Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Day Gone to Hell...again

Ok, I've only had Mikeal's surprise birthday party planned for 2+ weeks. Planned to be held at my house, the time being after Brian gets off from work.

I called my mom earlier, asked her if she wouldn't mind taking the kids for a little while...granted I've lived back here in this area for 13 months now, her only granddaughter is almost 9 months old, and she has yet to babysit for more than 20 minutes, TOTAL! Anytime I do ask she has some lame excuse or just plain doesn't want to. Well, today my sister and her little boy are going to be there. Mom said she'd come pick them up after she gets done with her grocery around noon. I call her at 2 to find out if she's still going to be coming to pick them up...yes she'll be there, but she's going to wait on my sister to get to her house first, my sister was on her way...its an hour's drive, my step-dad will be home, and so whats the big deal? 45 minutes later my mom calls me to let me know that she'll getting ready to be on her way, still has to stop at the store, my sister is coming with her. And wants me to just go ahead and have the party at her house. WTF!!! My sister's idea, since my mom's house has better AC...yea, only in the living room...not in the kitchen where I'd be doing the cooking...which I won't be able to do there because I'm BAKING some of the food, my mom's oven doesn't work, and she's not replaced it. Argument toilet is messed up...umm I fixed that yesterday! Argument 3 If they do come get the kids they won't have anyway to bring everyone back to my house for the party...umm my sister took her own vehicle, room for 7 in there, only room for 5 in my mom's car...which they're taking.


If it was going to be this much of a fucking inconvenience for them to come over to my house for a birthday party for my son why do I even fucking bother! You didn't hear me bitching when my sister wanted to have a fucking blow out for her son, at a location no one knew where it was, an hour away, me with a newborn, healing from a c-section, AND broke, I figured it out and I went, knowing it'd be rude of me to not go, even though I sat there and only one person there even said hi to me, and that was some chick I have no clue who she is, just some friend/family member of Samantha's husband...and she just commented on my cute baby.

Just fucking forget it, don't fucking bother, just don't come, Brian, the kids, and I will just have his party, although we already gave him his presents from us, but we'll just have the cake ourselves, and they can just go fuck themselves. I'm sick and tired of it. I plan something, something that I'm paying for, something thats cleared by everyone the first, third, tenth time around that its perfectly fine, and what do they do...EVERY FUCKING TIME last minute my plans aren't good enough. It was that way with my dad's funeral, that not even his own siblings attended who lived there in town. It was that way with my baby shower...that no one attended. That way with my wedding shower, that again no one attended. That way with my brother's Marine graduation party, that they (brother included) showed up late for by two hours. That way for my house welcoming party that no one showed up for.

I'm done, this is it. Good friends of mine refuse to show up for things because my mom and sister will be there, and then they don't even show, I'm tired of it. From now on I'm going to invite my friends, and my family can go suck themselves! :evil:

:roll: So they went ahead and showed up, an hour before the party was supposed to begin, and instead of taking the kids like I'd asked they just stayed here since it was so close to time... :evil: THE WHOLE POINT of me asking them to take at least Mikeal was so I could decorate. It was supposed to be a surprise party. :evil: They were also supposed to bring paper plates and the travel high chair for my nephew. Neither of which they remembered. He dumped his whole plate of food on the floor, which fortunately I have a dog that cleaned up, cause she sure as hell didn't. Then he grabbed her plate, and since we're having to use my glass plates, it was broken all over my concrete tiled floor...guess who had to clean that one up too. Yea. I'm used to doing cake and then presents, its just the way we've always done it. Nope, Samantha orchestrated for Mikeal to go ahead and open his gifts, I'm still eating my dinner because it was interrupted quite a few times, so I didn't even get pictures because it was done with before I found what they'd done with my camera they were all playing with while I, myself, cooked dinner for everyone, with three kids under my feet while they all chatted outside. They were also supposed to do the dishes, they'd offered since they'd forgotten the paper plates. They left as soon as their cake was devoured, barely even a bye, and forget a thanks for dinner and cake mention. No, I'm sorry, I've got to jet, its getting too late...just a snotty well I'm leaving you're just going to have to do them yourself.

Yea, Brian and I have had it. My sister is definitely no longer invited, and my mom's not welcome if she brings my sister. I've had to deal with it for a year, I'm done. I'm tired of being treated this way.

Goes on about how *small* my 37" or 42" TV is...I can't remember, cause I don't care, in comparison to her 61" TV...that I remember because she rubs it in every time I flippin see her. Goes on about how she has a Montero and how she'll never have a mini van :blah: I'm sorry, I like my minivan, its gets more than 12 miles to the gallon AND its COMPLETELY paid for.

UGH. I just hate her holier, mightier, better than thou attitude.

All and all Mikeal had a decent birthday party, it should of been better, but there is always next year.

Friday, August 29, 2008

A Must Read

My 16 year old neighbor kid was telling me about this series of books that he'd read, recommended that I also read them. As you likely know, I've become highly involved with foster care and we are soon going to be finished with our applications and classes to become full time foster parents. I also grew up in a home that was less than ideal, and spent a short period of time in a foster home, so I am aware of a lot of the things that go on, from both sides of the foster care system and what its like to grow up in an abusive home. Now, growing up it wasn't as bad as it could of been, but it also was not pleasant. With that said, I tend to not read books that tell of abuse and such as it breaks my heart that it goes on and often brings up a painful past of memories, but as I've grown and matured I've come to better terms with it and despite some of my own wrong tendencies in the past I have been working on over coming more and more of it every day. I have great friends and resources that have helped me tremendously!

Often though children are left suffering because of people's own selfishness, or something I have no idea, often ones who report abuse become the targets for some very negative things, I've seen it, as a child I assisted in it. I have learned that it is better to be the person who reports a child being wronged than it is to be the person who overlooks it or ignores it. I was a person who'd ignore it, make excuses for the abuser, or rationalize it in some other way...a lot of that had to do with my own fear of being outcasted by my peers, both growing up and as a young adult.

My first step out of this shell came almost a year ago. I knew that my nephews weren't living in the best of homes, and I can rationalize a lot of circumstances, but I've always known that it was not the case where they were concerned, and it took me years to get up the courage to report it. I stood the chance of their mother leaving with them and I never getting to see them again, not knowing if they were well or even alive, but I took that chance, those boys deserved that chance. It took several months, lots of research, and several attempts for the boys and their other two siblings, to be taken into custody, but they are finally, and doing very well, their mother refuses to aknowledge that anything was wrong on her end and thinks its nothing more than an attempt for those of us fighting for the children to take her children from her, you'll be hard pressed to convince her otherwise, I feel bad for her....but thats a whole other matter.

Yes, I'll admit, I was a horrible mother, who in every right should of had her own son taken by the authorites. I even reached out at one point in time to child welfare myself and blantantly told them that I was not taking care of my child, I had a drug and alcohol problem, I was homeless, I had no vehicle, no job, and I had more men in and out my door than most doctor offices...they pressed no charges against me, offered me no resources, packed my son up, sent him to live with my (then) mother-in-law, and told me that when I felt like it I could go pick him up and take care of him. I wanted help, I wanted to make a life for my son, and the system in that way failed me. My mother-in-law's house was way worse than the crappy situation I had him in, I remembered the stories of my ex, how he was smoking at less than 7 years old. addicted to crank and other things by 9 and a regular drunk by the time he was 10, not to mention the beatings, there was no way I was going to subject my son to that, no matter what it made me determined to get myself in order and take care of my son.

Within an hour of them leaving with him I had a job, it wasn't much, but it was something. Within a month I was living with sober friends. Two months after that I had most of my senses together, I was down to drinking rarely, I was no longer doing the drugs, and I had enough money saved up to attempot to make a new life for us.

One of the other things that helped me was instead of going to bars for siocialization, I went into chatrooms, finally landing in one for Austin, TX...I was living in Tulsa, OK. I virtually met some people, talked to one on the phone on a regular basis. He was a great source of encouragement and support for me. We came up with a plan for me to start life over there in Austin. I jumped on it. Now I was met with a lot of tough critisms from several, and a lot of help from others, as well as a lot of fun times. I met some of my dearest friends this way, and my husband. It wasn't at all easy, I had my moments of relapse as well as other obstacles, most of which I still deal with on a regular basis, but I learned. I take complete responsibility for my actions. Yes, there were other circumstances that played into it all, but it was MY reaction, MY decisions to react the way I did. Looking back I can see everywhere I made the mistakes, I can also see where others around me enabled me to make these mistakes, and more. They all looked the other way, made excuses, or were afraid that I might actually get the help I needed to make sure my son was properly taken care of, had I not been aware enough of myself and what I was doing things in my life would be no where near as good as they are now. Its likely that I would of been upset with them if they would of stepped in and addressed the problem with me, and I'm sure there were one or two that saw my actions and said something about them...but thats all they did, I likely got upset, they dropped it and proceeded to ignore the situation, only fueling me deeper into that lifestyle I'd made for myself.

Anyways, since I subjected you to all of that my main reason for this post was to recommend that others read a book by Dave Pelzer, actually he has at least a series of three, telling about his life and feelings growing up in an extremely abusive home. The first book, and the only one I've read so far is called A Child Called "It". It touched me deeply and I hope that it reaches others and opens their eyes to the realness the effects of abuse are, as well as the horridness of simply ignoring it.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


We got a new kitten today, his name is Spark Plug. Piston (our female kitten) does not like him. My mail lady found him behind some dumpsters while she was working her route and took him with her in hopes of either finding a home for him or taking him home where she already has 5 new kittens...I took the kitten, she caught me off guard while I was outside working on my tomato plants.

I also realized...after Mikeal got home...that they do not have school again until Tuesday...completely threw off my plans for tomorrow, oh well, he'll just have to tag along.

My plans for today were ruined because I had to wait on UPS to deliver our new XBox because the old one fried...hopefully this one doesn't house is again filled with the sounds of Guitar Hero III.

I did get my catch all room mostly cleaned up and re-organized, we'll see how long that lasts.

Mikaila is cutting more teeth and was highly cranky today, and did not take a nap...nice for me. .. Not really. But as soon as Brian came in she went to him, I made her another bottle, and she went right to bed. Stubborn child.

But thats basically it in a nutshell, I worked hard all week to get my house in pristine shape and today Mikaila put to use her mobility to make sure that now it looks like a tornado blew threw.

But there's always tomorrow to start all over again.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Long Boring, Pointless Rant

I have always bailed my mother out of her financial pickles she's found herself in, ever since I was very young, at least when I've been able to, yes she's helped me out here and there, as she felt "guilty" about not. :roll:

Anyways. I get tired of it. She doesn't exactly ask, but does lay quite the guilt trip like I "should" do more for her.

She pays a little over half the rent that we do, makes $3.00 more an hour than Brian, has no children at home, so its just she and my step-dad. She doesn't work any overtime, but still usually gets at least 40 hours a week, should be enough to pay her piddly bills she has and take care of she and her husband.

My step-dad does work, occasionally, right now his truck is out of commission, so no income from him, and he's not exactly the stick with a job type. :roll: There also are few jobs around here and he's burnt the bridge with the biggest employer here that he qualifies to work for. Anyways.

Because his truck broke down mid-week, my mom gets paid on Fridays, I offered to help him out, we were a little ahead this pay period, and I expected to get *most* of the money back today, at least the $50 I paid in parts...I call my mom, see how she's doing, I've not talked to her in a few days, and also cleared with her about coming over tomorrow to do my laundry, which is a normal weekly thing for me, to go over there and do my laundry. I also ask about the possibility of them coming over this evening to help me keep an eye on the kids so I can get my lawn mowed before it rains again...

She goes off on how she has all these bills and no money to pay them and :blah: how she's too tired and needs to help my step-dad find this part for his truck, :blah:

Ok, I NEVER ask my mom to watch my kids. She NEVER volunteers either. When I do ask I have to hear about her money problems, how tired she is, something, every time. She would beg to get to watch my brother's two boys, she begs to watch my sister's boy, she enjoys my kids, so long as I'm there with them. If I need to run somewhere and will be gone for 15 minutes, I have to load my kids up and take them with me, unless Brian is there too, or my step-dad already volunteers before my mom has a chance to deny watching them for a few minutes.

My mom also goes to the casino every other week or so, granted she doesn't spend "that much" and is "always ahead" that week. She also enables my step-dad to drink or partake in his "smoking". My step-dad is an alcoholic, got a DUI about 2 years ago, was forced to go to AA by order of the courts. He went with my "Grandma Pennye" and her husband for almost a year, and stayed sober for that entire time, and they were actually getting ahead pretty me he can fly through the beer. :roll: My mom had a fight with "Grandma Pennye" and the result of that was my step-dad and my mom drinking, again, almost every weekend. It was during one of these drunk nights that he first screwed up his truck in the first place, and I helped dig him out of the hillside then too.

:banghead: My mom refuses to see this as a problem. She also thinks that *I* owe her something, or at least I've felt that way my ENTIRE life!

My youngest brother was born when I was 5. I vividly remember being left at home, alone, with him and my other two siblings, who are 1 & 2 years younger than me, since the youngest was walking, if not before then, and I've done it their whole lives. I started working picking blueberries when I was 7 or 8 years old, 1/2 mile from our house, making $2 a gallon of blueberries to help out with "family expenses"...this trend continued until I was no longer living with them, but I still was left to feel guilty for not helping out, especially after everything happened with my dad and that whole mess.

Even after having Mikeal and having problems with that marriage I was left to fend for myself and Mikeal basically... he was 3 before she "let me" move in with her, I started trying to leave my ex when Mikeal was 5 months old, and I was living down the road from her then. I think a lot of the reason she finally "helped me out" was because of my step-dad. :sigh:

I've gotten to the point that its really starting to piss me off. I try to do something nice, and I feel like she slaps me in the face each time. I've tried to talk to my mom about this, but it only ends up in a fight and how she's *nothing* like her mother or mother-in-law, and that I'm just ungrateful and I shouldn't talk to her like that, that it was all my dad's fault that my childhood was so "horrible"... :blah:

Its so aggravating to me how she blames everything on someone else and that she tries so hard, but just doesn't get it. She often reminds me of a teenager or young 20 year old that needs some life experience lessons on how to have interpersonal relationships. I hate to say that about my own mother, but geesh, I think she needs to grow up some or at least quit blaming everyone else for her problems.

I just don't know how to go about talking to her that I need at least some of the money that was "borrowed" from me now.

And I get so pissed off that she makes me feel this way everytime I do help her out. Like I freakin owed it to her in the first place. In ALL my years I have never once "borrowed" money from my mom and not paid her back immediately, before taking care of my other stuff, nor have I ever borrowed more than maybe $20 at any time from her. Even the times I did live with her it was never "free", I would always buy the groceries, give her money for bills, and such.

I feel more like a burden to my mom than anything, a burden that owes her something because I *ruined* her life at such a young age. :sigh:

Friday, August 8, 2008

A Vent!

My XH. I can't stand him, can't stand to hear his voice, see his face, even get completely unnerved just by seeing a picture of him. He called my mother's house at least 7 times today. Twice while I was there. I finally picked up the phone and accepted his call to tell him to not call her house again. Fucker proceeds to tell me that the reason he has been acting so "horribly" is because his thyroid has been acting up for the last 5 years. Umm, I left his drunken drug using ass 5 years ago come September 22nd, so 5 years of thyroid problems...fuck him. Puhlease, give me a break. I might be 9 years younger, but I'm not fuckin stupid. Then pop off and tell me you've been sober for three years. Umm...your dumbass has been in prison for the last almost 3 years, duh you're going to be sober....which also means the 9 months that he was out of prison in the last 5 years he was not sober. The same 9 months he was living in Oklahoma with his mother and family, all of whom have been charged with selling drugs...crank, meth, weed, you name it, I had never even heard of most of the drugs before knowing his family. Then he goes on to tell me how it was his probation officer's fault that he didn't pay the ordered child support. WTF! I know BOTH his old probation officers, his current case worker, and the lady in charge of the halfway house he was in, I've kept in contact with all of them in an effort to keep tabs on him and his whereabouts, he went back to prison for not going to his classes, for not staying sober, for being an ass, for not paying his fines, fees, and child support, don't go giving me this bullshit that its THEIR fault you're an asshole. Two of them have even used that exact term. He thinks he can talk his way around everything and thinks he's so fuckin intimidating and thinks the world owes him shit. FUCK! Then he goes on about how hard he's had it over the last 5 years. NO FUCKIN WAY! How fuckin hard can it possibly be to sit in prison, where there is a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in your gut! While I'm working my ass off at three different jobs just so I can keep from putting MY son on the streets. You're not a fuckin father, don't call me up wanting to talk to MY son, threatening to take me to court, you've written two letters and made three phone calls in 5 years, every one of those letters and phone calls you've threatened me, you've threatened my life, my livelihood, and you have unnerved me to the very bone. For years I've heard had to hear about how he's going to be a father and is going to take care of things, but the ass couldn't even show up for the court dates. I made sure to wait until he was out of jail, on probation, before I filed anything ...the divorce, the restraining order, and the child custody, sit there and tell me your PO wouldn't let you. I talked to him, everytime. He didn't know where you were, he'd fuckin know if you were in jail. I'm NOT FUCKIN STUPID!!! Thats another thing. There's a restraining order. A NO CONTACT restraining order, that means don't call me, don't see me, don't write me, that goes for calling my mother thinking I still live there. GOD he's dumb!

Then he goes off and tells me that he's set up with some sort of work center that'll pay up to $10,000 in back child support that he owes, will help him pay off his fines, and all this other crap, then he's going to move back here and is going to take me to court to get Mikeal. He wants us to be "friends".

There is no way in any sort of hell that I can stomach being "friends" with him. He is a very abusive asshole, he is a child molester, and he can't fuckin own up to anything being his fault. Its his mother's fault he did drugs before he was even a teenager, its his brother's fault for being shot by a police officer, so that's why he's violent and bullshit. Its because of his thyroid that he drank. Its my fault for being a tall friendly chick that anyone seems comfortable talking to, so therefore he had to be violent and abusive with me. Its his PO's fault he didn't take care of his responsibilities. Its the drug & alcohol's fault he did what he did to me and that little girl. Its the parents' fault for not keeping an eye on her. He has a fuckin excuse for everything!

Nothing has changed. He's still trying to control my life, still trying to show that he thinks he's calling the shots. He gets out in November. November 22nd to be exact. He'll be completely out, no probation, nothing. Supposedly he's going to be hooked up with this place that'll pay his child support. Thats great. October 31st I'll be married one year, Brian will then be eligible to adopt Mikeal, this is our plan, always has been our plan since the night he proposed to me. We are hoping to be able to have the process at least started in early November. I want that man out of our lives. I don't want child support from him, nothing.

And it makes me incredibly SICK that there is a program that allows criminals a "fresh start" on their back child that is paid for no doubt by taxpayers, at least to some degree. Basically I'm paying my own child support by paying taxes. Thanks system. There are fuckin kids out there WAY worse off than my child, children that need this help, children whose mothers don't qualify for assistance, but can't survive, and you want to fuckin use that money that could be helping those kids, or their schools, or something else as important, you'd rather use that money to help my child molesting, abusive ex-husband pay off his child support so that he doesn't go back to prison over past due child support. FUCK YOU! And then you're going to put him through job training classes so that he can get a job. There are people who would actually use it, that need it, but no my tax dollars have to go to help a convict get a leg up. There was no program for me to pay off my fines, no program for me to take care of my child when I needed it, there was none of this shit, no one basically gave me $20,000 to get a new start. NO I did ALL this shit on my own. I've poured blood, sweat, and tears to get my life where it is now and I was the one taking care of a child! I'm still paying shit.

I really can't stand him, I can't stand the way he gets under my skin, and I can't grrrrr....I don't know.

I really wish he'd just disappear, but I know, that even when Brian is Mikeal's full guardian he'll harrass us even more, if not him then his mother, his aunts, all of them. I've already spoken to a Detective here, and he's going to help me out with a lot of this, I've also spoken to the Judge, she said I can't do much until he's either out and violates the order...he gets out Nov 22, the order expires Dec 13th this year....or its closer to time of the order expiring. :sigh: I talk to the detective again in the morning as the ex called after I'd gone in and filed the first report of him calling my mom's house multiple times today. I'm being as proactive as I can be legally, but I'm still scared for mine and Mikeal's well being. I don't know that I'll ever get over that fear.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I had to get it out and talk to someone about it.