportunity to do so. I have a whole range of yummies to get typed up.

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