I've been busy, to put it short. Life is also getting much busier and hectic, but such is normal I suppose.
The rundown: (If you have questions leave a comment & ask)
I'm having sinus surgery on the 28th. Recent scans & tests & all that revealed that I have what appears to be a lot of extra cartilage blocking fluids from properly draining, thus causing me to have a sinus infection that absolutely will not go away...for at least the last 20 years of my life that I can remember constantly having sinus issues..
I see an orthopedic specialist on Thursday about my knee. The base guess is that I have torn my ACL in my left knee. Not completely torn, but enough that it is very weak, constantly swollen, and VERY painful. Going down to the basement to do laundry is almost torture...add in the knee pain and it definitely qualifies as torture. I have no clue specifically how I did it. My knees always pop & occasionally I have some pretty bad pain in them from the arthritis, especially when the weather is being wonky, but it's normally just temporary & tolerable. This is not greatly tolerable & it's swollen & it is a weird burning type of pain down the muscles even, so it hits no markers for the arthritis blow-off. I'm not looking forward to this possible/probable surgery and the recovery process that will follow.
School is going well enough. Kinda boring right now & lots of work, but such is school life I presume. I'm hoping my next semester is better.
My BooMonkey Creations work is steady now. I'm not getting rich or anything of that nature from it, but it is enjoyable and puts a few bucks in my pocket for various things that we've gone without or put off getting. I'm hosting a fundraiser this month for a lovely gal. If you're interested please check it out here.
Brian is doing well enough. Work is still annoying and he still deals with his own pains from past surgeries, but such is the new normal.
Mikeal is doing well in school. He's up to over 300 AR points at school...AR points being points they get for reading books & passing tests over the books. I think he said there's a 5th grader with more points at his school, so not too shabby for being a 4th grader & having only read the books since school started. He's read ALL of the Harry Potter books, all the Narnia books, and almost all of another series or two, but they're not ones I'm all that familiar with so I couldn't tell you for sure. I LOVE that he loves to read so much....but I do occasionally find myself threatening to ground him from reading due to his pre-teen attitude & behaviors.
Mikaila is doing awesome. She's made great progress in her speech & the thought is she'll be able to drop speech therapy altogether by the time she starts Kindergarten. She starts Kindergarten in the late Summer of 2013, so another year of therapy. She is also getting ready to start physical therapy. It's quite probable that her early hearing/inner ear issues early in life affected the way she moves, walks, etc so they're going to work with her on improving her balance and coordination to get her caught up on par with her classmates.
I guess that's the gist of it. At least close enough.
Showing posts with label Brian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brian. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Things I Carry
Cold metals have left their marks,
The smooth thin lines,
Barely recognizable as the years have passed;
Prove that I am capable of surviving.
Laid there in fits of drunken anger
The blood, hot against the cold steel,
portrayed my marriage perfectly.
Four of them adorn my body,
each one followed by a promise
of sobriety,
of change,
of transformation.
At the time I believed he would
be the one to perform these actions.
Vile from my heart would fall out,
sounding like gentle roses upon his ears;
promises that I would love him,
be true to him,
and stand by him.
With each instance that I had to reaffirm
these promises to him
my resolve to find a way to escape solidified.
I changed from a young girl
wishing to be blissfully married
to a mother of a young child.
I transformed myself
from a scared mother
to a strong,
independent,
single mother.
Fresher marks now adorn my body.
Creases around my mouth and eyes
prove that I have learned to laugh again,
to smile without end.
Other new metals now wrap my finger;
the combination of metals and stones
affirm to me that I am now safe,
loved,
cherished.
The cool metals now warm my heart and soul.
The scars across my abdomen,
numb to the touch
attest that I have birthed two healthy children.
Their laughter and giggles fill my head
and overflow my heart on a daily basis.
My body carries permanent reminders
of a life I once lived
as well as markers of a life I live now.
I sobered up to the idea of what love,
faithfulness,
and marriage was about.
The scars I carry with me
serve as a reminder to a life once lived;
a warning to others of a life that shouldn’t be theirs;
a prayer that intelligence overrides passion.
....Mostly written as part of my Literature writing assignment in response to "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien, but wish to keep it & share it here.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Epic Reveal!
A few months ago I blogged about planning an Epic surprise for someone.
Now, this has not been an easy undertaking by any means! Yes, the first bits came easily - the idea and the plotting of what I wanted to do. But the actual work part...no.
See, the gal the Epic surprise is for is just, well, awesome. Very genuine, friendly, caring, hardworking, just awesome! She has a natural charisma for making others feel incredibly special and it's really hard to describe that type of awesomeness, much less do something that showcases how awesome many folks know her to be!
I'm referring to the awesome JC (@LittleAnimation) of The Animated Woman.
I then went through several of JC's blog posts and printed off as many of the pictures as I could in an effort to try to capture everyone she had animated at that time. I then cut out each of the pictures and arranged as many as I could onto my sheet of glass.
Of course some of the pictures printed off quite large, so I had to enroll @IamIRONDADDY (my darling husband, Brian) into the role of making a smaller replica of some of the pictures because by then my printer was trying to start a revolution against me and he's awesome at such stuff!
I finally had this:
Then I realized, while I was in the process of outlining everything that I left an important one out...so I had to put him in too..
Then I have spent the last several months absolutely freaking out over whether or not I would end up breaking this piece of glass (I even had to make a few trips across town with it, at one point in time it even put a huge scratch in my car door because the damned thing decided to shut on me - instant panic attack)...I had already done this much at that point!
Plus, if you've read some of my previous posts you'll know I'm an absolute klutz and shattering such things is not beyond my realm of capabilities.
Would you believe that I have painted ALL of that with a TOOTHPICK (ok, several tooth picks, but holy cow!) Slowly I've made progress...
Yea, that's right...after two months of working on this @WhyIsDaddyCryin still didn't have any pants!
I've kept up a steady sporadic pace on this piece...the headache is in the details...But I am finally at a point with it that I am now comfortable enough to share it & mail it out very soon!
...and then to pray it makes it all the way to Canada, from Tennessee without breaking.
Now I was not alone in all my planning and plotting and such. I had lots of help. See, I ABSOLUTELY totally suck at keeping secrets...so I had to tell SOMEONE and so there are a dozen or more persons who know about my surprise - some of which have asked to remain anonymous in their part in getting this done...So leave a comment & share your love, thoughts, part...whatever you wish...
But that's not all! Right now I am holding an awesome giveaway & promotion on all painted glass pieces! You can find all the details and enter here at Living with Logan!
If you wish to have a custom piece made for yourself or maybe someone you love you can use the contact button on the side or visit my Facebook page - BooMonkey Creations to check out what I have in stock or approach me with your personal requests!
JC had no clue, prior to the viewing of this blog post, about what we were up to
...or if she did have a clue she never let on...
so all images were blatantly stolen from her blog in the anticipation that she would have given permissions beforehand if she'd known what we were up to.
*important to note that I am currently waiting on final layers of paint to dry then I have to set the glass in the frame before it gets sent out
**Finally mailed out on November 1, 2011 ~~ Fingernail biting to commence for 6-10 business days after, until safe delivery is confirmed...
Proud to announce that it made it safely!!!! You can see the details of the finale here.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
My Beautiful July 4
Have I ever mentioned that I love my Nikon that Brian got me for Christmas? No? Well, consider it mentioned!
Depression
...sucks.
That's really all I have to say, but I'll likely ramble anyways about whatever escapes from my fingers onto this post by use of the keyboard.
In no particular order:
I miss my dad. He's been dead now for just over four years, but I've not gotten to hang out with him in 10. Sure we talked on the phone a few times & wrote a few letters back and forth, but it wasn't the same. See, my dad spent the last 6 years of his life sitting behind bars. He was given a 30 year sentence for a crime I don't believe he committed. Of course the argument stands that if he didn't commit it then he wouldn't have been given a 30 year sentence, not in this day & age...yea, our judicial system is so upright where innocent folks aren't locked away & the guilty are that - guilty. I mean, just look at the whole Casey Anthony or O.J. Simpson things, right?
I rest my case.
I've tried really hard over the last 10 years to wrap my brain around it to the point that it's so wrapped I think it's just warped instead. I really don't want to believe either side. If I take my dad's side of things and defend him, well, I've lost a great deal of close relationships because I did take his side. If I take his accuser's side then I am compelled to be completely disgusted with my father, but also betray what my heart & mind tells me. The most fucked up part of all that is I may not be quite so conflicted about it had some folks not been so adamant that my dad was completely innocent...until my grandparents both died. It was almost immediately upon their deaths that all these folks, who'd supported my dad, bailed on him, trash talked him, and to this day paint him as the worst kind of scum to walk the planet. Of course his accuser went from just a spoiled little brat trying to get what she wanted to the patron saint of all that's right but wrong in the world, a poor innocent victim. Fuck her.
I miss the children that I birthed that were born with barely a fighting chance at life. Dear Alonna was a victim of doctors not putting all the pieces together & me being so utterly depressed I barely made it through the last half of my senior year of high school. Her father, my first husband, was killed in a car wreck days after we'd gotten married. During our short marriage, because I was a FIRM "virgin until marriage" person, I conceived her. Between severe depression, ulcers, stress, school, work, family life, God only knows what all ailed me at that time, doctors had me on a nice little cocktail of medications to treat each and every ailment. No heed was paid to the notion I could have been pregnant. Hell, I didn't even think anything of it. I still had bleeding from time to time, I didn't pay that close attention to timing and all that because I wasn't having sex...had only had sex twice, and it was in wedlock. Teenage pregnancy doesn't happen except out of wedlock, right? OH, YES, I was a naive one back then. She was born in December...in fact she, Mikaila & my Grandpa all share the same birthday, December 13th. My pregnancy wasn't confirmed until after I'd fallen down a flight of stairs just a few weeks before. The fall down the stairs wasn't detrimental to her, even though I'd like to blame something so innocent on the loss of her life. No. She was born with very underdeveloped organs or holes in the organs that did develop due to all the different medications I had been on during the majority of my pregnancy. I was given the option to have a late-term abortion, but I wouldn't hear of it! What kind of fucking moron suggests such a thing to an 18 year old gal who's not only lost her husband & best friend since preschool, but is now finding out she's PREGNANT and VERY near her due date, just mere weeks after her parents told her to "Get your dog, your computer, don't forget your hamster & the rest of your shit & get lost?!" Simply because she wasn't paying enough of the bills anymore because she was trying to move out into her own place... Then of course I had her, without the first drop of pain medication, because I was scared out of my fucking gourd after learning about all the medications I had been on for the previous 9+ months. I still, to this day, have issues with taking medications & hesitate going down stairs... I PLEADED with the doctors & nursing staff to pull a miracle out of their asses. I don't blame them. They tried. For 14 hours they worked to sustain her. Reflecting on it 11 years later now, pieces of me wish I would have saved them each that grief. It's not the loss of Alonna that haunts me so much as the looks on the doctors' and nurses' faces as they not only tried to console me but also make my miracle come true. Thing that haunts me further is the stigma that "we don't talk about that".
Then there was Bridgett. I got pregnant with her almost immediately after Mikeal was born. Ok, not completely immediately, but I'd gotten my first depo shot after he was born, then my ex husband was thrown in jail for attempting to rape a 5 year old...I was given a lame story about how this little girl had walked in on him while he was peeing in a laundry room and it was just some messed up misunderstanding & all he was guilty of, from the early stories I was told, was indecent exposure. I did what any scared, almost 21 year old girl who's been horribly abused by her husband & no one there to support her, except him, with a 4 month old...I believed him & by my upbringing I stood by him. During the early hoopla of all that I missed my appointment to get my next depo shot, was pregnant when I finally did get a chance to make-up that appointment. I hid that pregnancy for as long as I could during the court proceedings. On our anniversary, in June, I was 23 wks along I shared the news with my ex. He responded by beating the shit out of me & throwing a 27" TV at me...back before they were just 10lb pieces of plastic. Then he left to go smoke some meth with his cousins down the road. ((My naive ass didn't know a thing about any of that until well after the fact.)) I carried my 10 month old son & drug my bleeding ass to a neighbor's house, where the lights were on...it was only about 2am...and they called an ambulance for me. All I really remember was about 24 hours later I was being released from the hospital & that my baby girl had died. I did file a police report. All that got me was a rap for being a troublemaker & liar by the police department. Afterall, the Lieutenant's adopted son would NEVER do such a thing! I made the whole thing up!
I'm proud of the fact that I went to the meeting with his lawyer not long after that...I heard the confession tape for myself & learned the whole truth behind the charges. He'd picked a 5 year old girl up from an apartment complex, took her into a laundry room there, & considered having sex with her before some of the effects of the meth & alcohol he was on wore off just enough for him to let her go. I then spent the next few weeks charming my ex. I'd swear up and down how I'd be there for him & I'd never screw him over, yada yada yada yada yada. He was given a 4 MONTH sentence with only 4 years probation. On September 22nd he was booked on the charges...I left from the courthouse, with his ATM & credit cards in hand, & wiped those suckers clean, including the overdraft privileges. I sold what clothes of his that were left over from my brothers picking through them, I didn't make the first one of his vehicle payments, then I broke every fucking rule that bastard had laid upon me of what I wasn't allowed to do while he was incarcerated. I'd then write him letters telling him about how I started smoking, was going out to the bars, sleeping with whatever I felt like, doing whatever I liked. That $900 wedding ring set he'd bought me & still had a nice balance on - sold them for $175...then had a GRAND time at the bar....at least I think it was grand. I woke up in the bed of the truck, somewhere. ((Mikeal was safe at a babysitter's, who knew/understood/something to that effect my mental state of mind at that time.))
A few months later, on Mother's Day, I called Child Services on myself. I was in a desperate state of mind and was under the impression that they'd at least help me. I was suffering from alcohol addiction, was basically homeless, and well...it was bad. Know what child services did for me? Nada. Told me that because I had the presence of mind to call them that it meant that I was a good mother and could figure it out & didn't see Mikeal as being in any real danger. I BEGGED and PLEADED with them to PLEASE place him in a safe home & to help me get into a treatment program. They didn't. The next day I left Mikeal in the care of my 'less than fit roommate'...while he was passed out drunk (not Mikeal, the roommate) and got a job a few blocks away, working graveyard shift at Waffle House. Thankfully I had some awesome coworkers that let Mikeal & I move into their one bedroom apartment...then instead of going out to the bars I joined a chatroom.
I met a TON of very wonderful folks in that chatroom, and minus a few details, I moved from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Austin, TX, to move into a house with a complete stranger. Folks down there would drive an hour one direction to help me get out and look for a job, others would watch Mikeal for me, one guy gave me a car...I met Brian during all of that...yada yada...I sobered up, mostly, and my mother grew up a bit. I went back and lived with her for a while so I could get my divorce taken care of 100%, then moved back to Texas, eventually reconnected with Brian again, he proposed at my dad's funeral dinner, we went back home, in Texas, pregnant, yada yada...we've been married almost 4 years now with a Mikaila added to our family.
My ex is still a complete asshole.
My current marriage, like any other, has it low points, but overall it's awesome. I love where I live now, I love my friends, & tolerate most of my family, but I'm completely in admiration of my children and husband! But yet I still feel depressed. The logical side of me says I have no reason to be depressed. There's nothing I can do about the death of these loved ones, I know that having another child isn't going to replace any of the ones I've lost. I can't pinpoint a reason behind my depression. I'm mostly 'at peace' with the trauma my past inflicted upon me, but then every once in a while it just completely blindsides me and throws me for a complete loop and I don't even know what to think. The littlest thing can set it off and big things won't even phase me. I constantly feel like I'm swimming in a black hole that is devoid of everything, but yet I can see that I'm surrounded by all these folks that I know love & care about me and I just feel empty, withdrawn, and sad. But mostly angry.
The anger bothers me the most.
I'm absolutely justified to feel the anger. I can't think of many folks who wouldn't blame me for completely lashing out at some folks who have caused this anger. But at the same time I'm better than that. I feel guilty for having this anger. I want to just let go of the anger but I can't. I can for short periods. Most of the time I don't even notice it lingering. I don't want to be angry. I don't like feeling this way. This in turn makes me not like myself. And the cycle starts again. I've done decent, in my mind, with coping with it. I've gotten better. Stronger. But it's still there, haunting me. I know it's effected persons around me, I try to keep it hidden, to keep it a secret...because it's just not one of those things we talk about... I don't even know how to talk about it. I don't know how to fix it. Sure I can repress it and pretend it doesn't exist...for a while. But I'm not comfortable with that and that fuels my anger, just in more directions.
I don't know what to do at this point. I'm not even sure I even know what I WANT to do. I just know that my head isn't always healthy & it may never be fully healthy...but I also don't want to go through the rest of my life with this anger hoovering over me.
This grown-up shit is hard.
~*~Then of course I'm searching for info that I need, again, for my assignment, that was erased by Windows' need to fucking update without warning and restart without allowing me to save any work I'd worked SOO fucking hard on...and I run across this blog post. I needed it. I'm going to start working on setting the tone to my own happiness & fulfillment...by starting on #3, especially.~*~
That's really all I have to say, but I'll likely ramble anyways about whatever escapes from my fingers onto this post by use of the keyboard.
In no particular order:
I miss my dad. He's been dead now for just over four years, but I've not gotten to hang out with him in 10. Sure we talked on the phone a few times & wrote a few letters back and forth, but it wasn't the same. See, my dad spent the last 6 years of his life sitting behind bars. He was given a 30 year sentence for a crime I don't believe he committed. Of course the argument stands that if he didn't commit it then he wouldn't have been given a 30 year sentence, not in this day & age...yea, our judicial system is so upright where innocent folks aren't locked away & the guilty are that - guilty. I mean, just look at the whole Casey Anthony or O.J. Simpson things, right?
I rest my case.
I've tried really hard over the last 10 years to wrap my brain around it to the point that it's so wrapped I think it's just warped instead. I really don't want to believe either side. If I take my dad's side of things and defend him, well, I've lost a great deal of close relationships because I did take his side. If I take his accuser's side then I am compelled to be completely disgusted with my father, but also betray what my heart & mind tells me. The most fucked up part of all that is I may not be quite so conflicted about it had some folks not been so adamant that my dad was completely innocent...until my grandparents both died. It was almost immediately upon their deaths that all these folks, who'd supported my dad, bailed on him, trash talked him, and to this day paint him as the worst kind of scum to walk the planet. Of course his accuser went from just a spoiled little brat trying to get what she wanted to the patron saint of all that's right but wrong in the world, a poor innocent victim. Fuck her.
I miss the children that I birthed that were born with barely a fighting chance at life. Dear Alonna was a victim of doctors not putting all the pieces together & me being so utterly depressed I barely made it through the last half of my senior year of high school. Her father, my first husband, was killed in a car wreck days after we'd gotten married. During our short marriage, because I was a FIRM "virgin until marriage" person, I conceived her. Between severe depression, ulcers, stress, school, work, family life, God only knows what all ailed me at that time, doctors had me on a nice little cocktail of medications to treat each and every ailment. No heed was paid to the notion I could have been pregnant. Hell, I didn't even think anything of it. I still had bleeding from time to time, I didn't pay that close attention to timing and all that because I wasn't having sex...had only had sex twice, and it was in wedlock. Teenage pregnancy doesn't happen except out of wedlock, right? OH, YES, I was a naive one back then. She was born in December...in fact she, Mikaila & my Grandpa all share the same birthday, December 13th. My pregnancy wasn't confirmed until after I'd fallen down a flight of stairs just a few weeks before. The fall down the stairs wasn't detrimental to her, even though I'd like to blame something so innocent on the loss of her life. No. She was born with very underdeveloped organs or holes in the organs that did develop due to all the different medications I had been on during the majority of my pregnancy. I was given the option to have a late-term abortion, but I wouldn't hear of it! What kind of fucking moron suggests such a thing to an 18 year old gal who's not only lost her husband & best friend since preschool, but is now finding out she's PREGNANT and VERY near her due date, just mere weeks after her parents told her to "Get your dog, your computer, don't forget your hamster & the rest of your shit & get lost?!" Simply because she wasn't paying enough of the bills anymore because she was trying to move out into her own place... Then of course I had her, without the first drop of pain medication, because I was scared out of my fucking gourd after learning about all the medications I had been on for the previous 9+ months. I still, to this day, have issues with taking medications & hesitate going down stairs... I PLEADED with the doctors & nursing staff to pull a miracle out of their asses. I don't blame them. They tried. For 14 hours they worked to sustain her. Reflecting on it 11 years later now, pieces of me wish I would have saved them each that grief. It's not the loss of Alonna that haunts me so much as the looks on the doctors' and nurses' faces as they not only tried to console me but also make my miracle come true. Thing that haunts me further is the stigma that "we don't talk about that".
Then there was Bridgett. I got pregnant with her almost immediately after Mikeal was born. Ok, not completely immediately, but I'd gotten my first depo shot after he was born, then my ex husband was thrown in jail for attempting to rape a 5 year old...I was given a lame story about how this little girl had walked in on him while he was peeing in a laundry room and it was just some messed up misunderstanding & all he was guilty of, from the early stories I was told, was indecent exposure. I did what any scared, almost 21 year old girl who's been horribly abused by her husband & no one there to support her, except him, with a 4 month old...I believed him & by my upbringing I stood by him. During the early hoopla of all that I missed my appointment to get my next depo shot, was pregnant when I finally did get a chance to make-up that appointment. I hid that pregnancy for as long as I could during the court proceedings. On our anniversary, in June, I was 23 wks along I shared the news with my ex. He responded by beating the shit out of me & throwing a 27" TV at me...back before they were just 10lb pieces of plastic. Then he left to go smoke some meth with his cousins down the road. ((My naive ass didn't know a thing about any of that until well after the fact.)) I carried my 10 month old son & drug my bleeding ass to a neighbor's house, where the lights were on...it was only about 2am...and they called an ambulance for me. All I really remember was about 24 hours later I was being released from the hospital & that my baby girl had died. I did file a police report. All that got me was a rap for being a troublemaker & liar by the police department. Afterall, the Lieutenant's adopted son would NEVER do such a thing! I made the whole thing up!
I'm proud of the fact that I went to the meeting with his lawyer not long after that...I heard the confession tape for myself & learned the whole truth behind the charges. He'd picked a 5 year old girl up from an apartment complex, took her into a laundry room there, & considered having sex with her before some of the effects of the meth & alcohol he was on wore off just enough for him to let her go. I then spent the next few weeks charming my ex. I'd swear up and down how I'd be there for him & I'd never screw him over, yada yada yada yada yada. He was given a 4 MONTH sentence with only 4 years probation. On September 22nd he was booked on the charges...I left from the courthouse, with his ATM & credit cards in hand, & wiped those suckers clean, including the overdraft privileges. I sold what clothes of his that were left over from my brothers picking through them, I didn't make the first one of his vehicle payments, then I broke every fucking rule that bastard had laid upon me of what I wasn't allowed to do while he was incarcerated. I'd then write him letters telling him about how I started smoking, was going out to the bars, sleeping with whatever I felt like, doing whatever I liked. That $900 wedding ring set he'd bought me & still had a nice balance on - sold them for $175...then had a GRAND time at the bar....at least I think it was grand. I woke up in the bed of the truck, somewhere. ((Mikeal was safe at a babysitter's, who knew/understood/something to that effect my mental state of mind at that time.))
A few months later, on Mother's Day, I called Child Services on myself. I was in a desperate state of mind and was under the impression that they'd at least help me. I was suffering from alcohol addiction, was basically homeless, and well...it was bad. Know what child services did for me? Nada. Told me that because I had the presence of mind to call them that it meant that I was a good mother and could figure it out & didn't see Mikeal as being in any real danger. I BEGGED and PLEADED with them to PLEASE place him in a safe home & to help me get into a treatment program. They didn't. The next day I left Mikeal in the care of my 'less than fit roommate'...while he was passed out drunk (not Mikeal, the roommate) and got a job a few blocks away, working graveyard shift at Waffle House. Thankfully I had some awesome coworkers that let Mikeal & I move into their one bedroom apartment...then instead of going out to the bars I joined a chatroom.
I met a TON of very wonderful folks in that chatroom, and minus a few details, I moved from Tulsa, Oklahoma to Austin, TX, to move into a house with a complete stranger. Folks down there would drive an hour one direction to help me get out and look for a job, others would watch Mikeal for me, one guy gave me a car...I met Brian during all of that...yada yada...I sobered up, mostly, and my mother grew up a bit. I went back and lived with her for a while so I could get my divorce taken care of 100%, then moved back to Texas, eventually reconnected with Brian again, he proposed at my dad's funeral dinner, we went back home, in Texas, pregnant, yada yada...we've been married almost 4 years now with a Mikaila added to our family.
My ex is still a complete asshole.
My current marriage, like any other, has it low points, but overall it's awesome. I love where I live now, I love my friends, & tolerate most of my family, but I'm completely in admiration of my children and husband! But yet I still feel depressed. The logical side of me says I have no reason to be depressed. There's nothing I can do about the death of these loved ones, I know that having another child isn't going to replace any of the ones I've lost. I can't pinpoint a reason behind my depression. I'm mostly 'at peace' with the trauma my past inflicted upon me, but then every once in a while it just completely blindsides me and throws me for a complete loop and I don't even know what to think. The littlest thing can set it off and big things won't even phase me. I constantly feel like I'm swimming in a black hole that is devoid of everything, but yet I can see that I'm surrounded by all these folks that I know love & care about me and I just feel empty, withdrawn, and sad. But mostly angry.
The anger bothers me the most.
I'm absolutely justified to feel the anger. I can't think of many folks who wouldn't blame me for completely lashing out at some folks who have caused this anger. But at the same time I'm better than that. I feel guilty for having this anger. I want to just let go of the anger but I can't. I can for short periods. Most of the time I don't even notice it lingering. I don't want to be angry. I don't like feeling this way. This in turn makes me not like myself. And the cycle starts again. I've done decent, in my mind, with coping with it. I've gotten better. Stronger. But it's still there, haunting me. I know it's effected persons around me, I try to keep it hidden, to keep it a secret...because it's just not one of those things we talk about... I don't even know how to talk about it. I don't know how to fix it. Sure I can repress it and pretend it doesn't exist...for a while. But I'm not comfortable with that and that fuels my anger, just in more directions.
I don't know what to do at this point. I'm not even sure I even know what I WANT to do. I just know that my head isn't always healthy & it may never be fully healthy...but I also don't want to go through the rest of my life with this anger hoovering over me.
This grown-up shit is hard.
~*~Then of course I'm searching for info that I need, again, for my assignment, that was erased by Windows' need to fucking update without warning and restart without allowing me to save any work I'd worked SOO fucking hard on...and I run across this blog post. I needed it. I'm going to start working on setting the tone to my own happiness & fulfillment...by starting on #3, especially.~*~
Thursday, June 23, 2011
First Family Vacation (TONS of pics)
Brian and I have been married now since 2007, we've dated on and off since 2003, so one would think that we've taken at least one vacation during that time. Granted we have gone to visit family, moved significant distances, and the like during this time, but we've never fully taken what would be considered a vacation. Most of our trips have been on the fly - have a spare dollar in our pocket and just go or they've been pared with things like court hearings - such as the first trip Brian ever made with me to Oklahoma where my ex-MIL was trying to convince the courts to let her, a multiple times over felon, system mooching, child abandoning bitch to give her custody of my son, simply because I'd moved out of state. But I digress.
Earlier this month we took an actual planned out vacation. Planning started in January, we were going to Gatlinburg, TN with 4 other families. Three families of which we're quite close with, the other family being a friend of one of the other families. Anyways, it really was great fun...after you get past the drama associated with traveling & staying in a cabin, in the woods, with no internet, while finals are due for your online classes, and there are 22 people staying in said cabin. Oh...and of those 22 people you have 10 adults - one drunk, one recovering from surgery, one antisocial, one flat out lazy/uber-politically conservative/holier than thou Christian, one who crosses lines drawn lines, a few trying to maintain peace by avoidance, and me - the Liberal who spent much of her cabin time drinking casually, so she could maintain the appearance that she was having a great time; and we had 12 children - boys aged 17, 16, 15, 13, 11, 8, & 7 and girls aged 11, 7, 6, 4, & 3. Oh, no, not the least bit of chances of things going haywire there!
To keep costs down myself and the moms of two of the families I'm close with all went grocery shopping - we'd worked for a few months to build a good menu, broke it down, price checked, and got everything under our $500 budget for the week, at least for the initial grocery trip - I think our total on that trip, if you don't count taxes or the beer, was $498 - that was food & snacks for 22 people, for 7 days, 8 planned cooked meals, sandwich meats, cereal breakfasts, cookies, chips, soda, tea, you name it....three buggies to the check out line. Of course there were extra trips to the grocery store during the week for things like milk, more sugar, more cookies, but we didn't do too badly, especially when we went through almost 3 gallons of milk, a DAY!
The dishwasher ran a MINIMUM of 5 times a day - once after each meal, once in the morning before breakfast from the dishes accumulated after the kitchen was cleaned from dinner, and again before dinner. The floors of the kitchen & dining room were swept multiple times a day. And after the 2nd day the washer & dryer never stopped unless everyone was gone or were sleeping. Everyone pitched in, at least to some degree....except for the previously mentioned lazy person...but I won't go there, afterall she only had two kids there that were older and should have been able to clean up after themselves...yea right. But I digress, again. One is a bold faced LIAR when his mom was around, because her kids are PERFECT, so he had to maintain that in front of his mom, even if there are adult witnesses to his lies, the adults became the liars "because her child would never do such a thing" and the other child was just out there, between her tantrum over having to switch rooms with an ADULT! Heaven forbid she should have to give up the only extra room with a queen bed for one with just a full sized bed! Heck, many of us had to share a room with our younger children so that they'd at least sleep at night! The boys of course all had the bunks in the game room or the couches, chairs, recliners, or floor in the living room - wherever it was they decided to sleep - they had that option.
But outside of the drama bullshit, which is what it was, just bullshit we did have some fun. We went to Obergatlinburg, where I made the solid decision to NEVER AGAIN ride on the sky lift with my charming 3year old, who is not only NOT afraid of heights, but doesn't have a healthy respect for being 100 feet in the air! Anytime our meager car would stop for someone to get off/on safety she'd sit there and bounce & wiggle and scream GOOOOOO COME ON, LETS GOOOOOOOO!!! Then it got REALLY dicey for me when she decided she did NOT want me to even touch her! It was a big fight for me to attempt to hold her hand than it was to just keep my hand on the guard and pray she didn't decide to get out of the car, at 100 feet in the air. We survived, my nerves are still on that mountain somewhere, but we did survive. Did I mention that I don't do heights terribly well? I stick by the notion that God gave me giraffe legs for a reason - that reason being that I don't have to use things like a step stool very often. Of course we rode a number of other rides, the water slides & swing being some of the favorites!
We also went to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I think that was my favorite thing to do - just walking the trails, the kids playing in the ice cold creek - I really could have spent the whole week there and had an absolute blast (and saved tons of money).
We did go to the Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum, there were a ton of cool things to see and all that, but really? Not worth the money. The TV show is MUCH more interesting (and free)! But the exit dumped us out into the lobby of an arcade, where Brian was able to get his Guitar Hero fix.
We went to an indoor waterpark - nothing spectacular about it, but the younger kids GREATLY enjoyed it, plus it's an indoor waterpark - very few doors in and out & the water in the deepest pool was only 3 feet deep. Strap some floaties on the non-great swimmers & let them run, splash, play, keep an eye on them, of course, but there was no great need to be consistently holding onto them, denying them a turn on a ride, making them wait for their turn - absolutely PERFECT for younger kids. No worrying about sun screen application. It was great (again, for someone like me who has a 3 year old girl & an 8 year old boy.)
There were several cool places to stop and eat at on the strip in Gatlinburg - we ended up eating at Bubba Gump's Shrimp Co. twice - once with the kids and again later as just a group of adults (and the older teen boys). It was pretty cool! You had little signs you'd flip up saying "Stop, Forrest, Stop" if you needed your server, or "Run, Forest, Run" if you didn't need anything. Our server also had a Forrest Gump trivia - no prize, just a chance for the guys to show off how much they knew/didn't know about Forrest Gump - I've only seen part of the movie, once. I'm the outcast of the group. OH, and the food - OMG hands down THE best shrimp I have EVER ate!
I took TONS of pictures - ones on the strip, others at the cabin, even more just out the window of the car. Sadly of the 1000+ pictures I have of the trip there's only one or two that I'm actually in, and not a single one of just the 4 of us together. I have ones of the sunrises, sunsets, moon, and even rain...I really think we need a vacation do-over. This time, without the drama.
We even found shit creek...and we still didn't have any paddles.
And there was quite a bit of daddy/daughter bonding time going on. ♥ ((She even sleeps like him, *giggle*))
Monday, June 20, 2011
I believe I'm on the Crazy Train
Crazy Train Incident #1
Earlier last week I got a friend request on Facebook from a chick I had never heard about...come to find out she's one of my husband's ex girlfriends. As in they dated for a few weeks, he decided she was utterly psycho, dumped her, all well over 10 years ago. Anyways, he can't say he didn't warn me, because he did. repeatedly.
I responded to her friend request, with a message. I simply asked her if I knew her.
She responded that yes, I did know her, that I knew her from when I lived in Virginia.
I responded back to her and told her that I haven't lived in Virginia since I was maybe just 2 years old, when my daddy was stationed there in the Navy, not been back since. I also added in that I spent much of my childhood living in Arkansas & Oklahoma.
So her next response was "oh, that's right, I knew you in Oklahoma, we lived on the same street".
At this point my jaw is just DROPPING. When I lived in Oklahoma I lived on a "street" if you'd call it that, backwoods barely paved road more like it, where maybe 10 families lived & I knew every one of them....the only folks remotely close to my age lived right down the road & were named Tania & Andrew, they were brother & sister - neither one named Stacie.
So I respond back to her, I ask her what city it was we'd lived in together.
Her immediate response was Tulsa.
Now my eyebrows are REALLY raised, seeing as I only spent maybe 6 months, total, of my life actually living in Tulsa...and that was when I was in my early 20s.
This chick is absolutely blatantly LYING to me and thinking that I'm stupid enough to go along with it and actually want to accept her friend request, on my Facebook? WTH!
So I keep up my end of the charade. I respond back and ask her which street or what year even...make it simple.
Some time goes by and she finally responds back...tells me that she was really young back then so doesn't remember and is sorry to have bothered me.
By this time I've completely had it with the lies and bullshit. I'm nearly 30 years old, I'm not fucking stupid and this chick is at least 5 years older than me and it's just absolutely RIDICULOUS to lie, period.
So I sent her a message that read:
I never lived in Tulsa until I was in my early 20s, you're 5 years older than me, so if you were really young when you lived in Tulsa, on the same street as I then I don't know who you think you're trying to play games with.
Look, I know you're one of my husband's psycho-ex girlfriends, by his words. By your profile you live in Alabama. I also know that you were only in Virginia for 3 weeks, well over 10 years ago. So at this point I'm going to have to agree with my husband on his "you're a psycho" opinion, primarily because at 30+ years old your wall statuses read like a 12 year old's and you, for some childish psycho reason feel the need to lie to me.
So if you have a legitimate reason for trying to friend me or Brian then grow up and state it.
She's not responded back to me and I don't expect her to.
Crazy Train Incident #2
Mother-in-law calls.
This particular event sends me into a spiral of mixed irritation & annoyance...maybe I've blogged about that particular history...if I have I'll find the link & post it here tomorrow, after I search for it...but the short story is that we don't talk to her or brother-in-law & his wife because they're, for lack of a better phrase "Jerry Springer types".
Anyways...apparently mother-in-law had talked to brother-in-law a few days ago and BIL told her that Brian & I had divorced; I'd kicked Brian & the kids out of the house & they were living at father-in-law's house. This was based solely on the fact that Brian took the kids to see his dad for almost a week while I worked to paint the living room. He had the time off, we had the spare change, it's not a far drive, & FIL is wonderful to spend time with. We weren't fighting, it was just merely opportunity was afforded for things to work out that way, no big deal.
Apparently in BIL's & SIL's world if one spouse isn't up the other's ass 24/7 it means they've separated and are getting a divorce. I'm absolutely comfortable & secure enough in my relationship with my husband to let him out of my sight for hours, or even days at a time.
I think this makes at least the 4th time that Brian and I have gotten divorced in our 3 1/2 years of marriage. MAN! Our divorce lawyers are making a KILLING off of us, no wonder we're broke! ROFLMMFAO
Since MIL, BIL, etc are all on Brian's Facebook (I have them all blocked) I'm considering having Brian change his relationship status to 'complicated' just to fuck with their heads...I think it'll be a blast...just fuel their stupidity!
Whatcha think?
Earlier last week I got a friend request on Facebook from a chick I had never heard about...come to find out she's one of my husband's ex girlfriends. As in they dated for a few weeks, he decided she was utterly psycho, dumped her, all well over 10 years ago. Anyways, he can't say he didn't warn me, because he did. repeatedly.
I responded to her friend request, with a message. I simply asked her if I knew her.
She responded that yes, I did know her, that I knew her from when I lived in Virginia.
I responded back to her and told her that I haven't lived in Virginia since I was maybe just 2 years old, when my daddy was stationed there in the Navy, not been back since. I also added in that I spent much of my childhood living in Arkansas & Oklahoma.
So her next response was "oh, that's right, I knew you in Oklahoma, we lived on the same street".
At this point my jaw is just DROPPING. When I lived in Oklahoma I lived on a "street" if you'd call it that, backwoods barely paved road more like it, where maybe 10 families lived & I knew every one of them....the only folks remotely close to my age lived right down the road & were named Tania & Andrew, they were brother & sister - neither one named Stacie.
So I respond back to her, I ask her what city it was we'd lived in together.
Her immediate response was Tulsa.
Now my eyebrows are REALLY raised, seeing as I only spent maybe 6 months, total, of my life actually living in Tulsa...and that was when I was in my early 20s.
This chick is absolutely blatantly LYING to me and thinking that I'm stupid enough to go along with it and actually want to accept her friend request, on my Facebook? WTH!
So I keep up my end of the charade. I respond back and ask her which street or what year even...make it simple.
Some time goes by and she finally responds back...tells me that she was really young back then so doesn't remember and is sorry to have bothered me.
By this time I've completely had it with the lies and bullshit. I'm nearly 30 years old, I'm not fucking stupid and this chick is at least 5 years older than me and it's just absolutely RIDICULOUS to lie, period.
So I sent her a message that read:
I never lived in Tulsa until I was in my early 20s, you're 5 years older than me, so if you were really young when you lived in Tulsa, on the same street as I then I don't know who you think you're trying to play games with.
Look, I know you're one of my husband's psycho-ex girlfriends, by his words. By your profile you live in Alabama. I also know that you were only in Virginia for 3 weeks, well over 10 years ago. So at this point I'm going to have to agree with my husband on his "you're a psycho" opinion, primarily because at 30+ years old your wall statuses read like a 12 year old's and you, for some childish psycho reason feel the need to lie to me.
So if you have a legitimate reason for trying to friend me or Brian then grow up and state it.
She's not responded back to me and I don't expect her to.
Crazy Train Incident #2
Mother-in-law calls.
This particular event sends me into a spiral of mixed irritation & annoyance...maybe I've blogged about that particular history...if I have I'll find the link & post it here tomorrow, after I search for it...but the short story is that we don't talk to her or brother-in-law & his wife because they're, for lack of a better phrase "Jerry Springer types".
Anyways...apparently mother-in-law had talked to brother-in-law a few days ago and BIL told her that Brian & I had divorced; I'd kicked Brian & the kids out of the house & they were living at father-in-law's house. This was based solely on the fact that Brian took the kids to see his dad for almost a week while I worked to paint the living room. He had the time off, we had the spare change, it's not a far drive, & FIL is wonderful to spend time with. We weren't fighting, it was just merely opportunity was afforded for things to work out that way, no big deal.
Apparently in BIL's & SIL's world if one spouse isn't up the other's ass 24/7 it means they've separated and are getting a divorce. I'm absolutely comfortable & secure enough in my relationship with my husband to let him out of my sight for hours, or even days at a time.
I think this makes at least the 4th time that Brian and I have gotten divorced in our 3 1/2 years of marriage. MAN! Our divorce lawyers are making a KILLING off of us, no wonder we're broke! ROFLMMFAO
Since MIL, BIL, etc are all on Brian's Facebook (I have them all blocked) I'm considering having Brian change his relationship status to 'complicated' just to fuck with their heads...I think it'll be a blast...just fuel their stupidity!
Whatcha think?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
It Started as just a Comment...
I started to write a comment on A Daddy Blog's blog post about Disney Princesses & the messages conveyed by the Princesses of the various stories. I highly recommend reading the post before reading too far into this post of mine, simply because my post may not make a great deal of sense otherwise. *maybe* I could be wrong, but he wrote a great post, so either way you should still check it out, as well as the comments posted.
*~*Disclaimer: I've been drinking tonight, a lot. My mind is in rambling mode...or my drunk fingers are, I can't tell.*~*
I agree with your sentiment posted, Michael, as well as the points highlighted by the previous commentors.
Both my ex husband & my current husband can be likened to 'The Beast" and myself to Belle - strong willed, intelligent gal, of Beauty & the Beast...the difference is with my ex-husband I thought I could change him over to being a prince charming when he was nothing more than a beast at the core, even still - abusive, controlling, manipulative, you name it...except he was quite the charmer to everyone else, but me, after I was 'sucked in'. Current husband, where he wasn't abusive he did take quite a bit of time & patience to learn what honest love was & that he was worthy of being loved, despite not being 'perfect' by others' standards.
I agree we can't shelter our children from the negative influences...my parents tried, with everything...and from personal experiences, it doesn't matter how well we're taught by our parents, peers, etc we're still going to make some pretty stupid mistakes along the way...its how we learn from those mistakes & grow from said mistakes that shapes us into adults. Some young folks will never experience things like peer pressure to try things like drugs, or wind up in an abusive relationship, etc the list is miles long...I never expected to wind up in any such situation because I was smart, I knew better, I was intelligent, had a straight upbringing, etc...I didn't have the first ounce of street smarts though & that was a hard road to walk after I moved out as a single woman at 18. Then another hard road as a single mom with a toddler before I was 22.
My opinion is - to teach the good, the bad, & the ugly and how to avoid/react to each...then be there for them when/if they fall. That was where I got snared in-my folks weren't there to help me out of a dark situation because they'd taught me better, I went against what I was taught, I had to find my own way out of my own mess. I got the same story from the church I had been attending, other family members, and a random multitude of persons I'd basically grown up with as role models for me. My life was FULL of ideal positive role models. I think I knew MAYBE five whole people who even smoked cigarettes - my grandpa quit when I was 10, he's 78 now, still as feisty as ever, my stepgrandpa smoked what seemed like a carton of cigarettes a day, until the day he died, at 84 years old, from 'old age', and my PaPa smoked until he died 3 days before his 70th birthday - his death was attributed more to just a broken heart from losing my Granny less than a year before after they'd been married almost 50 years. She died of a combination of stress, diabetes complications, and a weak heart, never smoked a day in her life...my Papa was an over the road truck driver & smoked outside, she was barely exposed to any secondhand smoke.
Anyways, my point is - I didn't grow up around alcoholics, those that did have a drinking problem had quit their addictions years before I was old enough to even know they'd drank, ever. I don't think a single person I grew up around ever did any illegal drugs - I wasn't exposed to potheads, meth addicts, coke or heroin junkies...I seriously grew up thinking such things only occurred in bigger cities, like Los Angeles, New York City, & Miami. Of course, now, as an almost 29 year old adult I know better.
I've been exposed to a number of different substances, even ones that I'd never even heard of in my drug awareness classes. I know the street slang for 90% of it too. It is really scary to me to think of what I knew when I moved out of my parents' home, at 18, compared to what I learned within the first 3 years of being out of their home. By the time I turned 19 I was hooked on drinking & smoking pot - to EXTREMES. I sobered up for a while when I found out I was pregnant & then breast feeding, but within two months of leaving my ex, stopping breastfeeding, etc when Mikeal was 13 months old I was back into that party scene....I was also 21, so no longer had to sneak around or fake IDs in order to get into bars and the like. A few months before I turned 22 I found myself homeless with an 18 month old because no one was willing to help me get out of this bad rut I'd found myself in - between the depression, the lack of self-esteem, the complete worthlessness I felt I turned harder towards the "party" lifestyle.
I became the gal that everyone liked, everyone 'trusted', and I was subsequently exposed to more and more substances - I was the go to gal, if anyone ran out of anything I knew who to contact to get more...of course because I didn't do anything more than smoke a bit of weed once in a while and drink like a fish out of water I was a great pack horse to transport *whatever*. Ironically one of my 'contact' persons to get stuff from was/is the lead prosecuting attorney of the city, she guided me as to how to go about getting by with not getting caught, how to get out of having my vehicle searched if I ever was pulled over, the like.
On Mother's Day, right after my 22nd birthday, Mikeal wasn't but 21 months old, I called Child Protective Services on myself. I wanted help, I needed help, I needed motivation or something to get out of this lifestyle I'd gotten myself into. I love Mikeal more than life itself-it was my love for him that prompted me to make that phone call. I PLEADED with the social workers. I BEGGED them to help me, and if they couldn't help me then to at least take Mikeal away from me so he wouldn't be exposed to it all anymore. I was a disgusting excuse of a mother, where my opinion is concerned, frankly that's the only opinion that matters.
Imagine my shock and horror when I was told that because I asked for the help, etc that they saw no reason to intervene and take Mikeal from me. Apparently because I wasn't denying the fact that I was a fairly shitty excuse of a mother and I wanted to protect Mikeal, that he wasn't in any immediate danger, but the living situation was quite dire, (no food, no running water, living with a meth head, & 3 alcoholic adults) then they didn't see the need to take him or do anything at all about my case. They gave me a list of addresses of places I could go to get help, etc during the week. Later that evening, I called again, this time though I told them that I was on the brink of just ending both our lives so that we'd no longer be a burden on society - that worked.
I had to fucking threaten to kill my own child and myself before anyone even glanced in my direction. Two social workers & a police officer came out. In person I told them my first story, of needing Mikeal to be put in a safe home, where he'd be taken care of properly, and I needed help to get my life straightened out. After what seemed like an eternity of pleading they took Mikeal to a group home...the next day they took him to my ex-mother-in-law because she'd seen this as an opportunity to milk the system even further. I wasn't given any restrictions to Mikeal, I was told to get my life straightened out and at any time that I decided I wanted him back to just go get him and bring him back home to myself. And was left at that. It didn't seem to matter that I was needing to turn my alcohol system back into a blood system, or that I was in a dark mental place, etc. I did land myself a fair job, working graveyard shifts at the Waffle House that was within walking distance & then later I got a job at the Denny's just down the road too. I didn't have a vehicle. I tried meth during this time during a particularly horrible week where I was ready to really end it all - it didn't work, I saw no effect from smoking, snorting, or just eating the stuff...and I did a LOT of it that week. The 'professionals' were shocked that I didn't seem to be effected by it. I was over it nearly as soon as I'd started it.
I moved into a slightly better roommate situation - there was at least running water & the power wasn't constantly being turned off. Oh, and they had internet. I turned my 'need' to go out to get drunk into a chatroom obsession. I sobered up because of that chatroom - it was full of great folks, in Texas...I was in Oklahoma, an 8hr drive from the majority of the folks I'd chatted with, including Brian.
By the end of July I was nearly over my obsession to drink & go out, I was also making a fair income, and had someone nearby who was clean & sober & willing to watch Mikeal for me. That's when more problems started. My ex-mother-in-law decided that she didn't want to give Mikeal over to me...after all during those two months the state put her in a housing unit where she only had to pay $25 a month in rent, $25 a month in utilities, got almost $300 a month in food stamps, was awarded her disability for her fake back injury that she'd been working on getting for a while and had been denied several times, her life was GREAT! There was no way in any sort of fucking hell she'd part with her cash cow! She could lock him in a closet and run around all she wanted now. Heck, she even used him to help her in her shoplifting schemes - schemes where she could walk into ANY store empty handed and walk out with a few hundred dollars in cash & merchandise that she'd later sell on the streets.
I digress. After I learned that the ex-hag wasn't going to give me my son back without a fight that I didn't have a leg to stand on to fight one of my dear friends (I've known them all for now almost 8 years) worked a plan with me. He offered to let me live in his house, site unseen, for a few weeks, until I was able to get on my feet there in Austin....I just simply had to get down there with Mikeal. I worked my tail off to make more money...of course the more I earned the more often it seemed that my roommates expected me to pay towards rent, etc, leaving me no further ahead than when I'd started.
I finally was able to get about $500 in my pocket - my grandmother sent me a couple hundred of that, in the mail. I bought myself a Greyhound bus ticket, I was to be leaving out on the 14th of August. I talked my mom into coming up to take me to get Mikeal & drive me to the bus station - we told my ex-hag that I was going to be spending the weekend with my mother & Mikeal, I'd be back on Sunday or Monday, this was a Friday evening. She sent 2 changes of clothes for Mikeal, that was it, and one diaper, although he'd been out of diapers for months when he went to go stay with her in the first place. He'd regressed that much in less than 2 months.
Anyways...my bus left out at 6pm, 12 hrs later it pulled into the Austin terminal. A different chat buddy picked me up at the bus terminal & took me out to where I'd be staying - a GORGEOUS $300K house (for those of you not familiar with what that means in Austin - it meant 4 bathrooms, full entry way, 3 car garage, 4 bedrooms, a huge master suite, formal dining room, HUGE kitchen, HUGE living room, beautiful fenced in private yard, etc...I felt completely out of place. Here I was with every worldly item I owned at that point in two duffle bags, a carry on suitcase, and a normal sized suitcase...I also had a car seat. That was it....well, I did have a few things that my mom took back to her place-enough to almost fill the trunk of her 2door car, but even that didn't amount to much at all.
Over the course of a week complete strangers would drive all the way out there, some from as far as an hour away, to pick me up and take me around town to look for a job. Within a week I landed a job, the next day I was given a car by a different 'complete stranger'. Within a month I met Brian face to face, falling instantly head over heels so fast it still takes my breath away. A week or two later I moved in with him & his roommate.
Of course that wasn't the end of fairy tale. My ex-hag hunted me down & started sending out subpenas that would beckon me to make regular trips back to Oklahoma, she felt completely entitled to Mikeal. I won each and every hearing, simply based on the fact that 1)I'm his mother & 2) she's a convicted felon. She pulled every dirty trick in the book and I was still gullible and naive, we'd work out a 'custody' plan between the two of us...and then she'd run off with Mikeal for a few months with the help of her family. I put a stop to all dealings with her after that incident. She of course hired a lawyer and a few court hearings again the judge finally told her to get over herself and let me care for my child...that was 7 years ago. I've only heard from her once since, and that was about 18 months ago. She told me about how she loved her grandson and yada yada yada yada bullshit until her own son went back to jail for failure to pay child support for a little while. I've not heard from her since, and I don't believe my mom has either (seeing as she has my mother's number, but not my new one). For all I know she's dead from a drug overdose or was caught shoplifting and is now sitting behind bars for the rest of her life, per the terms of her probation from her previous arrest. Either way, GOOD RIDDANCE!
I've only heard twice from the deadbeat sperm donor since I left him in Sept 2003. The first time was in Oct 2005, just a few weeks after I moved back to Oklahoma so I could file for the divorce, then again in February of 2010, where he told the judge he wanted 50/50 custody of Mikeal & to never have to pay child support or he wanted his rights terminated and to never pay child support again. The judge denied him on both accounts and he's still spotty in making child support payments and hasn't bothered with anything else related to Mikeal, the son he loves so much.
Brian on the otherhand, he's been great. We've had some pretty low points, as a couple, broke it off on SEVERAL occasions, but he's always been a daddy to Mikeal. Even when he and I weren't seeing eye to eye there was no denying his relationship with Mikeal, for that reason alone I never completely broke off contact with him...sure we'd gone over a year without seeing/talking to each other, but we had some things individually to get taken care of both legally and personally.
Well, at this point I'm out of alcohol in my juice bottle and out of juice to put in my alcohol bottle, and it's 2am and I should be doing some of my homework assignments, instead writing this entry...but my point is you can give your children the best upbringing in the world, mine was far from 'the best' or even mediocre for that matter, but it was VERY sheltered - I'd never even watched MTV until I was in my mid-20s, and don't care a lick for it - and my young adulthood turned out to be less than stellar. The MOST important thing a parent can EVER teach their child is that they will be there for them to HELP them when they need it and are willing to work for it....and sometimes you have to let them have the opportunities to make some mistakes so that they'll learn from said mistakes so that they can grow away from making deeper mistakes. I'm seriously lucky to have survived those few years with no more scars than what I have now. By all rights I should be dead or sitting in prison for someone else's death or something equally life damning. I can't say I've been given a 2nd chance to make my life awesome...I think I'm pushing the ranks of being on my 20th chance at life, but I can say that the LAST thing I want to do is lie to my children about the reality of life. I don't sugar coat, or make my kids think they don't have to worry about such things because 'we live in a good area'. Because frankly, it doesn't matter in the slightest how nice of an area you think you live in. The crap is everywhere - ALL of it. Right now you have at least one neighbor who beats their spouse, another neighbor that tortures their children, and another neighbor that spends 90% of their time completely strung out on *something*. And maybe that someone is you.
My family and friends, even the ones that saw me on a near daily basis, never knew or admitted that I was being beaten, burned with cigarettes, raped, cut with knives, verbally attacked, etc...yea, sure, I'd tried going to them in the beginning, I tried getting out early...did me absolutely no good to a bunch of folks who preached about how an honorable wife sticks with her husband or the husband had everyone charmed and just thinking that I just had a flare for the dramatic, since I was only 19/20 and he was almost 10 years older than me. After being shot down about it I just got better at hiding it, to the point that I became the things everyone believed me to be - a drunken whore to put it lightly.
I still work on a daily basis to be the woman that I know myself to be before all the bullshit swallowed me, but it's hard. I've only recently gotten to where I trust myself to have an occasional drink or three even, such as I think I've had tonight...I didn't measure out the shots of vodka, I just took a few sips out of the bottle of juice, filled it up with the shot or to I had in my little bottle from a few months ago, then when I drank that down some I poured in a few more shots worth of vodka from the new little bottle Brian brought home for me....But I still can't stomach the smell of whiskey or tequila.
One can make Disney out to be the villain, or MTV, or classmates, or any number of things...the reality of it is it all rests on the shoulders of the parents, caretakers, and role models in a child's life. The lessons taught and learned don't stop when the child becomes a legal adult and moves out of the home. The teaching and molding influence you have over your child doesn't stop until your child has died, at that moment they're no longer able to learn from you. Until that time comes though, they will still continue to learn from you, even after you've passed on before them.
My PaPa's favorite saying all my life was: A day is only wasted if you learn nothing and you teach nothing. Never let a day go wasted. There is always something to learn, even while teaching. He wasn't a scholar, he dropped out of school when he was 8 years old to join the circus, didn't learn to read past that level until he was nearly 60 years old, when he started having to use a computer to drive a semi. However, he was also one of the wisest men I knew. He only passed away about 8 years ago, when I was 20, I saw him on nearly a daily basis for the last 10 years of his life, with the except of the very last year, when I had moved far off to pursue a life with my ex-husband, and I still learn things from the way he lived his life, treated my Granny, their kids, and nearly 20 grandkids and four great-grandbabies (Mikeal was the youngest one born when he passed, Mikeal was 4 months old).
As far as my opinion goes, and it's the only one that matters, my PaPa was a great man. He makes all the Prince Charmings of the Disney franchise look lame. Dads - be the type of man you'd want your daughters to marry. Moms - lighten up and just enjoy...the dishes and laundry will never be caught up and a little dirt behind the furniture never hurt anyone. Money, looks, things, etc mean jack squat. I grew up dirt poor, but I was happy. I married a man with a lot of money (in comparison, at least), who made a lot of money and I was absolutely miserable and mistreated. Now, our family income counts as below poverty level for a family of 4 and I'm happier. I'm still working on some demons & hang-ups I have from my past, but outside of that I have everything I want in my broke, slightly overweight, balding, covered in body hair, Prince Charming. He's kind, honest, trustworthy, loving, and my best friend. That is all I know that matters. The stuff & looks can be gone without even a moment's notice - integrity lives for generations.
*~*Disclaimer: I've been drinking tonight, a lot. My mind is in rambling mode...or my drunk fingers are, I can't tell.*~*
I agree with your sentiment posted, Michael, as well as the points highlighted by the previous commentors.
Both my ex husband & my current husband can be likened to 'The Beast" and myself to Belle - strong willed, intelligent gal, of Beauty & the Beast...the difference is with my ex-husband I thought I could change him over to being a prince charming when he was nothing more than a beast at the core, even still - abusive, controlling, manipulative, you name it...except he was quite the charmer to everyone else, but me, after I was 'sucked in'. Current husband, where he wasn't abusive he did take quite a bit of time & patience to learn what honest love was & that he was worthy of being loved, despite not being 'perfect' by others' standards.
I agree we can't shelter our children from the negative influences...my parents tried, with everything...and from personal experiences, it doesn't matter how well we're taught by our parents, peers, etc we're still going to make some pretty stupid mistakes along the way...its how we learn from those mistakes & grow from said mistakes that shapes us into adults. Some young folks will never experience things like peer pressure to try things like drugs, or wind up in an abusive relationship, etc the list is miles long...I never expected to wind up in any such situation because I was smart, I knew better, I was intelligent, had a straight upbringing, etc...I didn't have the first ounce of street smarts though & that was a hard road to walk after I moved out as a single woman at 18. Then another hard road as a single mom with a toddler before I was 22.
My opinion is - to teach the good, the bad, & the ugly and how to avoid/react to each...then be there for them when/if they fall. That was where I got snared in-my folks weren't there to help me out of a dark situation because they'd taught me better, I went against what I was taught, I had to find my own way out of my own mess. I got the same story from the church I had been attending, other family members, and a random multitude of persons I'd basically grown up with as role models for me. My life was FULL of ideal positive role models. I think I knew MAYBE five whole people who even smoked cigarettes - my grandpa quit when I was 10, he's 78 now, still as feisty as ever, my stepgrandpa smoked what seemed like a carton of cigarettes a day, until the day he died, at 84 years old, from 'old age', and my PaPa smoked until he died 3 days before his 70th birthday - his death was attributed more to just a broken heart from losing my Granny less than a year before after they'd been married almost 50 years. She died of a combination of stress, diabetes complications, and a weak heart, never smoked a day in her life...my Papa was an over the road truck driver & smoked outside, she was barely exposed to any secondhand smoke.
Anyways, my point is - I didn't grow up around alcoholics, those that did have a drinking problem had quit their addictions years before I was old enough to even know they'd drank, ever. I don't think a single person I grew up around ever did any illegal drugs - I wasn't exposed to potheads, meth addicts, coke or heroin junkies...I seriously grew up thinking such things only occurred in bigger cities, like Los Angeles, New York City, & Miami. Of course, now, as an almost 29 year old adult I know better.
I've been exposed to a number of different substances, even ones that I'd never even heard of in my drug awareness classes. I know the street slang for 90% of it too. It is really scary to me to think of what I knew when I moved out of my parents' home, at 18, compared to what I learned within the first 3 years of being out of their home. By the time I turned 19 I was hooked on drinking & smoking pot - to EXTREMES. I sobered up for a while when I found out I was pregnant & then breast feeding, but within two months of leaving my ex, stopping breastfeeding, etc when Mikeal was 13 months old I was back into that party scene....I was also 21, so no longer had to sneak around or fake IDs in order to get into bars and the like. A few months before I turned 22 I found myself homeless with an 18 month old because no one was willing to help me get out of this bad rut I'd found myself in - between the depression, the lack of self-esteem, the complete worthlessness I felt I turned harder towards the "party" lifestyle.
I became the gal that everyone liked, everyone 'trusted', and I was subsequently exposed to more and more substances - I was the go to gal, if anyone ran out of anything I knew who to contact to get more...of course because I didn't do anything more than smoke a bit of weed once in a while and drink like a fish out of water I was a great pack horse to transport *whatever*. Ironically one of my 'contact' persons to get stuff from was/is the lead prosecuting attorney of the city, she guided me as to how to go about getting by with not getting caught, how to get out of having my vehicle searched if I ever was pulled over, the like.
On Mother's Day, right after my 22nd birthday, Mikeal wasn't but 21 months old, I called Child Protective Services on myself. I wanted help, I needed help, I needed motivation or something to get out of this lifestyle I'd gotten myself into. I love Mikeal more than life itself-it was my love for him that prompted me to make that phone call. I PLEADED with the social workers. I BEGGED them to help me, and if they couldn't help me then to at least take Mikeal away from me so he wouldn't be exposed to it all anymore. I was a disgusting excuse of a mother, where my opinion is concerned, frankly that's the only opinion that matters.
Imagine my shock and horror when I was told that because I asked for the help, etc that they saw no reason to intervene and take Mikeal from me. Apparently because I wasn't denying the fact that I was a fairly shitty excuse of a mother and I wanted to protect Mikeal, that he wasn't in any immediate danger, but the living situation was quite dire, (no food, no running water, living with a meth head, & 3 alcoholic adults) then they didn't see the need to take him or do anything at all about my case. They gave me a list of addresses of places I could go to get help, etc during the week. Later that evening, I called again, this time though I told them that I was on the brink of just ending both our lives so that we'd no longer be a burden on society - that worked.
I had to fucking threaten to kill my own child and myself before anyone even glanced in my direction. Two social workers & a police officer came out. In person I told them my first story, of needing Mikeal to be put in a safe home, where he'd be taken care of properly, and I needed help to get my life straightened out. After what seemed like an eternity of pleading they took Mikeal to a group home...the next day they took him to my ex-mother-in-law because she'd seen this as an opportunity to milk the system even further. I wasn't given any restrictions to Mikeal, I was told to get my life straightened out and at any time that I decided I wanted him back to just go get him and bring him back home to myself. And was left at that. It didn't seem to matter that I was needing to turn my alcohol system back into a blood system, or that I was in a dark mental place, etc. I did land myself a fair job, working graveyard shifts at the Waffle House that was within walking distance & then later I got a job at the Denny's just down the road too. I didn't have a vehicle. I tried meth during this time during a particularly horrible week where I was ready to really end it all - it didn't work, I saw no effect from smoking, snorting, or just eating the stuff...and I did a LOT of it that week. The 'professionals' were shocked that I didn't seem to be effected by it. I was over it nearly as soon as I'd started it.
I moved into a slightly better roommate situation - there was at least running water & the power wasn't constantly being turned off. Oh, and they had internet. I turned my 'need' to go out to get drunk into a chatroom obsession. I sobered up because of that chatroom - it was full of great folks, in Texas...I was in Oklahoma, an 8hr drive from the majority of the folks I'd chatted with, including Brian.
By the end of July I was nearly over my obsession to drink & go out, I was also making a fair income, and had someone nearby who was clean & sober & willing to watch Mikeal for me. That's when more problems started. My ex-mother-in-law decided that she didn't want to give Mikeal over to me...after all during those two months the state put her in a housing unit where she only had to pay $25 a month in rent, $25 a month in utilities, got almost $300 a month in food stamps, was awarded her disability for her fake back injury that she'd been working on getting for a while and had been denied several times, her life was GREAT! There was no way in any sort of fucking hell she'd part with her cash cow! She could lock him in a closet and run around all she wanted now. Heck, she even used him to help her in her shoplifting schemes - schemes where she could walk into ANY store empty handed and walk out with a few hundred dollars in cash & merchandise that she'd later sell on the streets.
I digress. After I learned that the ex-hag wasn't going to give me my son back without a fight that I didn't have a leg to stand on to fight one of my dear friends (I've known them all for now almost 8 years) worked a plan with me. He offered to let me live in his house, site unseen, for a few weeks, until I was able to get on my feet there in Austin....I just simply had to get down there with Mikeal. I worked my tail off to make more money...of course the more I earned the more often it seemed that my roommates expected me to pay towards rent, etc, leaving me no further ahead than when I'd started.
I finally was able to get about $500 in my pocket - my grandmother sent me a couple hundred of that, in the mail. I bought myself a Greyhound bus ticket, I was to be leaving out on the 14th of August. I talked my mom into coming up to take me to get Mikeal & drive me to the bus station - we told my ex-hag that I was going to be spending the weekend with my mother & Mikeal, I'd be back on Sunday or Monday, this was a Friday evening. She sent 2 changes of clothes for Mikeal, that was it, and one diaper, although he'd been out of diapers for months when he went to go stay with her in the first place. He'd regressed that much in less than 2 months.
Anyways...my bus left out at 6pm, 12 hrs later it pulled into the Austin terminal. A different chat buddy picked me up at the bus terminal & took me out to where I'd be staying - a GORGEOUS $300K house (for those of you not familiar with what that means in Austin - it meant 4 bathrooms, full entry way, 3 car garage, 4 bedrooms, a huge master suite, formal dining room, HUGE kitchen, HUGE living room, beautiful fenced in private yard, etc...I felt completely out of place. Here I was with every worldly item I owned at that point in two duffle bags, a carry on suitcase, and a normal sized suitcase...I also had a car seat. That was it....well, I did have a few things that my mom took back to her place-enough to almost fill the trunk of her 2door car, but even that didn't amount to much at all.
Over the course of a week complete strangers would drive all the way out there, some from as far as an hour away, to pick me up and take me around town to look for a job. Within a week I landed a job, the next day I was given a car by a different 'complete stranger'. Within a month I met Brian face to face, falling instantly head over heels so fast it still takes my breath away. A week or two later I moved in with him & his roommate.
Of course that wasn't the end of fairy tale. My ex-hag hunted me down & started sending out subpenas that would beckon me to make regular trips back to Oklahoma, she felt completely entitled to Mikeal. I won each and every hearing, simply based on the fact that 1)I'm his mother & 2) she's a convicted felon. She pulled every dirty trick in the book and I was still gullible and naive, we'd work out a 'custody' plan between the two of us...and then she'd run off with Mikeal for a few months with the help of her family. I put a stop to all dealings with her after that incident. She of course hired a lawyer and a few court hearings again the judge finally told her to get over herself and let me care for my child...that was 7 years ago. I've only heard from her once since, and that was about 18 months ago. She told me about how she loved her grandson and yada yada yada yada bullshit until her own son went back to jail for failure to pay child support for a little while. I've not heard from her since, and I don't believe my mom has either (seeing as she has my mother's number, but not my new one). For all I know she's dead from a drug overdose or was caught shoplifting and is now sitting behind bars for the rest of her life, per the terms of her probation from her previous arrest. Either way, GOOD RIDDANCE!
I've only heard twice from the deadbeat sperm donor since I left him in Sept 2003. The first time was in Oct 2005, just a few weeks after I moved back to Oklahoma so I could file for the divorce, then again in February of 2010, where he told the judge he wanted 50/50 custody of Mikeal & to never have to pay child support or he wanted his rights terminated and to never pay child support again. The judge denied him on both accounts and he's still spotty in making child support payments and hasn't bothered with anything else related to Mikeal, the son he loves so much.
Brian on the otherhand, he's been great. We've had some pretty low points, as a couple, broke it off on SEVERAL occasions, but he's always been a daddy to Mikeal. Even when he and I weren't seeing eye to eye there was no denying his relationship with Mikeal, for that reason alone I never completely broke off contact with him...sure we'd gone over a year without seeing/talking to each other, but we had some things individually to get taken care of both legally and personally.
Well, at this point I'm out of alcohol in my juice bottle and out of juice to put in my alcohol bottle, and it's 2am and I should be doing some of my homework assignments, instead writing this entry...but my point is you can give your children the best upbringing in the world, mine was far from 'the best' or even mediocre for that matter, but it was VERY sheltered - I'd never even watched MTV until I was in my mid-20s, and don't care a lick for it - and my young adulthood turned out to be less than stellar. The MOST important thing a parent can EVER teach their child is that they will be there for them to HELP them when they need it and are willing to work for it....and sometimes you have to let them have the opportunities to make some mistakes so that they'll learn from said mistakes so that they can grow away from making deeper mistakes. I'm seriously lucky to have survived those few years with no more scars than what I have now. By all rights I should be dead or sitting in prison for someone else's death or something equally life damning. I can't say I've been given a 2nd chance to make my life awesome...I think I'm pushing the ranks of being on my 20th chance at life, but I can say that the LAST thing I want to do is lie to my children about the reality of life. I don't sugar coat, or make my kids think they don't have to worry about such things because 'we live in a good area'. Because frankly, it doesn't matter in the slightest how nice of an area you think you live in. The crap is everywhere - ALL of it. Right now you have at least one neighbor who beats their spouse, another neighbor that tortures their children, and another neighbor that spends 90% of their time completely strung out on *something*. And maybe that someone is you.
My family and friends, even the ones that saw me on a near daily basis, never knew or admitted that I was being beaten, burned with cigarettes, raped, cut with knives, verbally attacked, etc...yea, sure, I'd tried going to them in the beginning, I tried getting out early...did me absolutely no good to a bunch of folks who preached about how an honorable wife sticks with her husband or the husband had everyone charmed and just thinking that I just had a flare for the dramatic, since I was only 19/20 and he was almost 10 years older than me. After being shot down about it I just got better at hiding it, to the point that I became the things everyone believed me to be - a drunken whore to put it lightly.
I still work on a daily basis to be the woman that I know myself to be before all the bullshit swallowed me, but it's hard. I've only recently gotten to where I trust myself to have an occasional drink or three even, such as I think I've had tonight...I didn't measure out the shots of vodka, I just took a few sips out of the bottle of juice, filled it up with the shot or to I had in my little bottle from a few months ago, then when I drank that down some I poured in a few more shots worth of vodka from the new little bottle Brian brought home for me....But I still can't stomach the smell of whiskey or tequila.
One can make Disney out to be the villain, or MTV, or classmates, or any number of things...the reality of it is it all rests on the shoulders of the parents, caretakers, and role models in a child's life. The lessons taught and learned don't stop when the child becomes a legal adult and moves out of the home. The teaching and molding influence you have over your child doesn't stop until your child has died, at that moment they're no longer able to learn from you. Until that time comes though, they will still continue to learn from you, even after you've passed on before them.
My PaPa's favorite saying all my life was: A day is only wasted if you learn nothing and you teach nothing. Never let a day go wasted. There is always something to learn, even while teaching. He wasn't a scholar, he dropped out of school when he was 8 years old to join the circus, didn't learn to read past that level until he was nearly 60 years old, when he started having to use a computer to drive a semi. However, he was also one of the wisest men I knew. He only passed away about 8 years ago, when I was 20, I saw him on nearly a daily basis for the last 10 years of his life, with the except of the very last year, when I had moved far off to pursue a life with my ex-husband, and I still learn things from the way he lived his life, treated my Granny, their kids, and nearly 20 grandkids and four great-grandbabies (Mikeal was the youngest one born when he passed, Mikeal was 4 months old).
As far as my opinion goes, and it's the only one that matters, my PaPa was a great man. He makes all the Prince Charmings of the Disney franchise look lame. Dads - be the type of man you'd want your daughters to marry. Moms - lighten up and just enjoy...the dishes and laundry will never be caught up and a little dirt behind the furniture never hurt anyone. Money, looks, things, etc mean jack squat. I grew up dirt poor, but I was happy. I married a man with a lot of money (in comparison, at least), who made a lot of money and I was absolutely miserable and mistreated. Now, our family income counts as below poverty level for a family of 4 and I'm happier. I'm still working on some demons & hang-ups I have from my past, but outside of that I have everything I want in my broke, slightly overweight, balding, covered in body hair, Prince Charming. He's kind, honest, trustworthy, loving, and my best friend. That is all I know that matters. The stuff & looks can be gone without even a moment's notice - integrity lives for generations.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Hiking Adventure of 2011
...at least so far into 2011...
We started off the day like any other Saturday - being lazy & sleeping in, all of us but Mikeal anyways, he was up early to get in some video game time since he was no longer grounded...
Then as afternoon rolled around I crawled out of bed and went straight to work on my Math Final - yay nearly done with this semester!! Just have an English final left and two other small assignments.
Brian crawled out of bed and enlisted Mikeal to assist him with getting some things picked up and the dishes done.
Then we decided we'd go out to the local state park to grill dinner and take a small hike - AWESOMENESS!
We grilled some burgers and hotdogs, ate until we were satisfied, cleaned up our mess and decided to hike a trail we've not been down yet.
You know, one of those trails your husband (Brian in this case) says is only a .5 mile trail (because the sign says .5 miles TO the trail)...so you think, ok, no problem, whatever, chances are great he'll get frustrated or tired of it before you do, so you're game. You, having prior hiking knowledge, are sure that the sign doesn't quite read the way he reads it to read, but you're enjoying the day with him and the kids, so why make a fuss?
You start off on the trail, it's roughly 4:30pm, and you head out...
You see some pretty cool things, like this stump, it's nice and peaceful, outside of the chatter of the kids...
A bit later you realize you have just walked a whole mile, in a circle, first UP the hill, then aroudn the hilltop, back DOWN the hill and are now back at the car...
OK...it is determined that apparently the first trail was not the right trail, so you head back to the trail head, to take the second option...
There's still plenty of daylight out, and this trail you're looking to go down is just a .5 mile trail...right?
The scenery is again beautiful, despite Spring just being around the corner...
...and there are squirrels EVERYWHERE!!!
And then we came to the end of that trail...a little over a mile later. It dead ended into the creek (well, there was a crossing bridge, but it was washed up on the shore on the other side from the floods last year) so we headed back to the fork of the trails...a mile worth of backtracking...
So backtracked to the fork in the trails and took option 3. I made them pose for a picture next to a tree, aren't they adorable!
Mikaila stopped being quite so keen on walking, so Brian ended up carrying her for a bit...
As the sun dips over the horizon, SURELY this is the right trail...only .5 miles to go to our destination, right?
And we come to another impasse, again our trail bridge was washed out, so we went through the campgrounds and stopped for a potty break since those were the ONLY bathrooms open at the park and I HAD TO GO! On our way back through the camp ground, to hike back through the woods in defeat we came across this lovely version of a bridge through the creek.
Can you see at the end of the rock bridge that small skinny log we have to walk across? Yea, me and my giraffe legs don't do such things stably...I made it though and we continued on to the trail...and YAY! We're now on the actual trail that we wanted to be on 1.5 hrs & 5 miles ago!!! So, theory is we only have .5 miles to go until we're at the site we want to see in the woods (the Ore Pit). And now that we know where we're at & where we're going, no big deal to get back to the car before dark, right?
Roughly another 2 miles later we happen upon what we assume to be what we're taking this trail to see...a giant hole in the ground, filled with muddy water...oh joy!
Now at this point our choice is to either continue on the only marked trail that we can clearly make out at this time or head back the way we came...we continue to press on, surely it's not far to the part of the trail that we know loops back around the hillside to the campgrounds, where we entered this trail, which happens to be .5 miles from where we parked the car, via the road...and there's still enough light to make that trip, right?
Another 2 miles down the trail and it's obvious that the trail we're on is not taking us back to where we had originally believed we'd be heading...and someone is getting just a wee bit worn out.
We continue to press on...and then we see it! Evidence of civilization!!! It is now mostly dark, roughly 7:30pm, the last rays of the sun have dipped over the horizon and the Super Moon is rising...We are at the back side of the park, the car is at the park entrance...we have about 2 miles of walking uphill to get to the campground and then another .5 miles of walking downhill from there to get to the car.
We finally made it back to the car and I snapped some awesome pictures of the Super Moon on our way home. It was a wonderful afternoon and evening out with the kids and Brian! Hoping we can make this a regular occurrence, even if we do get lost again. ☺♥
You'd think after a roughly 13 mile hike through the hills and woods that at least one of the kids would be asleep now, at 10:30pm....
Oh, did I happen to mention the fact that I was wearing my new Sketchers Shape-Up shoes...that is NOT recommended, ever, for hiking.
We started off the day like any other Saturday - being lazy & sleeping in, all of us but Mikeal anyways, he was up early to get in some video game time since he was no longer grounded...
Then as afternoon rolled around I crawled out of bed and went straight to work on my Math Final - yay nearly done with this semester!! Just have an English final left and two other small assignments.
Brian crawled out of bed and enlisted Mikeal to assist him with getting some things picked up and the dishes done.
Then we decided we'd go out to the local state park to grill dinner and take a small hike - AWESOMENESS!
We grilled some burgers and hotdogs, ate until we were satisfied, cleaned up our mess and decided to hike a trail we've not been down yet.
You know, one of those trails your husband (Brian in this case) says is only a .5 mile trail (because the sign says .5 miles TO the trail)...so you think, ok, no problem, whatever, chances are great he'll get frustrated or tired of it before you do, so you're game. You, having prior hiking knowledge, are sure that the sign doesn't quite read the way he reads it to read, but you're enjoying the day with him and the kids, so why make a fuss?
You start off on the trail, it's roughly 4:30pm, and you head out...
You see some pretty cool things, like this stump, it's nice and peaceful, outside of the chatter of the kids...
A bit later you realize you have just walked a whole mile, in a circle, first UP the hill, then aroudn the hilltop, back DOWN the hill and are now back at the car...
OK...it is determined that apparently the first trail was not the right trail, so you head back to the trail head, to take the second option...
There's still plenty of daylight out, and this trail you're looking to go down is just a .5 mile trail...right?
The scenery is again beautiful, despite Spring just being around the corner...
...and there are squirrels EVERYWHERE!!!
And then we came to the end of that trail...a little over a mile later. It dead ended into the creek (well, there was a crossing bridge, but it was washed up on the shore on the other side from the floods last year) so we headed back to the fork of the trails...a mile worth of backtracking...
So backtracked to the fork in the trails and took option 3. I made them pose for a picture next to a tree, aren't they adorable!
Mikaila stopped being quite so keen on walking, so Brian ended up carrying her for a bit...
As the sun dips over the horizon, SURELY this is the right trail...only .5 miles to go to our destination, right?
And we come to another impasse, again our trail bridge was washed out, so we went through the campgrounds and stopped for a potty break since those were the ONLY bathrooms open at the park and I HAD TO GO! On our way back through the camp ground, to hike back through the woods in defeat we came across this lovely version of a bridge through the creek.
Can you see at the end of the rock bridge that small skinny log we have to walk across? Yea, me and my giraffe legs don't do such things stably...I made it though and we continued on to the trail...and YAY! We're now on the actual trail that we wanted to be on 1.5 hrs & 5 miles ago!!! So, theory is we only have .5 miles to go until we're at the site we want to see in the woods (the Ore Pit). And now that we know where we're at & where we're going, no big deal to get back to the car before dark, right?
Roughly another 2 miles later we happen upon what we assume to be what we're taking this trail to see...a giant hole in the ground, filled with muddy water...oh joy!
Now at this point our choice is to either continue on the only marked trail that we can clearly make out at this time or head back the way we came...we continue to press on, surely it's not far to the part of the trail that we know loops back around the hillside to the campgrounds, where we entered this trail, which happens to be .5 miles from where we parked the car, via the road...and there's still enough light to make that trip, right?
Another 2 miles down the trail and it's obvious that the trail we're on is not taking us back to where we had originally believed we'd be heading...and someone is getting just a wee bit worn out.
We continue to press on...and then we see it! Evidence of civilization!!! It is now mostly dark, roughly 7:30pm, the last rays of the sun have dipped over the horizon and the Super Moon is rising...We are at the back side of the park, the car is at the park entrance...we have about 2 miles of walking uphill to get to the campground and then another .5 miles of walking downhill from there to get to the car.
We finally made it back to the car and I snapped some awesome pictures of the Super Moon on our way home. It was a wonderful afternoon and evening out with the kids and Brian! Hoping we can make this a regular occurrence, even if we do get lost again. ☺♥
You'd think after a roughly 13 mile hike through the hills and woods that at least one of the kids would be asleep now, at 10:30pm....Oh, did I happen to mention the fact that I was wearing my new Sketchers Shape-Up shoes...that is NOT recommended, ever, for hiking.
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