Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Grateful for you

Most of you have known me for quite sometime...some since high school, others of you for about the last four years, and a few even I've only known *online* for the last couple of months.

In some way everyone of you have been an influence in my life, and I hold out hope that maybe in some way I've influenced something in your life...even if all it happened to be was not to drink that next shot.

I'm not going to go into the details, but I would like each of you to know that I appreciate all of it...both the negatives and the positives.

One gal in particular...you know who you are...I never would of thought that four years ago we would of ever gotten past your horrible thoughts of me and the kind of *mooch* you thought I was, but it was because of your negatives about me that pushed me to prove you wrong, had it not been for that who knows, I might of very well of lived up to your expectations of me. You've helped mold me into the person I am now. I didn't know you from a brick in the wall, but at that time you proved to be a great value to me, you absolutely hated my guts and had every right to, and its because of that that I was able to get as far as I did as quickly as I did, and now...girl I think absolutely the world of you and love you very much. You have been there for me, pushing me, regardless of what direction you wanted me to go, I've made it, and I could not of ever done it without you! I also don't think that you realize the real impact you've made on my life.

Four years ago I was ready to give up on life and living, I started my *online* social life and started talking to a friend of yours, it pissed you off to no end, and you weren't shy about letting me know it either. You stated a lot of truths about me at that time and it hurt me to no end, to actually have someone slap me in the face with a sharp dose of reality. THANK YOU! You gained so much of my respect from doing such and I can never be able to express to you just how much it meant to me, and still means to me even to this day. You saved my life in those days, honestly.

I am so glad that despite all that we were able to build a friendship that means the world to me. I also believe that some of your push has also helped Brian in his goals to be who he's become over the last *almost* year. You've touched our lives for the better, and because of that we're able to provide a great life for our kiddos, and I am eternally grateful for those first few boulder throwing months you dished out.

**deep breath**

I just wanted you to know that we both love you very much!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Full Panic

So I was on my way home from my mom's earlier (about a 10 mile trip) and this truck comes out of nowhere seriously tailgating me. It was a little after 9pm, so it is pitch black, but this dude was riding on my ass! I couldn't even see his headlights most of the time. I didn't even really pay that much attention while going through town otherwise I would of likely just pulled into the police station parking lot where I saw the town's fav cop just pulling it...anyways, I go through the next stop sign where the jerk is still on my tail, make my left hand turn, then an almost immediate right...dude is still rightonmyass! I'm mildly starting to freak out at this time, both Mikeal and Mikaila were in the van with me and Brian was still another 7 miles down the road, at home. In the past I would of brushed this off to being just a random drunk riding my ass, but with the things going on with my nephews, and the fact that my ex-husband called my mom the other day ((he's supposed to be getting out of prison soon if he hasn't already)) I've been kinda on edge. We are now on the highway 65 mph...dude is still rightonmyass, still can't see his headlights very often is how close he is. He is in a Ford dually quad cab pick-up, by no means a small vehicle, and he won't back off, I tried flashing my brakes, speeding up, slowing down. Its pitch black, bad cell reception, with my two small children in the van with me. I try calling 911, but because of the bad reception I have problems getting the info across then I hit dead cell service area. About another 2 miles down the road there is a passing zone and he does go around me, and then is GONE, I tried keeping up just enough to get a look at his tags but couldn't even get close enough to even know what state they were out of, as I live on the border of 3 states. I was majorly freaked out!

Brian comforted me by assuring me that I was home and was safe and that if it was someone trying to harass me than they'd have to go through him. Mikeal was such a great kid...he was wanting a snack--hotdogs--and I hadn't had dinner, so I threw some for both of us in the microwave. Mikaila started screaming for a bottle to go to bed on, so I started tending to her, she's not the patient sort...anyways, while I was trying to get all that taken care of and Brian was occupied the hotdogs finished in the microwave...This is the best part...Mikeal not only got them out, put his on bread with ketchup, but also did mine too, brought them to me and was just so sweet about the whole thing. I was still shaking from the incident that happened on our way home....hell I'm still slightly shaking and tis been 3 hours! It just un-nerved me so badly, had a deer decided to be in the road or someone's cow been in the middle of the road like they are occasionally...we'd all be toast, that truck could of never of stopped in time...and ugh!! Drivers just really annoy me!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

For the time being...

...my nephews are going to be living in a therapeutic foster home. It was not a decision made lightly, and has taken several months to reach this conclusion. I cannot keep putting my 5 month old in danger, just because I am too stubborn to admit that they need more attention and help than I'm able to offer. They think its normal and fine to treat a baby like a rag doll. One of them had kneed her in the head while they were being watched by someone else while we were at a class. Another time while I was in the bathroom for a quick piss I came back to find her with the blanket wrapped around her head. Other times I can be sitting right here and they will try knocking her bouncy chair over just walking by her. These boys are not right, and I have not had the proper training yet on how to handle such behavior. We will be continuing the classes and hope that after we have finished with the classes and the boys have had some time to be adjusted to having a schedule to their days and constructive discipline, without putting my biological children at risk. We will still be having an active part in both their lives and will be active in the decisions made on their behalf. There is a lot more involved than just simply stating that we think something else needs to be done about their living arrangements. There are a number of case workers, lawyers, a judge, teachers, counselors and numerous family members all involved with every one of these decisions. I was able to speak to the new foster mother today and she works at the counseling center and has a great deal of experience with such cases. I have no doubt we made the right decision, regardless of how utterly disheartening it is to make. Brian and I will be continuing the classes as well as will be getting more education on how to both deal with and address such problems in the future and will be looking forward to the day that we are able to take care of them in the way that benefits them the most!


Since someone seems to think that every blog I make that doesn't include someone's name is about her, I'm going to clarify what it was I was refering to yesterday.

A dear friend of mine has been having some marital problems lately, his wife has been cheating on him, while basically taking away all of his privacy and rights to anything. She's playing the card that since she's cheating on him he must be cheating on her, and so is playing the victim in all of this. I was really annoyed to find out yesterday that she went so far as to delete his myspace behind his back, and later upon him finding out she deleted her own and said there was some sort of virus that killed their myspaces, and therefore she took it upon herself to make a new joint site for the two of them. Most of his family can't stand her and find her to be a bit too intrusive anyways, I just think she's skanky just by what I know of her, but I've never personally met her but twice, on formal occassions -- their wedding and their 5th anniversary. So I honestly can't say much about her. I have known him since I was in junior high, through the church we'd both been going to. He's never been on my myspace because of her, I honestly did not know if he had one or not, we coorespond by occassional emails and by the occassional run in while I'm in town. I was a bit bothered by it and it did upset me to see him so upset over it, and therefore I did blog about it. Brian's SIL had to go and take offense at it adn think it to be about her.

Granted not long ago both her account and her husband's account were both deleted, and a new joint account was established. I just assumed that since she was no longer on my friend's list and was no longer able to see my blogs that I keep private that she wanted to have that privledge again without it seeming that way. My BIL was still on my friend's list and was still able to see my blogs. But for her to take offense at something I blog about AGAIN with it having ZERO to do with her, it makes me wonder if maybe she's not a little more guilty of all these things anyways. Its just ridiculous. I should be free to blog whatever I'd like when it respects someone's privacy without having to worry about having my name drug through the mud over things someone knows nothing about! Its just very childish, but I'm going to assume that someone that has a great number of children with a great number of men doesn't know how to be an adult.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My Piece to you Idiotic Americans!

Now, before anyone gets bent out of shape, this is what I see, my opinions, I love living here, and in no way am I bashing this country. This is a soap box explaining the hypocrisies and idiocracies that I have observed. You're welcome to disagree with me, but I am letting you know now I am only expressing my freedom of speech and my entitlement to be a free willed, free thinking bodied person as God designed me. giggle1.gif

Gas is just ridiculous and the idiots in charge think that we the commoners can adjust at the drop of the dimes we now search our cars for to pay for gas. Yes, I realize that other countries have been paying WAY more for for a great number of years, but those same countries also have free medical and such provided by the government, so we not only have to pay out the ass for gas, but we also pay out the ass in order for most of us to function on a day to day basis and stay alive. Most idiots also don't take to stock the fact that most other countries that are paying such for gas are no bigger than most states here and have intricate public transportation access for most of their commuters. Not to be taken for granted as well that the US was founded by a lot of angry, lazy, prudes that came here in search of something better than they had elsewhere but no real plan once they got here, Americans from day one have always relied on someone else to fill their needs and wants, and when they got what they needed they said "fuck you" and killed them off whether by war, disease, or genocide. The very things that started this country have never really changed, we as Americans have only changed our styles of doing things and if we're doing it its called democratic order, but someone else does it its called terrorism or something equally degrading. It doesn't matter what Americans have called it over the years, its all the same. Originally the prudes came here to escape the slavery they felt to a church, so in turn they enslaved "savages" -- people that didn't believe what they believed, didn't think the way they thought, and didn't speak the language they spoke. Its always been that way. Eventually as the prudes became more populated they sought out to be greedy and wanted this land for themselves, instead of sharing the land, they took it, forced millions of people from the lands they knew and forced them to adopt a whole new culture, a vile one to the majority. A few years go by and thats not enough, they want to also own people. It goes on and on, anyone remotely familiar with history knows all this. What the prudes did then is NO DIFFERENT than what they are doing now. They're greedy, manipulative, and can't stand for someone to have a different opinion than what they believe is right. Thats all it boils down to, the only reason the government is in Iraq is because they have something we want, not to establish democracy or peace. Its not going to matter how many of our children, brothers, sisters, parents die on foreign lands they are still going to have civil unrest and wars. Americans cannot take care of the unrest and violence and poverty in their own homes, why the fuck does one honestly think that Americans will be able to make a difference somewhere that they're not wanted!

Seriously! If your marriage counselor is having marital problems, do you really think they'd be able to help you with your problems? They can't help themselves?! If your shrink is a pill head and insists on them to get by on a day to day basis do you honestly think they can help you to cope? If your lawyer can't work out a peaceable agreement amongst his partners do you honestly think he can help you? You don't ask a mom that has out of control brats how to make yours behave, its just ridiculous!

Ok, I've said my piece!

Now, if you happen to not be one of those idiotic Americans I addressed this to, please feel free to add what ever you'd like

What else is bugging me!

I get realy annoyed at women that think they have to have the last say, only say, first say, about anything and everything involved with their husband, BUT go ape shit over him directing one idiom of their life!

I know someone that took and deleted not only her myspace but also her husband's and claimed to him that she went to log in and they were both just gone *poof* kinda funny that no one else suffered from this problem, and the fact that it takes an act of your own to delete the account. You have to manually approve the deletion from your mail account. How bloody immature I find it to be for a woman who is "nothing but honest" to feign ignorance of how her husband's account was deleted, and then he to believe her! Come on!

Are you seriously that insecure that he can't even have his own site. Hell you do have all his passwords and log-ins anyways, but now you yave to turn his "myspace" into an "ourspace". I see nothing wrong with having a joint account, but Christ! somewhere a line has to be drawn! You have yours, he have his, the two of you have a joint account, its not like he gets that much time to be on there anyways, your fat lazy ass is always sitting there at the computer anyways, regardless of him being on it or not, he can't have a truely private conversation, online, on the phone, hell I'd be suprised if you let him talk to himself without eavesdropping! Knock it off already and GROW UP!

Ok, this one is over for now.