Mommy Guilt

That's what I'm told I'm supposed to feel.  Guilt for giving my charming daughter what she needs!

When I first held her during her first nap she snored.  I asked the doctor about it, was told it's likely just left over fluid and it'll clear up in a day or so.  I took his word for it because he's the professional and the way he worded it made sense.

Life went on.  After a week or so I noticed she had a chronic snotty nose.  Probably just reflux I was told.  Okay, I can handle that, after all my older child had HORRIBLE reflux for the first three years of his life.  I've walked that walk, so no big deal.  Hers wasn't as bad as Mikeal's was, but it was nearly identical, except she still snored.  That bit I was told was just a side effect of the reflux fluid that caused her snotty nose.  She was sleeping through the night, all was well, so okay, makes sense.  After all he's the professional, he'd been doing this for decades.  I'd seen him since I was 12, myself, here I was 25 years old.

Time went on, she made all her mile stones, on time, life was great, she started talking, and boy did she have a lot to say at just 8 months old.  She had a minimum of 25 words she used on a regular, correct basis.  It really helped that she has a brother 5 years older than she who talks non-stop. 

She ended up getting her first ear infection when she was 10 months old.  I wasn't distraught over it, yes she was sick, but my older child had his first one at roughly the same age.

So far, up to that point they were nearly identical...except Mikaila couldn't stand nursing at my breast, she'd fuss, fight, or when she did latch on she had a vicelike latch.  HOLY FUCK was it painful!

Mikeal, my first child to breastfeed latched on perfectly from the git go and it was absolute smooth sailing...outside of that first day when my foggyhead forgot the bit about having to change a diaper too, and let him nurse roughly 8 hours because it was the only thing that kept him from screaming...and he sucked blisters onto my nipples that burst a few days later.  THAT SUCKED...however, we were able to move past that, exclusively breastfeeding for 10 months before I had to go back to work, then we supplemented with real foods until he decided he wanted food & a sippy cup instead of mama milk.  He was great with it, I was okay with it.  All is well that ends well.  Not one time did he have formula, money well saved.

Mikaila, on the other hand, for two months I worked hard to bite my lip through the nursing sessions, often crying out of pain, but I was producing well, was even able to pump an additional 4-6 ounces after each feeding that I wanted to pump so that I could let Mikeal & Brian feed her from a bottle and she LOVED the bottle feedings...so long as the bottle was positioned just so.  I spoke with lactation specialists, I spoke with my doctor, I spoke with his nurse practioner, had a year of my own personal experience with it, including personal experience with blisters, thrush, mastitis, an unsupportive, abusive husband, I tried nipple shields, etc.  Anything they threw at my I tried and I became exhausted & depressed.  By the 3rd month of her life we switched to formula & bottles and life was happy again.  I didn't fail, I provided what worked best for my family, what made my daughter happy and healthy.  I succeeded!

But, as I mentioned, before backtracking, Mikaila had her first ear infection at 10 months old.  Mikeal only ever had 2 his whole life, but I had experience with them with my nephews who had chronic ear infections, so recognized all the signs early, took her in, she was given the standard ear drops & antibiotic, all was well....except...

By the time she was a year old I noticed she'd nearly quit talking.  She was doing more tantrum throwing, she quit sleeping through the night, and life became Hell.  My depression set in, the fingers were pointed at me for not putting her on a consistent enough schedule, not doing this right, not doing that right, you name it, I was failing.  The professionals told me so, and I believed them...not really, but I was supposed to, so I tried all the crap they told me to try with her.

Mikaila & her Uncle Bradley (my youngest stepbrother)

A few months later the bad behaviors were only worse, not better.  I took her again and again to the doctor.  Was given antibiotic bottle after bottle or a pep talk on the importance of schedules and sleep in infants/toddlers...as if I didn't know this or something, fuck I only had a 6 year old child who thrives WAY above the charts in everything, I tend to think I know what I'm doing.  But I was failing with my daughter.  She wasn't talking, she only screamed, she didn't sleep, would only nap 4-5 times a day for 10minutes -2 hours at a time and I was EXHAUSTED.

I lived near my mother, sister, other folks ones would think I could count on to be supportive of me, but instead they only added to the guilt I was already feeling.  Depression dug her claws in deeper.

I googled everything I could think of, talked to other mothers, was eventually left with the impression that I needed to take Mikaila in for more testing.  Specifically testing for Autism or other similar diagnosis.  I needed help and I wasn't getting it.

She underwent all the tests they threw at us.  Vision screenings were good.  Hearing screenings were good.  Just her behaviors were a bit off, but she wasn't consistent with her behaviors.  One week she'd appear to be fully on the spectrum, the next week she seemed normal, just didn't talk.  At 18 months old we started the occupational therapy with a therapist that came to the house once every other week, or so.

After a few months *I* noticed that if I spoke LOUDLY to her or included gestures to specify what she may need or want she didn't scream as much.  I mentioned it to the therapist & the doctor...and was told then to just continue and was given a book in baby sign language.  WHAT THE FUCK!  My daughter's hearing screenings came back good, she didn't quite meet the proper guidelines to be labeled as autistic or as having any actual disability because nothing was ever solidly regular.  Sometimes she was, sometimes she wasn't.  I was told it was just a short coming of my own, because I wasn't consistent enough with her.  Pile on the guilt.  After all, these are the professionals, and I know nothing about any of this.

By Mikaila's 2nd birthday my body was shutting down.  I'd gone almost a whole year with no more than 1-5 hours of sleep a day.

In November, before her 2nd birthday (birthday Dec 13), I laid down to go to sleep with my stomach severely cramping, within 10 minutes I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom.  I'm quite confident that there was absolutely nothing left in my digestive tract ..except blood.  LOTS and lots of blood.  I had to go to my mom's early the next morning to spend the day doing laundry at her place for the week, packed up the laundry, feeling a bit faint, but managing.  I was mom afterall, I can keep going.  I fainted a few times after I got to my mom's and was still shitting blood.  A combination of black & bright red, but it was blood nonetheless.  Enough to make me faint from the blood loss over the 6 hour ordeal.  My mom called a friend of hers to watch the kids and she took me to the ER.  It was quite the busy day in the tiny ER - three car wrecks resulting in 4 people being helivaced out to bigger hospitals, other massive traumas, a motorcycle vs telephone pole accident...I was given an IV and waited. And waited.  The single ER doc there that day, bless his heart, was just plum exhausted.  I rehydrated and was released with the diagnosis of hemorrhoid rupture.  Ok, whatever, he's the professional, I'd been there for many hours already and was feeling at least a bit better...plus my mom was watching my kids and I had laundry left to get done and you know, mom stuff to take care of.

A few more months of OT and no real progress.  We did discover melatonin around Christmas and for about 2 months my life was GRAND!  I was able to sleep!  Still not more than 4-5hrs at a time, but a MASSIVE improvement over the 10-30 minutes of sleep at a time.  Then the melatonin effects started becoming hit and miss and back to the guilt being laid on for drugging my child because I was just too lazy to do everything else that we'd already tried to get her to sleep.

We moved from Oklahoma to Tennessee when Mikaila was 27 months old.  I immediately sought out the Early Intervention program to restart her therapies here and learned SOOOO much!  To start with hearing screenings and hearing TESTS were two totally different things...the screening showed that her hearing was perfect, but her behaviors showed differently.  A referral from the new doc and she was on her way to having a test ran on her hearing by an ENT.  The ENT noticed that she had quite the build up of fluid on her ear drums.  I told him she'd been on antibiotics almost all of the last year for 'ear infections' that weren't quite ear infections, just the beginning stages of one...ear infections without the redness & fever, just the fluid.  Clue #1.


He prescribed a round of antibiotics stronger than amoxicillan, went back two weeks later, fluid still there.  He had also noticed that her adenoids were inflamed & her tonsils were LARGE.  July 1st, when she was 2 1/2 years old she had surgery to remove her adenoids and have tubes put in her ears.  She was a bugger to wake up from the surgery and never fully woke up, but did eat the popcicles they gave her and fought us when we'd try to wake her up, after a few hours they sent us home anyways.  She slept for almost 24 full hours, straight.  I worried and fretted over it the whole time.

When she awoke it was like she was a totally different child.  Normal talking bothered her GREATLY, fireworks bothered her, whereas the year before she could sit right under them and fully enjoyed them, she had to cover her ears after her surgery.  Within a week she was sleeping through the night and her daytime behaviors were so much less frustrating for both of us.  Mommy guilt started lifting.  But then it was quickly added back in by persons who blamed me for not getting this taken care of earlier.  You know, because the professionals were incompetent I should have known that.  I did suspect it, but when you live in the middle of nowhere where there are only two doctors, only one of which accepts your insurance you're kinda limited on what you can do on an extremely limited budget.

By the time Mikaila aged out of the Early Intervention program her assessment was that she just needed speech therapy.  She was transferred into the preschool program at the elementary school and life has steadily gotten better.

She goes to bed every night at 8pm and 90% of the time is asleep within 10 minutes, she gets up between 6am and 8am, and life is as it should be with a 3 year old who only has a speech impairment.

A few weeks ago, on the 25th of August she went in for a sleep study because she still snores, still has muffled speech, etc and due to the HUGE success with the adenoid removal & tube placement I wanted to look into the option of the benefits of removing her abnormally huge tonsils.  You would think this would be a good thing, right?  I have competent doctors who have tried things and we've had GREAT success.  No, instead I get more outsider guilt piled on because I'm now 'mutilating' my daughter because I'm a lazy/unfit parent and don't seem to want to take responsibility or something for my daughter's behaviors & muffled speech.  By these 'professionals' (meaning persons with longer life experience/multiple more children experience) my daughter is behind because of me...and for some reason my son excels, even though my daughter's life has been EASY in comparison to his at this age.  I won't lie, until he was about 5 years old life was a constant inconsistent rollercoaster.  If all the experts and professionals had a cookie cutter clue my son, who is 'perfect' child material - if you take off the tween attitude - should be an absolute hellion who's flunking kindergarten, still.  He just turned 9 and in the 4th grade gifted program, give me a fucking break!


This past Wednesday we went back to the ENT for the results of the sleep study.  Her sleep score is comparable to that of a 500lb, 50 year old man, who smokes 3 packs a day.  She's 3 1/2 and weighs 37lbs and doesn't smoke.  On several occasions her oxygen level dropped below 80%.  Not good, at all.  Her tonsillectomy is scheduled for October 10.  And I am HAPPY about this.  I am looking forward to my wee daughter having surgery, again.

She was cursed with my larger than normal tonsils & adenoid tissue.  I can't do anything about that, that tidbit was the way the genes fell, but I can do something about improving her quality of life.  Lay more guilt on me.  Such a horrible mother I am for being relatively excited over her having surgery to remove her tonsils with the hopeful expectation this will further clear her airway so she can breathe, eat, talk, sleep, etc like a normal healthy child does.

Special tribute to Caryn (@ihave7monsters) and her post about her own 'Professional' run Mommy Guilt here.  We, the mother/father/fulltime caretaker of children, ARE the professionals when it comes to our children.  Just because someone has a bunch of debt and fancy letters after their name doesn't mean they are right when it comes to our children.

Edit to add:  My bouts with depression have gotten a bit better.  I'm getting more sleep & Mikaila has made progress with talking so life doesn't seem as damning.  The support from friends is great, both online and offline; professionals are doing their job - addressing my concerns and sending us off to specialized professionals when the concern is  out of their specialization.  It is still a work in progress, I am still battling some personal health issues that became quite exaggerated during Mikaila's first few years of life, but these problems didn't just suddenly appear, so they're not going to be quickly fixed.  Everyday is a new adventure and life is relatively good.


****Update October 26, 2011****


Mikaila had the tonsillectomy on October 10th.  

So far we have been able to notice that her speaking is MUCH clearer, it no longer sounds like she has cotton in her mouth.  Still has some delay, but quickly gaining ground & catching up.


Mikaila no longer snores at night.  Absolutely the most heart wrenching thing to be laying by your baby girl, who for almost 4 years has snored every night of her life, and then notice that you are not hearing her breathing...took me almost a week to stop rousing her while she was sleeping, just to be sure that she was just asleep.


I have also not noticed a single runny nose, not even an inkling of a runny nose.  I had noticed a difference after her adenoids were removed in July of 2010...but with the removal of the tonsils & regrown adenoid tissue I can't recall a single runny nose.


Her daytime attitude is MUCH better.  She sleeps all night now that her throat no longer hurts, and life is peaceful...once we get past the bedtime battles 2-3 times a week.

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Four Steps to Putting Away Laundry

Step #1 : Get little sister on your shoulders. Make sure she has a hanger of clothes between her teeth, so she can hold on to your head...


Step #2 : Stand & steady little sister on the shoulders....

Step #3 : Walk to the closet, closer, closer, closer....Hold steady. Little Sister gets the hanger on the bar. Declare Victory!!!!

Step #4 : Repeat until all closet clothes are off the bed & in the closet...


How do you get the laundry put away at your house?

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It Started as just a Comment...

I started to write a comment on A Daddy Blog's blog post about Disney Princesses & the messages conveyed by the Princesses of the various stories. I highly recommend reading the post before reading too far into this post of mine, simply because my post may not make a great deal of sense otherwise. *maybe* I could be wrong, but he wrote a great post, so either way you should still check it out, as well as the comments posted.

*~*Disclaimer: I've been drinking tonight, a lot. My mind is in rambling mode...or my drunk fingers are, I can't tell.*~*

I agree with your sentiment posted, Michael, as well as the points highlighted by the previous commentors.

Both my ex husband & my current husband can be likened to 'The Beast" and myself to Belle - strong willed, intelligent gal, of Beauty & the Beast...the difference is with my ex-husband I thought I could change him over to being a prince charming when he was nothing more than a beast at the core, even still - abusive, controlling, manipulative, you name it...except he was quite the charmer to everyone else, but me, after I was 'sucked in'. Current husband, where he wasn't abusive he did take quite a bit of time & patience to learn what honest love was & that he was worthy of being loved, despite not being 'perfect' by others' standards.

I agree we can't shelter our children from the negative influences...my parents tried, with everything...and from personal experiences, it doesn't matter how well we're taught by our parents, peers, etc we're still going to make some pretty stupid mistakes along the way...its how we learn from those mistakes & grow from said mistakes that shapes us into adults. Some young folks will never experience things like peer pressure to try things like drugs, or wind up in an abusive relationship, etc the list is miles long...I never expected to wind up in any such situation because I was smart, I knew better, I was intelligent, had a straight upbringing, etc...I didn't have the first ounce of street smarts though & that was a hard road to walk after I moved out as a single woman at 18. Then another hard road as a single mom with a toddler before I was 22.

My opinion is - to teach the good, the bad, & the ugly and how to avoid/react to each...then be there for them when/if they fall. That was where I got snared in-my folks weren't there to help me out of a dark situation because they'd taught me better, I went against what I was taught, I had to find my own way out of my own mess. I got the same story from the church I had been attending, other family members, and a random multitude of persons I'd basically grown up with as role models for me. My life was FULL of ideal positive role models. I think I knew MAYBE five whole people who even smoked cigarettes - my grandpa quit when I was 10, he's 78 now, still as feisty as ever, my stepgrandpa smoked what seemed like a carton of cigarettes a day, until the day he died, at 84 years old, from 'old age', and my PaPa smoked until he died 3 days before his 70th birthday - his death was attributed more to just a broken heart from losing my Granny less than a year before after they'd been married almost 50 years. She died of a combination of stress, diabetes complications, and a weak heart, never smoked a day in her life...my Papa was an over the road truck driver & smoked outside, she was barely exposed to any secondhand smoke.

Anyways, my point is - I didn't grow up around alcoholics, those that did have a drinking problem had quit their addictions years before I was old enough to even know they'd drank, ever. I don't think a single person I grew up around ever did any illegal drugs - I wasn't exposed to potheads, meth addicts, coke or heroin junkies...I seriously grew up thinking such things only occurred in bigger cities, like Los Angeles, New York City, & Miami. Of course, now, as an almost 29 year old adult I know better.

I've been exposed to a number of different substances, even ones that I'd never even heard of in my drug awareness classes. I know the street slang for 90% of it too. It is really scary to me to think of what I knew when I moved out of my parents' home, at 18, compared to what I learned within the first 3 years of being out of their home. By the time I turned 19 I was hooked on drinking & smoking pot - to EXTREMES. I sobered up for a while when I found out I was pregnant & then breast feeding, but within two months of leaving my ex, stopping breastfeeding, etc when Mikeal was 13 months old I was back into that party scene....I was also 21, so no longer had to sneak around or fake IDs in order to get into bars and the like. A few months before I turned 22 I found myself homeless with an 18 month old because no one was willing to help me get out of this bad rut I'd found myself in - between the depression, the lack of self-esteem, the complete worthlessness I felt I turned harder towards the "party" lifestyle.

I became the gal that everyone liked, everyone 'trusted', and I was subsequently exposed to more and more substances - I was the go to gal, if anyone ran out of anything I knew who to contact to get more...of course because I didn't do anything more than smoke a bit of weed once in a while and drink like a fish out of water I was a great pack horse to transport *whatever*. Ironically one of my 'contact' persons to get stuff from was/is the lead prosecuting attorney of the city, she guided me as to how to go about getting by with not getting caught, how to get out of having my vehicle searched if I ever was pulled over, the like.

On Mother's Day, right after my 22nd birthday, Mikeal wasn't but 21 months old, I called Child Protective Services on myself. I wanted help, I needed help, I needed motivation or something to get out of this lifestyle I'd gotten myself into. I love Mikeal more than life itself-it was my love for him that prompted me to make that phone call. I PLEADED with the social workers. I BEGGED them to help me, and if they couldn't help me then to at least take Mikeal away from me so he wouldn't be exposed to it all anymore. I was a disgusting excuse of a mother, where my opinion is concerned, frankly that's the only opinion that matters.

Imagine my shock and horror when I was told that because I asked for the help, etc that they saw no reason to intervene and take Mikeal from me. Apparently because I wasn't denying the fact that I was a fairly shitty excuse of a mother and I wanted to protect Mikeal, that he wasn't in any immediate danger, but the living situation was quite dire, (no food, no running water, living with a meth head, & 3 alcoholic adults) then they didn't see the need to take him or do anything at all about my case. They gave me a list of addresses of places I could go to get help, etc during the week. Later that evening, I called again, this time though I told them that I was on the brink of just ending both our lives so that we'd no longer be a burden on society - that worked.

I had to fucking threaten to kill my own child and myself before anyone even glanced in my direction. Two social workers & a police officer came out. In person I told them my first story, of needing Mikeal to be put in a safe home, where he'd be taken care of properly, and I needed help to get my life straightened out. After what seemed like an eternity of pleading they took Mikeal to a group home...the next day they took him to my ex-mother-in-law because she'd seen this as an opportunity to milk the system even further. I wasn't given any restrictions to Mikeal, I was told to get my life straightened out and at any time that I decided I wanted him back to just go get him and bring him back home to myself. And was left at that. It didn't seem to matter that I was needing to turn my alcohol system back into a blood system, or that I was in a dark mental place, etc. I did land myself a fair job, working graveyard shifts at the Waffle House that was within walking distance & then later I got a job at the Denny's just down the road too. I didn't have a vehicle. I tried meth during this time during a particularly horrible week where I was ready to really end it all - it didn't work, I saw no effect from smoking, snorting, or just eating the stuff...and I did a LOT of it that week. The 'professionals' were shocked that I didn't seem to be effected by it. I was over it nearly as soon as I'd started it.

I moved into a slightly better roommate situation - there was at least running water & the power wasn't constantly being turned off. Oh, and they had internet. I turned my 'need' to go out to get drunk into a chatroom obsession. I sobered up because of that chatroom - it was full of great folks, in Texas...I was in Oklahoma, an 8hr drive from the majority of the folks I'd chatted with, including Brian.

By the end of July I was nearly over my obsession to drink & go out, I was also making a fair income, and had someone nearby who was clean & sober & willing to watch Mikeal for me. That's when more problems started. My ex-mother-in-law decided that she didn't want to give Mikeal over to me...after all during those two months the state put her in a housing unit where she only had to pay $25 a month in rent, $25 a month in utilities, got almost $300 a month in food stamps, was awarded her disability for her fake back injury that she'd been working on getting for a while and had been denied several times, her life was GREAT! There was no way in any sort of fucking hell she'd part with her cash cow! She could lock him in a closet and run around all she wanted now. Heck, she even used him to help her in her shoplifting schemes - schemes where she could walk into ANY store empty handed and walk out with a few hundred dollars in cash & merchandise that she'd later sell on the streets.

I digress. After I learned that the ex-hag wasn't going to give me my son back without a fight that I didn't have a leg to stand on to fight one of my dear friends (I've known them all for now almost 8 years) worked a plan with me. He offered to let me live in his house, site unseen, for a few weeks, until I was able to get on my feet there in Austin....I just simply had to get down there with Mikeal. I worked my tail off to make more money...of course the more I earned the more often it seemed that my roommates expected me to pay towards rent, etc, leaving me no further ahead than when I'd started.

I finally was able to get about $500 in my pocket - my grandmother sent me a couple hundred of that, in the mail. I bought myself a Greyhound bus ticket, I was to be leaving out on the 14th of August. I talked my mom into coming up to take me to get Mikeal & drive me to the bus station - we told my ex-hag that I was going to be spending the weekend with my mother & Mikeal, I'd be back on Sunday or Monday, this was a Friday evening. She sent 2 changes of clothes for Mikeal, that was it, and one diaper, although he'd been out of diapers for months when he went to go stay with her in the first place. He'd regressed that much in less than 2 months.

Anyways...my bus left out at 6pm, 12 hrs later it pulled into the Austin terminal. A different chat buddy picked me up at the bus terminal & took me out to where I'd be staying - a GORGEOUS $300K house (for those of you not familiar with what that means in Austin - it meant 4 bathrooms, full entry way, 3 car garage, 4 bedrooms, a huge master suite, formal dining room, HUGE kitchen, HUGE living room, beautiful fenced in private yard, etc...I felt completely out of place. Here I was with every worldly item I owned at that point in two duffle bags, a carry on suitcase, and a normal sized suitcase...I also had a car seat. That was it....well, I did have a few things that my mom took back to her place-enough to almost fill the trunk of her 2door car, but even that didn't amount to much at all.

Over the course of a week complete strangers would drive all the way out there, some from as far as an hour away, to pick me up and take me around town to look for a job. Within a week I landed a job, the next day I was given a car by a different 'complete stranger'. Within a month I met Brian face to face, falling instantly head over heels so fast it still takes my breath away. A week or two later I moved in with him & his roommate.

Of course that wasn't the end of fairy tale. My ex-hag hunted me down & started sending out subpenas that would beckon me to make regular trips back to Oklahoma, she felt completely entitled to Mikeal. I won each and every hearing, simply based on the fact that 1)I'm his mother & 2) she's a convicted felon. She pulled every dirty trick in the book and I was still gullible and naive, we'd work out a 'custody' plan between the two of us...and then she'd run off with Mikeal for a few months with the help of her family. I put a stop to all dealings with her after that incident. She of course hired a lawyer and a few court hearings again the judge finally told her to get over herself and let me care for my child...that was 7 years ago. I've only heard from her once since, and that was about 18 months ago. She told me about how she loved her grandson and yada yada yada yada bullshit until her own son went back to jail for failure to pay child support for a little while. I've not heard from her since, and I don't believe my mom has either (seeing as she has my mother's number, but not my new one). For all I know she's dead from a drug overdose or was caught shoplifting and is now sitting behind bars for the rest of her life, per the terms of her probation from her previous arrest. Either way, GOOD RIDDANCE!

I've only heard twice from the deadbeat sperm donor since I left him in Sept 2003. The first time was in Oct 2005, just a few weeks after I moved back to Oklahoma so I could file for the divorce, then again in February of 2010, where he told the judge he wanted 50/50 custody of Mikeal & to never have to pay child support or he wanted his rights terminated and to never pay child support again. The judge denied him on both accounts and he's still spotty in making child support payments and hasn't bothered with anything else related to Mikeal, the son he loves so much.

Brian on the otherhand, he's been great. We've had some pretty low points, as a couple, broke it off on SEVERAL occasions, but he's always been a daddy to Mikeal. Even when he and I weren't seeing eye to eye there was no denying his relationship with Mikeal, for that reason alone I never completely broke off contact with him...sure we'd gone over a year without seeing/talking to each other, but we had some things individually to get taken care of both legally and personally.

Well, at this point I'm out of alcohol in my juice bottle and out of juice to put in my alcohol bottle, and it's 2am and I should be doing some of my homework assignments, instead writing this entry...but my point is you can give your children the best upbringing in the world, mine was far from 'the best' or even mediocre for that matter, but it was VERY sheltered - I'd never even watched MTV until I was in my mid-20s, and don't care a lick for it - and my young adulthood turned out to be less than stellar. The MOST important thing a parent can EVER teach their child is that they will be there for them to HELP them when they need it and are willing to work for it....and sometimes you have to let them have the opportunities to make some mistakes so that they'll learn from said mistakes so that they can grow away from making deeper mistakes. I'm seriously lucky to have survived those few years with no more scars than what I have now. By all rights I should be dead or sitting in prison for someone else's death or something equally life damning. I can't say I've been given a 2nd chance to make my life awesome...I think I'm pushing the ranks of being on my 20th chance at life, but I can say that the LAST thing I want to do is lie to my children about the reality of life. I don't sugar coat, or make my kids think they don't have to worry about such things because 'we live in a good area'. Because frankly, it doesn't matter in the slightest how nice of an area you think you live in. The crap is everywhere - ALL of it. Right now you have at least one neighbor who beats their spouse, another neighbor that tortures their children, and another neighbor that spends 90% of their time completely strung out on *something*. And maybe that someone is you.

My family and friends, even the ones that saw me on a near daily basis, never knew or admitted that I was being beaten, burned with cigarettes, raped, cut with knives, verbally attacked, etc...yea, sure, I'd tried going to them in the beginning, I tried getting out early...did me absolutely no good to a bunch of folks who preached about how an honorable wife sticks with her husband or the husband had everyone charmed and just thinking that I just had a flare for the dramatic, since I was only 19/20 and he was almost 10 years older than me. After being shot down about it I just got better at hiding it, to the point that I became the things everyone believed me to be - a drunken whore to put it lightly.

I still work on a daily basis to be the woman that I know myself to be before all the bullshit swallowed me, but it's hard. I've only recently gotten to where I trust myself to have an occasional drink or three even, such as I think I've had tonight...I didn't measure out the shots of vodka, I just took a few sips out of the bottle of juice, filled it up with the shot or to I had in my little bottle from a few months ago, then when I drank that down some I poured in a few more shots worth of vodka from the new little bottle Brian brought home for me....But I still can't stomach the smell of whiskey or tequila.

One can make Disney out to be the villain, or MTV, or classmates, or any number of things...the reality of it is it all rests on the shoulders of the parents, caretakers, and role models in a child's life. The lessons taught and learned don't stop when the child becomes a legal adult and moves out of the home. The teaching and molding influence you have over your child doesn't stop until your child has died, at that moment they're no longer able to learn from you. Until that time comes though, they will still continue to learn from you, even after you've passed on before them.

My PaPa's favorite saying all my life was: A day is only wasted if you learn nothing and you teach nothing. Never let a day go wasted. There is always something to learn, even while teaching. He wasn't a scholar, he dropped out of school when he was 8 years old to join the circus, didn't learn to read past that level until he was nearly 60 years old, when he started having to use a computer to drive a semi. However, he was also one of the wisest men I knew. He only passed away about 8 years ago, when I was 20, I saw him on nearly a daily basis for the last 10 years of his life, with the except of the very last year, when I had moved far off to pursue a life with my ex-husband, and I still learn things from the way he lived his life, treated my Granny, their kids, and nearly 20 grandkids and four great-grandbabies (Mikeal was the youngest one born when he passed, Mikeal was 4 months old).

As far as my opinion goes, and it's the only one that matters, my PaPa was a great man. He makes all the Prince Charmings of the Disney franchise look lame. Dads - be the type of man you'd want your daughters to marry. Moms - lighten up and just enjoy...the dishes and laundry will never be caught up and a little dirt behind the furniture never hurt anyone. Money, looks, things, etc mean jack squat. I grew up dirt poor, but I was happy. I married a man with a lot of money (in comparison, at least), who made a lot of money and I was absolutely miserable and mistreated. Now, our family income counts as below poverty level for a family of 4 and I'm happier. I'm still working on some demons & hang-ups I have from my past, but outside of that I have everything I want in my broke, slightly overweight, balding, covered in body hair, Prince Charming. He's kind, honest, trustworthy, loving, and my best friend. That is all I know that matters. The stuff & looks can be gone without even a moment's notice - integrity lives for generations.

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Adventures in CandyLand with Meanie Momma

Santa brought the game of CandyLand into our home, for the 3rd or 4th Christmas, in less than 5 years...I think he gave up last year on the notion, revived said notion this year...because apparently losing all the pieces, cards, etc in the past by Valentine's Day means nothing...

He also brought with him Connect 4 (the one that has to be assembled with 900 Lego pieces & comes with 40 some odd 'chips'), Yahtzee Jr. Toy Story 3 Edition (5 dice, 30 tokens to score points), Uno Attack (lacking the C batteries it requires, complete with full Uno deck), a Feed the Kitty game (roughly 15 pieces, I think), and Uno Moo (28 pieces).

I am dutifully reporting the fact that Connect 4, Lego edition was BANNED for eternity by Dec 26. Yahtzee Jr is missing 3-5 dice on any given day...the day that we're not missing all of them are the days I find them as I step on them in the dark...forget searching for the tokens after Dec. 29th.

Uno Attack still has no batteries...but most of the cards are now missing, as of Jan 5th. Feed the Kitty on any random day is missing 1-12 of the small, dice size 'mice' and the two dice...any of which are again found, in the dark, by my feet, the bowl that comes with the game is often used for afternoon snacks, beverages, feeding our cat Carbon, or giving the dog a bath.

The small balls that accompany UnoMoo are perfect throwing objects for the cat to chase...I mainly find them when I move the couch & loveseat to sweep...occasionally they're also found in the dark, by my feet.

This procession of events has left us with only CandyLand being spared....until tonight.

It started innocently enough. Mikaila pulled it out of the 'game pieces drawer', formerly known as where the games are to be put away, complete with all their pieces, in their respective boxes....that lasted almost an hour, Christmas afternoon...

She then tore the box open, throwing half the cards off to the side, laying out the board, throwing the instructions elsewhere, and claiming the Gingerbread men pieces as 'MINE!' I was working on cooking dinner & critiquing some of my classmates submitted papers, Brian wasn't quite home yet from work, and Mikeal was playing the Wii...no problem with her claim.

She then sat in the floor, off in the corner, with these four small pieces, one red, one yellow, one green, one blue. The five of them proceeded to have quite the lengthy conversation...I only was able to make out the occasional 'Meanie Momma'. Nothing new there.

The intensity of the 'Meanie Momma' comments increased every time Mikaila would walk off from her perfectly spaced, all facing the same direction pieces. I'd turn one of the pieces around to face the wrong direction & oddly space them. Yes, I do have a small fund set aside for her future therapy sessions...about $0.43, so far.

To say the least Mikaila was none too happy when she caught me in the act. The mutterings and 'Meanie Momma' references grew more sinister. She took up taking all four pieces with her everywhere she went...

Brian came home shortly, then dinner was served, and mostly ate by everyone.

After dinner Mikaila decided to name the pieces...The red one is Daddy. The green one is Bubba. The yellow one is Meanie Momma. Mikeal asked Mikaila "which one is you?" ...she picked up the blue one and exclaimed 'You'. So the blue one is You.

With each piece now having it's own name the conversation took on a bit more meaning between the five of them (all narrated by Mikaila).

Having cleared the dinner dishes and vowing to wash them tomorrow I stripped myself of my confining chest adornment. Mikaila then proceeded to climb onto the back of my chair and drop the pieces down the front of my shirt, then lift my shirt to find them. Mikeal, the 8year old boy, was not terribly thrilled with hearing the commotion as he was trying to explain a Wii game to Brian. Yes, I've started his therapy fund as well...I think it's up to $0.56.

After unsuccessfully trying to convince Mikaila to just let me do my homework, I gave up. I made the decision that I was going to teach her how to properly play CandyLand, I'd play a few dozen games, and it'd be fun. And it was fun. Except...

She insists that the red piece only goes on red squares, blue on blue, etc...its interesting to say the least...I lost. I added another quarter to my therapy fund and a nickle to hers.

Of course then it escalated into a game of 'put the pieces where Mikaila doesn't them...because I am the Meanie Momma, after all.

This resulted in a 'Battle Royale' featuring Mikaila with the high wire acrobatics off the coffee table and me laying in the floor, completely defenseless in between laughing hysterically and crying...

That then resulted in me attempted to take away the little CandyLand men...

Which turned into a game of keep away that Mikaila is SHOCKINGLY great at...seriously, you can't do the hand switch thing with her, she knows it's coming, so she sits on your throat and dives down the length of your arm until she pries the pieces from your hand, pulls your oversized turtleneck sweater collar over your head as she stuffs these sharp edged pieces down your back...It continued on in this manner for a good 20 minutes, just rinse and repeat.

Then there were more tears as a piece cut my nose, my throat became the target of assault from knees and elbows, and then finally she pulled my loose turtleneck sweater over my head and came VERY close to completely ripping my shirt off entirely.

I am proud to announce that Mikeal has now taken my spot at the CandyLand board...

This version of CandyLand would be MUCH more fun if my opponent was Brian and not Mikaila...I may not have fought so much against the stripping of my clothing.

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Living with Arthritis

SUCKS!

I am 28 years old. For the past 20 or so years I have dealt with pain in my joints and it's done nothing but get worse. Changing my diet hasn't helped. Losing weight hasn't helped. I've felt myself sink into deep depressions over just not being able to physically do what I want to do. It really SUCKS!

I LOVE to cook. Thankfully I recently acquired some cookbooks that line up a whole month of meals that one can cook in a day. So my family does end up with a home cooked meal on a daily basis, without a ton of work from me every day. But it still sucks that I don't have the actual ability to keep up with it on a regular basis.

I LOVE to sew. Thankfully I did recently acquire, for free, a sewing machine, I fixed a few things wrong with it, and can get much done. Trying to do the bits that I have to do by hand, though, can take weeks. I started a blanket for my nephew, Ryan, a few years ago, he'll be 4 in February. Because of the pain in my hands and shoulders I had to put it away before I even finished the embroidery work on it. Even now, on the new medications that allow me more movement in my hands & body, doesn't change the fact that it was a few weeks of working on it before I was able to actually complete the trim work. I did most of it with the sewing machine, but had to finish the back by hand. Its now a gift to my newest nephew, Vincent.

I LOVE to knit. In the last year I have been able to complete a few hat and scarf sets, one pair of socks, and half a pair of socks. When I am having a few good days I can complete a hat in just a couple of hours, a scarf in just a day or two. I can complete a pair of socks in three days. I have a pair of socks in the works...I started it about 5 weeks ago and haven't been able to finish it since.

I LOVE to write. I haven't been able to even fill out a medical form without feeling like I wanted to cut my hand off because it hurt so badly, much less a short story or poem. The last time I was able to actually write out something I was drunk out of my gourd I've been completely sober for the last 4 or 5 years, outside of the occasional glass of wine...I think I average a bottle of wine every 3 months. I didn't notice the pain so much when I was drunk or stoned. Being sober only sucks in that regard.

I LOVE to dance. It doesn't help the fact that my loving husband doesn't like to dance, but it doubly sucks that it physically hurts me to even try to dance.

I LOVE to wear high heels. I may be 6ft tall already but there's just something about wearing heels that makes me feel great, like a fairy tale princess or something. But again, it causes me so much pain that within no time I have to trade them off for something more supporting, and flat.

I LOVE to work with wood and work on cars. Between operating a screwdriver or using some sandpaper I just want to die.

I LOVE to be outside and play with my kids - running, dancing, swimming, all of it. Now I know if I do so one day I won't be able to for a week. It sucks, BAD. I grin and bear it and try to fake my way through enjoying every minute I am playing with the kids by biting my lip or whatever I have to do to make sure I am very actively involved with them, but most of the time I just want to hide in a corner and cry until the pain goes away. Its quite unbearable most days, but I manage. I refuse to just give-in to it.

I recently had decent enough insurance to be able to see doctors and specialists and the like. I prayed for it to just be a pinched nerve or something else similar in nature that could be repaired or fixed with surgery even. Instead everything came back clean and clear. The allergies I've suffered with all my life - turns out I don't have allergies, I just have a super sensitive nose - was given two different nasal sprays and since I haven't had an instance where I felt like I was dying because my head was so congested. Its been great. I was also put on some medication for the pain and inflammation -neurontin and ibuprofen. It gives me some relief from the stiffness, but not the pain. The pain is often EXCRUCIATING. The sporadic numbness and tingling is often unbearable.

But I continue on. I have children who need me, a house that needs to be cleaned, laundry to be done, food to be cooked, a yard to keep maintained, a husband that counts on me to take care of such things, as his partner in all of this. I'm going to school to attempt to improve my financial gain for when I go back to work. If I can't find a way to get around this pain I fear I will screw up my opportunities.

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A Post a Day

HA! Who am I kidding?! If you're an avid reader of my blog you know that's me doing more of that crazy talk I do once in a while. I can count you lucky though if you catch more than five new posts from me a month, much less anything more than that, especially lately.

So some quick updates:

1) I'm not pregnant at this time. I'm going to be seeing a "real" gynecologist sometime next month to get to the bottom of getting this Mirena removed.

2) Mikaila goes in on the 1st of July to have surgery done to remove her adenoids and have tubes put in her ears. I guess I haven't given y'all that news... Because of her speech and behavioral issues we've been seeing a number of different therapists and specialists. A hearing test was ordered, but before her doc would sign off on it he wanted her to be seen by an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist). The ENT noticed a lot of fluid built up, gave me a script of antibiotics to give her, followed up about 3 weeks later, there was zero change in the fluid, so the surgery was scheduled. The general consensus is that her tonsils and adenoids are larger than is necessary for a gal her size...likely have been all her life since she has snored every sleeping moment of her life. She's a big mouth breather as well, always has been, hence contributing to our problems with her being able to latch on comfortably to breastfeed, bottle feeding was slightly better, but I still had to hold the bottle just so. She's always ALWAYS had sleep issues...some months are WAY worse than others. She's always, ALWAYS, had a runny nose. There really is a long list and had she had a competent doctor to begin with most of these problems could of been taken care of a long time ago. Ironically it wasn't apparent or brought up in the traditional sense because she's only ever had two diagnosed ear infections. The fluid was always mentioned at her well-checks and other visits with her previous incompetent doctor's office, but nothing worthy of more note than that, apparently. UGH!

3) My ex has moved out of Oklahoma. He's supposedly living in Missouri now...and I just won't get into that whole can of "what the fuck" right now. There went my $200 a month child support payment...can I get a "big whoopdeedoo"/"what did you expect"?

4) Brian and I both have awesome health insurance now!

5) This week has been one positive after one negative bombshell all week long.

I'd go into more of the details, but I have an ugly stalker and care not to indulge her with everything too.

Later lovies!

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Mikeal has Hypothyroidism

Google is my worst enemy today...

A few weeks ago Mikeal told me that he was having passing out spells, three total that we're aware of to be exact, since around Christmas. Because of him starting wrestling around the same time that these things were going on I at first chalked it up to dehydration. We hydrated him, things seemed to be "fine", but then again there was no specific rhyme or reason to the black out spells, so didn't know what to think of it. Earlier this month my mom had a package for me on my child support stuff, so I had to go over there and get it....now my mom and I haven't talked AT ALL since Thanksgiving, so she didn't know of any of this stuff, etc. While I was there to get my mail from her we talked for a bit, it was actually a pleasant time, so I told her about all that was going on with the kids, what was going on with Mikaila starting therapy, my health issues and how they were resolved, and indulged her in some of the points of Mikeal's new issues. I left her place scared out of my gourd because she was able to tell me that a lot of what I had described about Mikeal was quite similar to my dad's starting issues. In case it's not known my dad had a heart condition that he had all of his life, but it was never detected until he'd undergone some serious tests, at age 32 when he had his first major heart attack. He died at age 44 from heart related issues and cancer.

Today I was called about the results of his blood work. The nurse said that Mikeal's blood levels and thyroid levels were low, so want to start him on a thyroid medication and to check back in 6 weeks for more blood work. Of course we're going to be moving during this time so I'll have to reschedule with a cardiologist in our new area and a doctor there for the follow-ups...

I went ahead and googled a bit to get more information...

BUT the information I got doesn't seem to really "fit" Mikeal...the information mentions things like stunted growth - he's in the 95% for both height and weight - and learning problems - he's in 2nd grade, top of his class, doing most things at a 4th-6th grade level - being the two big "clues" that there may be something going on. Other things mentioned were an increased sensitivity to cold...I have to FIGHT with him to put a coat on, and it's a battle to get him to wear gloves and a hat, even when it's only in the single digits outside and he'd play outside all day in such temps if I let him. It did mention fatigue, but he sleeps from about 8pm until 6-8am (depending on if he's trying to get out of riding the bus to school). Other things that were mentioned were autoimmune disorders such as Graves disease and Hashimoto thyroiditis or associated with diabetes and celiac disease.

I just feel a bit overwhelmed with it all. Supposedly the nurse is going to give me a call back later, after she's done seeing patients, to answer my questions (I hope) but I don't feel really all that "great" about getting to the probable cause of Mikeal's recent black out spells... that or maybe I'm just a bit disappointed that it came back with something I wasn't expecting, instead of what I was preparing myself to hear.

And now I'm full of every sort of question about this, follow-ups, ways to check for maybe one of the other things as being the cause, etc...and feel like I'm going to be brushed off...I'm not fond of the nurse because at Mikeal's last well check-up I had mentioned some things that seemed a bit "off" about Mikeal and she blew it off as just "normal" 7 year old boy stuff. I feel awful now for just rolling with it because Mikeal has never been able to be classified as "normal" ...I really thought that people were exaggerating "terrible twos" because Mikeal was a blessing, and his 3 year old year was only really terrible for about a month...Mikaila has given me a whole new take on "normal"...but Mikeal, no.

And now having googled, and thinking more about it, the concerns I'd brought up with her, back in August, actually match more with the information I've ran across with my google searches. But because she said these were normal things I let it go and didn't pay attention to it anymore as a concern.

Ugh.

****

So since starting to make that portion of the post I have talked to a nurse at his doctor's office.

I asked her about the possible cause, specifically the auto immune disease possibilities & diabetes, she reassured me the the only "not good" or concerning parts of the blood tests were his low red blood count (RBC) & low thyroid levels, so he JUST has thyroid problems, RBC should go back up when his thyroid levels go up on the meds. He has to take the med daily then retest in 6-8 weeks to make sure the meds are a high enough dose, etc. She said it is most likely hereditary as his bio father's side has thyroid issues everywhere. Also because it was caught in "later" childhood and caught in its early warning stage phase he should not have any permanent damage...such as newborns can have thyroid issues and if untreated or caught later could cause permanent brain damage. If his issues were to go undetected and untreated into adulthood it could cause a lot of issues as well, such as heart problems, weight issues, behavioral issues, and academic problems..where he's excelling now he could be way behind in a few years.

Treatment is just a pill a day and regular blood work, most likely for the rest of his life.

For more information on Hypothyroidism in children I found this website to be quite informational.

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Loving Life!

I love my wonderful, often hectic, mind boggling life!

I have a wonderful husband and two absolutely charming children. Life just can't get any better!

The material things in life, of course could always be better, but the core of my life is as good as it gets, at this point!

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Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)

That basically sums up the conclusion that's been drawn related to Mikaila's behavior, speech, etc "issues". She basically just doesn't process things like everyone else and thus seeks out extreme or extra stimuli. Hyposensitive is basically what describes her best. Hyposensitivity is characterized by an unusually high tolerance for environmental stimuli. A child with hyposensitivity might appear restless and seek sensory stimulation.

The things I marked off under the hypsosensitivity to movement section include :
__ in constant motion, can't seem to sit still
__ craves fast, spinning, and/or intense movement experiences
__ loves being tossed in the air
__ always jumping on furniture, trampolines, spinning in a swivel chair, or getting into upside down positions - she will try to stand on her head anyway possible, hands on the ground, one foot up in the air, with her head down between her hands, she just hasn't quite mastered standing on her head, but she's working on it...its a daily battle almost to keep the couch cushion ON the couch! She loves to bounce, jump, hop, you name it. Her most favorite activity is to jump on our bed, when she's able to get into the bedroom. She's even climbed up onto my dresser and jumped from the dresser to the bed - there's an average of about 6 inch space between the two when she is able to get onto the dresser, just because the bed gets pushed against the dresser so I can open & shut our bedroom door.
__ loves to swing as high as possible and for long periods of time
__ is a "thrill-seeker"; dangerous at times - QUITE dangerous, QUITE often...I think I have gray hair now...and I've not even hit 30 yet!
__ always running, jumping, hopping etc. instead of walking - this one is hit and miss, as she WILL walk, if I make her hold my hand and stay pace with me...which could be counted as a quick walk by most 2 year old standards, since I am quite long legged, but she keeps pace beautifully.
__ likes sudden or quick movements, such as, going over a big bump in the car or on a bike - she LOVES going down the dirt roads & hilly roads, any dip whatsoever in the road produces a "weeeeee" from her, even if she had immediately before the "weee" been fussing


Then the Sensory seeking behaviors are :
__ seeks out jumping, bumping, and crashing activities - Mikeal really seems to enjoy this.. ..as he's often the "target"
__ stomps feet when walking - depends on the shoes she's wearing, the louder clack she can get out of her shoes the harder she stomps, she rarely stomps when barefoot
__ kicks his/her feet on floor or chair while sitting at desk/table
__ bites or sucks on fingers and/or frequently cracks his/her knuckles - not really so much, but she does bite her toe & finger nails...CONSTANTLY! I don't think I've had to trim them more than once since she got top & bottom teeth in..
__ loves/seeks out "squishing" activities - I think she satisfies this craving by putting the dog's food into the dog's water dish, making the food squishy, then play in that...she also like to play in shredded wheat cereal once it's soggy..
__ enjoys bear hugs - if you give her a hug and it's not tight enough she'll hug you tighter, hoping you'd do the same to her, OR she'll pull your arms tighter around herself
__ excessive banging on/with toys and objects
__ loves "roughhousing" and tackling/wrestling games - hence one of the reasons I can only scrub my kitchen floors if she's sleeping or isn't home, she has tackled me to the ground, with a shoulder to my throat, and its with MUCH more force than you'd expect from a 30 pound 2 year old, it HURTS to go over on a concrete floor.
__ frequently falls on floor intentionally - about the 2nd time she went down HARD on the, again, concrete floor or landing on a toy she'll look to be sure there is nothing in her way of going to the floor, then will throw herself with only enough force to be on the floor, not actually hit the floor....
__ would jump on a trampoline for hours on end - she can jump on my bed for hours and hours and hours upon endless hours if she's allowed...otherwise she jumps across the floor here in the living room, jumps from the couch to the couch cushions that are on the floor...always constant motion.
__ loves pushing/pulling/dragging objects - this one I'm a bit hesitant to mark really. She does love pushing around her play stroller, especially if the cats are agreeable to it, she mainly though pushes around her smaller furniture, tote boxes, and stools in an effort to be able to reach something that she wants.
__ loves jumping off furniture or from high places - I swear I have mini heart attacks 50 times a day...FORTUNATELY though she has only really attempted the unsafe jumping when Brian or myself have been there to "catch" her.
__ chews on pens, straws, shirt sleeves etc. - not really so much these items, but similar items, small hard plastic items mainly, like they're gum....I have given her gum and you'd think she just won the lottery or something. One small 1/4 piece of gum can keep her attention for the better part of at least an hour, she doesn't really start "playing" with it, such as with her fingers until she starts to get a bit bored with chewing on it, which takes a while...at least in standards of a 2 year old.

So her occupational therapist sent me a few copies of pages from a book - the book being The Out of Sync Child - the sections she gave me were mainly covering a "sensory" diet. Basically a lot of ideas of activities and stimuli to help her meet her cravings, and both of us keep our sanity.

If I have time later I'll put on here our sleep struggles and progress recently made in that area. :)

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Mikeal's First Wrestling Tournament

He did AWESOME!

He did not win either of his matches, but he did great! I did find it a bit funny to find that his coaches called in his name as Bonds, but it's all good and well, neither Mikeal nor myself minded. Pictures can be found here.

We went to his first tournament Saturday. His first round he went up against a girl...she had him pinned in the first round, he didn't give up, and he tried, but it was quite obvious that she's been doing this for a while, else has a few older brothers who've taught her quite a few things. Mikeal left the match smiling, regardless. I can't tell you how many of those kids I saw BALLING because they'd lost their match! Then to top it off their parents or coaches getting onto them, making them feel even worse.

His second match was against a boy in the "loser's bracket" he didn't win that match, but it wasn't because he was pinned, it was just because after the end of 3 rounds the other boy had more points. The other boy was rough on Mikeal but he didn't give up again and despite getting a bit of a bruising he again walked away from it smiling.

I was so completely proud of him!!! I'll upload some pictures when I get them loaded onto the computer.

But it was NOISY in there.

Just imagine 4 matches going on at the same time. Divisions 1 & 2...which are ages 5-8...roughly 100 kids in that age group, in that small gym. Because of the 4 matches you had roughly 16 coaches all screaming at the kids, telling them what moves to make...2 coaches per kid wrestling. Add in on that parents, grandparents, etc cheering on the kids on the mats, AND siblings all playing, yelling, running around...it was like an utter madhouse!


Poor Mikaila, who hadn't had but a couple of hours of sleep REFUSED to go to sleep, even when I'd take her out where it was significantly quieter...but she did finally sleep for about 5 hours, while I did the Christmas shopping, wrapping, the drive home, etc.

But I'm REALLY proud of Mikeal! I was so awesome to watch him "lose" because to see him after not being announced the winner you could tell that it didn't bother him and he just had a ton of fun! His coaches are also quite awesome!

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Completely Drained, but VERY Accomplished!

Outside of buying stamps...which I forgot to get AGAIN, and I blew my budget today, so I'm not able to spend anything until Christmas Eve ...I'm DONE!!! At least with the main things. The food is all bought...as far as I can remember...presents are all bought, wrapped, & sitting in Nana Pennye's backroom No snooping that way!

I got up at 4:30am today , took Mikeal to his wrestling tournament, he ended up staying after he was done to ride home with one of his buddies, & since I was in a "big city" I hit up a couple of places and spent my entire budget, BUT I did get everything I'd intended on getting, then some , just have to get a few more stocking stuffers. Brian was at work so I was able to even get his present.

I got back to town (as the tournament was about 1 1/2 hours one way away) just as the parade was starting here in town, but Mikaila was SNOOZING! Poor girl! She didn't get to sleep until almost 2am...then woke at 3am, went back to sleep quickly afterward. I dressed her in her sleep at 5am, put her in the van, she fussed a bit, then went back to sleep. We get to the gym at almost 7am...she wakes up as I'm putting her in the stoller, hoping she'd sleep through most of the morning, as she's the type to sleep in until noon, ESPECIALLY when we have a late night - Brian had bought a new tree, so we took down the old tree & put up the new one, and that was just WAY too exciting for her to go to sleep, or even stay in her bed - Once everyone started showing up it got LOUD in there and there was just so many new and exciting things to try to do, she didn't fall back to sleep until she & I left at noon, we were barely out of the parking lot before she crashed...she slept all the way through a trip to Wal-Mart, a trip to a toy store, and another stop. Two hours of shopping, in and out of the carseat, into the bottom of shopping carts, etc. dead to the world. She did wake for a brief few minutes when I'd decided I was done and was going to get something to eat and head home...she screamed through two blocks, then while I was placing my order for the two of us...and crashed before we got our food. Then slept through my unloading the stuff I'd bought at Nana's house, slept through my wrapping the gifts, and did NOT want to wake up when I tried to rouse her enough for us to head to where Brian works to watch the Christmas parade. So a 5 hour nap, or so...yea, tonight is going to be F.U.N!

I have only had about 25 hours of sleep in the last week or so. I feel like I have been go go go go go going for the majority of the last week. I've been up HOURS earlier than normal everyday since Tuesday, I've been gone more hours than I have been home everyday since then. I've gotten a LOT of stuff taken care of this week, but ugh!

I still have to do something for Mikaila's birthday, tomorrow...

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Flame me now!

My daughter is having ...for dinner, mind you...ham slices, Velveeta cheese cubes, pumpkin bread, a banana, & ketchup.

I did try to get her to eat the leftover ham & beans, but she wasn't interested.

Instead she took my by the hand to the fridge. She pointed out the ham, then the drawer I keep the cheese in (for some reason Velveeta is the only cheese I have in there, besides cream cheese ), pointed out the pumpkin bread, then grabbed the ketchup. And has proceeded to request refills on the ketchup, now 3 times. I threw a banana in there for a bit of "value" to her meal....a banana that she actually dipped in her ketchup and ate...after the 3rd ketchup refill.

BUT I can say this is the first time she's ever really "protested" against any food, period, and she did do decent at picking out a balanced meal...of sorts...granted you count ketchup as a vegetable.

I figure it won't hurt to let her pick a meal once in a while, regardless of the head shaking I do after the fact. She did eat it all...well, all that she didn't feed to the cat, after her belly was full.

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I think I'm forgetting something

And I can't figure out what it is....

Today : Pay bills I wasn't able to last week because of the holiday & Mikeal had play practice - check

Tuesday (Dec 1) : Grocery shopping & then Mikeal has wrestling practice & I have a meeting with the wrestling parents, deadline for newspaper entries. Also deadline for fundraiser.

Wednesday (2nd): ??? & Mikeal has play practice..maybe the play practice is what I was forgetting??????until I typed it out anyways.

Thursday (3rd): 11am appt with my child support case worker; Mikaila has speech therapy at 2pm; Mikeal has wrestling practice from 6pm-8pm

Friday (4th): taking the van to the Ford dealership 1.5 hrs away, be there at 1pm, already made arrangements for Mikeal to be picked up from school. Hopefully we'll be able to get in to talk to the gal about the grant on the same day, since she's in the same town....

Monday (7th): Furnace went out on Saturday, hopefully the part needed is in stock, I have to stick around in the morning for it to be fixed...Play Practice

Tuesday (8th): Due date for paper entries; Wrestling Practice; guy coming out to look at our well and give me exact quotes on what work needs to be done to get it up to par or if a new well will need to be dug.

Wednesday (9th): Court hearing at 9:30am, again, against the ex; Play Practice

Thursday (10th): 10am WIC appointment; Pay bills- Phone, electric, insurance, stove, & 1/2 rent; Wrestling Practice

Saturday (12th): Mikeal has a wrestling tournament, this involves getting up at 4:30am, spending all day around screaming folks, and work in some Christmas shopping..???? Christmas Parade in Grove & Jay.

Sunday (13th): Mikaila turns 2

Monday (14th): Play Practice

Tuesday (15th): Due date for paper; Wrestling Practice

Wednesday (16th): Play at the school, during the day; child support court at 1pm, if they get the jerk served his papers.....he's in the jail, as of the 1st of the month, or so, known court dates are earlier in the month, hopefully the modification hearing will be held before he is released or bonded out. Court at 9:30am.

Thursday (17th): Mikaila has therapy at 2:30pm; Play in the evening for parents, etc, Mikeal unable to go to wrestling practice.

Monday (21st): Help out in Mikeal's classroom because his teacher will be gone

Tuesday (22nd): Due Date for paper; Wrestling Practice

Wednesday (23rd) thru Sunday (Jan 3rd): No School

Wednesday (30th) thru ???: Brian's dad and step mom will be here. Official Christmas dinner one of these days.

I'm hoping I am able to survive, outside of a straight jacket, by the time I start working on my New Year Resolutions......

I have other things to add to this month's list of "to-do" but I haven't gotten the exact details yet....

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Just a Quickie

Everyone is doing well here.

Mikaila has really taken to being potty trained, I've not bought diapers in nearly a month, probably should put her in one for back-up, but she has more not goings in the toilet with a diaper on than she does without, that includes bedtime. The only time she has peed in her bed has been when she's upset over having to go to bed, which of course gets her out of bed because then I have to change everything out, clean it up, etc etc. BUT with money being like it is it's better served that I just suck it up and clean up the occasional mess than try to keep a diaper on her.

I've completely pissed off my mother & step-father, what else is new there, I wasn't able to obviously do enough for them until it escalated to the point I just flat out told them I couldn't do anymore. It ended with me telling them they didn't have to worry about us taking advantage of them...yea, I'm confused too...anymore, and slamming the door on my way out, ignoring whatever it was my step-father was trying to lecture me about as I walked to my vehicle and drove off. They're both grown adults, they have no kids living at home, they can take care of themselves, neither one is disabled, so they can both go get a job that actually will work their employees (or in my step-dad's place, just get a real job & keep it).

I did get a lot of paperwork in the mail today for grants & loans & other local programs that might help us with getting the major work done on the house and with those things taken care of it will afford us the ability to do some other things - such as get us some decent health insurance, at least for Brian & I, the kids are both covered. So I've been busy trying not to screw all of that up completely.

Mikeal started little league wrestling a couple of weeks ago. He's really doing great at it, and really getting to be quite toned up! His first official tournament is this coming Saturday, the 28th. I was nominated & elected to be the Secretary & Reporter for the wrestling club, so that's proving to be keeping me busy as well. It's up to me to keep track of everything that goes on at the meetings, keep up with the wrestler's information on a few things, as well as make sure I get articles & pictures into the local paper for publishing.

Brian has had a few opportunities come his way lately, and maybe this spring/summer things will pan out so that he'd be able to pursue one of them.

And me...well, I'm keeping busy as mentioned previously. Grants & loans paperwork piled quite high on my desk right now. The Secretary/Reporter gig on the side. An almost 2-year-old that keeps me on my toes. I've also started up walking 2-3 miles around the high school running track during the times that Mikeal has wrestling practice and Mikaila isn't cooperating with sitting still watching the boys do their thing, for two hours. Now that I've started this Secretary thing I have to be present for each of the meetings, which I guess will be held each practice, so hopefully a friend of ours will come through with watching Mikaila for those two hours on Tuesday & Thursday evenings. I have a few health issues going on, but not sure exactly what is causing them or what it is, but I'll try to let you, my adoring public, know whenever I know. Then add that together with the stress that goes into telling someone that you can't be responsible for both your household and theirs, then they get pissed off at you over it, even though just the one makes a bit more than Brian, and Brian has two children & a wife (me) to support on his right at $23K a year (before taxes are taken out) and they both work, so I don't get it, honestly.

I'll also be typing up & posting some more recipes in the coming days, as I have the opportunity to do so. I have a whole range of yummies to get typed up.

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Ironic? Moronic? Annoying Either Way.

I started working with Mikaila months ago , around the time she was 16/17 months old, on potty training. I took it at her pace, but I didn't just give up on it when she'd decide she didn't want to. Didn't make a big deal out of any accidents, just cleaned up and went on our way.

Here we sit, several months later, she's 22 months old, and I'm ECSTATIC that she is potty trained. For the last week she has not been in a diaper at all during the day, not even when we'd go out to the store or visiting. Yes, accidents happened, but it wasn't discouraging, they happen, we're both still learning this new curve. I'm learning her cues, she's learning her body's cues....then there was the incident of someone not letting her use their bathroom because it's for "employees only". I do put a diaper on her at night because she has ALWAYS awakened SOAKED, it's not mattered the size of the diaper or type, she can SOAK it and be drenched herself upon waking up. I was told that I was headed for problems with her nighttime training because she's so young. Seriously? From that reasoning I suppose it's best to put them in diapers 24/7 instead of half that time.

Well, call me jumping the gun, BUT this morning she woke up 100% dry. Yesterday morning she woke up with just a barely wet diaper. She's also been 100% accident free for going on the second day in a row.

I've not hidden the fact that she's done this. I talked to one of the directors at the pregnancy center earlier today, she went on and on about how Mikaila is too young to be potty trained, that I should wait until she's at least 2.5 because she'd be able to do it all on her own then. Of course there's also been the other folks who have accused me of FORCING her to do something she's too young to be doing, therefore I'm being a bad mother, by the way they've phrased it and their overall body language.

Seriously.

My mom raised 4 kids. Not a single one of which made it to two years old not being potty trained. In fact it was unusual 15/20 years ago for kids to not be potty trained by the time they were 2/2.5, at the LATEST! And these days you're a bad mother because you start introducing them to the whole concept before they're 2 years old?

To each their own, in my opinion, but its rather ridiculous to chastise me for putting up with a lot of shit - literally - while Mikaila learned about her bodily functions, signals, and what to do about it all to prevent having to sit in it all. She's VERY happy about her accomplishments. To the point that in addition to being done with diapers, she's moved onto how to escape from her bed, and not taking naps. Great thing about her not taking a nap during the day is she goes to bed when her brother goes to bed, 90% of the time.

To sum it up, my 22 month old child can :
*recognize her name
*sort blocks by color
*knows that when you say "shhh" that it's time to be quiet
*is potty trained, with GREAT strides being made in regards to nighttime
*use a zipper, by herself
*undress herself - even if I've safety pinned her shirt to her pants, she can get out of it
*put pants & panties on that don't have to be buttoned, by herself
*unscrew lids, even small tiny ones, like on toothpaste tubes, AND put the lids back on
*put some of her shoes on herself....but she prefers putting on everyone else's shoes
*Brush her teeth, herself - front, back, top, & bottom and LOVES doing so
*eat cereal from a bowl, with milk in it, with a spoon, without making a mess, then will drink any remaining milk out of the bowl, without making a mess
*drinks from an uncovered cup, but if the cup is filled past what she'll drink right then she likes to wear it and play in what's leftover
*run, without much falling
*skip
*kick a ball - not far, but she has the concept down
*swing a foam baseball bat, and hit her target 80% of the time - her brother's head.
*can climb steps like they're nothing, especially if she has a rail or hand to hold
*catch/stop a rolling ball
*Jump, without issue
*swim with flotation devices, don't know about without, as I don't chance it
*climb a ladder to go down a slide, even a larger one at the park
*operate the TV & DVD player to play her favorite movies
*open many different types of food packages, which has lead to EVERYTHING being behind a lock or latch of some sort
*will help me with picking up and puts things in where they belong, laundry in laundry baskets, trash in the trash can, stuffed animals in the mesh hamper, etc etc.

She doesn't know these things because I've forced them upon her, she doesn't know them because she's some sort of super genius, she knows them because we do everything together, I involve her in as many of my daily activities as I can so that she can learn. She observes what I do and wants to imitate me, she also watches her big brother and daddy with a lot of the things they do. They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, so I'm flattered and proud to be able to say that she knows these things and is great at doing them. If I'm doing my child some great injustice I'd like to know what it is, I've done the same things with Mikeal, except his first 2.5 years of life were quite tormenting for the two of us, and here he is 7 years old, in 2nd grade, honor roll, ahead of his class mates in almost everything. The only injustice my children have been subjected to is criticism that they're doing things "too soon", instead of being being complimented on their achievements.

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One whole week

Of NO diapers during the day!!!! Barely an accidents as well!!!! Yes, Baby Girl Mikaila is entering "Big Girl-hood". We do still put a diaper on her at night as she does still sleep in the pack-n-play, but we're working on transitioning her to sleeping in the bottom bunk, once that's accomplished we'll move onto no diapers at night. We also have to work on keeping her from using everyone's toothbrush & playing in the sink of the bathroom before I can leave the door to the bathroom open for her quick access, she hasn't figured out how to open doors yet, and I like knowing when she's in there. ;)

Pretty exciting times though!!!!

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OH Muddy Days

are here again.

So its been rainy, cold-ish (in otherwords, not 110*, actually just hovering around 70) and really looking like Fall is here!!! WOOT! Generally we don't start getting Fall until November, if we get Fall. Summer and Winter like to switch off this time of year here. *eyeroll* Who knows by Halloween it might actually be cool enough for parents to actually put clothes on their pre-teens instead of letting them dress up like 8 year old street hookers, likely not, but its nice to dream...

But back to the original thoughts at hand. I seem to have gotten my camera acting correctly - at least allowing my computer to extract the pictures from it, for now. The kids and I got home from going to the store...and since I was busy getting the groceries into the house and answering the phone, Mikaila took the perfect opportunity to embark on a mud puddle adventure.

The two of them had a blast! Mikaila thought it was just the greatest thing ever, but she would, she is quite the water bug. It was rather a bit upsetting for me to have to drag her back inside after half an hour in the mud, but I did have things to get done in the house though. Seeing how its only maybe 70* outside and the kids were wet, they were also cold. But only after getting her wet clothes off of her and she wrapped up in a towel she was much happier to hang out watching Curious George.






And it would appear to be that at some point in time Mikeal was so worried about getting one shirt dirty that he went and got a different shirt... UGH!

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