Monday, February 21, 2011

An Exercise in Nothing

That's how I'm feeling right now.

Since having my Mirena removed, coming off the weight gain causing medications, and increasing my activity level tenfold, I have gained 21 pounds, after an initial 10lb almost immediate, no hassle, loss.

I hate that the scale says one thing, but I look a whole other thing.
I hate that my doctors all have always given me the 'obese' label, even when I was wearing fitting size 10 clothing.
I hate that I have no 'food' issues, anymore, and yet still can't budge the scale.
I hate that I can consume less than 2,000 calories in a week and gain a few pounds.
I hate the fact that when I had a shitty diet of insane amounts of Mountain Dew, convenience store foods, and Taco Bell I was able to lose weight like it was my that I have a nearly no junk diet, barely a single soda a week, scores of veggies, lean meats, etc I put on weight.
I hate that my body seems to be insistent at staying this size, no matter what I change or what I do.
And it PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF when someone makes a comment along the lines of 'you are really looking good, I can tell you've lost weight' when the scale says the exact opposite. The other day Brian commented that he could tell that my efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off...that I look to be fairly close to what I was when I was at my absolute lowest adult weight, 4 years ago. The truth of the matter: I'm 50lbs heavier right now than I was then.

I don't want to lose a great deal of weight. I have no desire to be in a single digit clothing size. A size 10 was what I was at when I was at my lowest weight...a size I hadn't seen since I was 11 or 12 years old. I was HAPPY with my body and my weight. I weighed in at 220lbs. I am 6ft tall and muscularly built. Seriously, tell me how many women you know who can tell you they are not only happy with being over 200lbs, much less be able to comfortably, without any extra assistance, be able to put on a size 10 pair of blue jeans, at 220 pounds.

This is a picture of me at 220lbs. It was taken the night I became engaged to Brian, March 28, 2007 (also the same night I became pregnant with Mikaila)...the baby is one of my nephews.

This is actually the best picture I have of me at the size I am now, although it was taken in May of 2006, at my baby brother's high school graduation party. Roughly 270lbs, size 18.

I think the crappiest bit about it all over the last few years has been the fact that I only gained about 20lbs during my pregnancy with Mikaila, who was born weighing 8lbs, 4oz, and by Christmas (she was born, via cesarean on December 13) I actually weighed only 210 and my size 10 pants I'd worn before I became pregnant fit me comfortably again. Since then I have fought a losing battle to just maintain.

Roughly a month ago I picked up my weekly workout routine...over the last week, when I have been going VERY hard at it I have gained 6lbs.
I do 100 push-ups three times a week - and not the girly, on my knees, push-ups either.
Three days of the week that I don't do push-ups I do sets of crunches that equals a grand total of 400 crunches each of those days.
I also spend a minimum of half an hour each day jogging up and down a full flight of stairs here at the house, non-stop and I also devote at least half an hour each day to doing Zumba-like dance.
In addition to all of that I do hard manual labor around the house, inside and out....just today I spent over an hour using a pick ax on the gravel driveway to smooth out a 6'x10' area.

My diet over the last week has included two steak dinners, one at Ruby Tuesday, paired with water to drink, one last night at home, cooked on the grill, paired with flavored water that has only 5 calories, if that. Outside of those two 'indulgence' meals I have ate a large bag of fresh spinach, two heads of lettuce, two tomatoes, two eggs, a small handful of shredded cheese, 3lbs of baby carrots, 1 handful of tortilla chips with salsa, and 16 dark chocolate Belgium truffles. I have drank the equivalancy of one pot of coffee, with sugar and creamer, 16ounces of sweet tea, and who knows how many gallons of water. That's it. Two carb servings over the last week, three servings of meat, and some dark chocolate have been the only 'bad' things in my diet and they've been consumed in great moderation. My calories burnt have almost tripled the number of calories I have taken in and I'm extremely frustrated with it.

I have no health issues related to my weight, my weight doesn't keep me from doing anything or wanting to do anything. I just want to be rid of this damned 'obese' label! Of course to do that my doctor wants me to weigh-in at 180lbs, at the very most, preferring that I be closer to 165 or 170.

I'm just fed up with the whole crap of it all today. Stepping on the scale this afternoon, after having ate nothing since 7pm yesterday, having only drank water all day, and doing a boatload of hard manual labor to level part of the driveway and doing 'real' yardwork for three hours today, gave me a gain of 4lbs since I stepped on the scale yesterday morning...the only thing I ate at all yesterday was a 5oz sirloin steak, two tablespoons of potato salad, a tablespoon of baked beans, and two small plates of green salad that was composed of iceberg lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, and a few pinches of shredded cheese, lightly coated with a fat free Ranch dressing.

No comments:

Post a Comment