Saturday, August 16, 2008

Long Boring, Pointless Rant

I have always bailed my mother out of her financial pickles she's found herself in, ever since I was very young, at least when I've been able to, yes she's helped me out here and there, as she felt "guilty" about not. :roll:

Anyways. I get tired of it. She doesn't exactly ask, but does lay quite the guilt trip like I "should" do more for her.

She pays a little over half the rent that we do, makes $3.00 more an hour than Brian, has no children at home, so its just she and my step-dad. She doesn't work any overtime, but still usually gets at least 40 hours a week, should be enough to pay her piddly bills she has and take care of she and her husband.

My step-dad does work, occasionally, right now his truck is out of commission, so no income from him, and he's not exactly the stick with a job type. :roll: There also are few jobs around here and he's burnt the bridge with the biggest employer here that he qualifies to work for. Anyways.

Because his truck broke down mid-week, my mom gets paid on Fridays, I offered to help him out, we were a little ahead this pay period, and I expected to get *most* of the money back today, at least the $50 I paid in parts...I call my mom, see how she's doing, I've not talked to her in a few days, and also cleared with her about coming over tomorrow to do my laundry, which is a normal weekly thing for me, to go over there and do my laundry. I also ask about the possibility of them coming over this evening to help me keep an eye on the kids so I can get my lawn mowed before it rains again...

She goes off on how she has all these bills and no money to pay them and :blah: how she's too tired and needs to help my step-dad find this part for his truck, :blah:

Ok, I NEVER ask my mom to watch my kids. She NEVER volunteers either. When I do ask I have to hear about her money problems, how tired she is, something, every time. She would beg to get to watch my brother's two boys, she begs to watch my sister's boy, she enjoys my kids, so long as I'm there with them. If I need to run somewhere and will be gone for 15 minutes, I have to load my kids up and take them with me, unless Brian is there too, or my step-dad already volunteers before my mom has a chance to deny watching them for a few minutes.

My mom also goes to the casino every other week or so, granted she doesn't spend "that much" and is "always ahead" that week. She also enables my step-dad to drink or partake in his "smoking". My step-dad is an alcoholic, got a DUI about 2 years ago, was forced to go to AA by order of the courts. He went with my "Grandma Pennye" and her husband for almost a year, and stayed sober for that entire time, and they were actually getting ahead pretty me he can fly through the beer. :roll: My mom had a fight with "Grandma Pennye" and the result of that was my step-dad and my mom drinking, again, almost every weekend. It was during one of these drunk nights that he first screwed up his truck in the first place, and I helped dig him out of the hillside then too.

:banghead: My mom refuses to see this as a problem. She also thinks that *I* owe her something, or at least I've felt that way my ENTIRE life!

My youngest brother was born when I was 5. I vividly remember being left at home, alone, with him and my other two siblings, who are 1 & 2 years younger than me, since the youngest was walking, if not before then, and I've done it their whole lives. I started working picking blueberries when I was 7 or 8 years old, 1/2 mile from our house, making $2 a gallon of blueberries to help out with "family expenses"...this trend continued until I was no longer living with them, but I still was left to feel guilty for not helping out, especially after everything happened with my dad and that whole mess.

Even after having Mikeal and having problems with that marriage I was left to fend for myself and Mikeal basically... he was 3 before she "let me" move in with her, I started trying to leave my ex when Mikeal was 5 months old, and I was living down the road from her then. I think a lot of the reason she finally "helped me out" was because of my step-dad. :sigh:

I've gotten to the point that its really starting to piss me off. I try to do something nice, and I feel like she slaps me in the face each time. I've tried to talk to my mom about this, but it only ends up in a fight and how she's *nothing* like her mother or mother-in-law, and that I'm just ungrateful and I shouldn't talk to her like that, that it was all my dad's fault that my childhood was so "horrible"... :blah:

Its so aggravating to me how she blames everything on someone else and that she tries so hard, but just doesn't get it. She often reminds me of a teenager or young 20 year old that needs some life experience lessons on how to have interpersonal relationships. I hate to say that about my own mother, but geesh, I think she needs to grow up some or at least quit blaming everyone else for her problems.

I just don't know how to go about talking to her that I need at least some of the money that was "borrowed" from me now.

And I get so pissed off that she makes me feel this way everytime I do help her out. Like I freakin owed it to her in the first place. In ALL my years I have never once "borrowed" money from my mom and not paid her back immediately, before taking care of my other stuff, nor have I ever borrowed more than maybe $20 at any time from her. Even the times I did live with her it was never "free", I would always buy the groceries, give her money for bills, and such.

I feel more like a burden to my mom than anything, a burden that owes her something because I *ruined* her life at such a young age. :sigh:

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