Friday, October 22, 2010

Different Medical Related update

I neglected to mention that as part of my new treatment avenue my doc suggested I see a therapist.

I've so far gone twice. The first time I think I was there for almost two hours as the bases were touched upon.

The second time it was just a 30 minute session.

She wants me to find one subject to work on at a time.

Yes, to say I have a minor issue with that is another understatement in itself.

Do I just focus on the medical stuff?

Or the crap from my past? Lord knows I have just a few lingering issues from my past.

Do I focus on my marriage? Although, I do have to say that Brian and I did make great strides with seeing closer to eye to eye...or he meeting me eye to eye...the night before my latest session.

Or do I dive into other things that I haven't even mentioned to her yet?

She did touch a small bit of a nerve the other day as she was highlighting on the different things I have brought up....something that I can't let rest and keeps playing like a broken record, over and over in my head and to others who have been so patient as to listen as I turn it over out loud with them.

See, I feel obligated to keep up with some persons even though I feel like they really don't care to hear from me, about me. They're great if I call them up to hear how they're doing, but the moment I mention my stuff or the kids' stuff or Brian's stuff it's like they can't be off the phone quick enough. My therapist asked me if these persons weren't someone I felt obligated to spend my time on, would I? My quick, non-thought out answer was simply 'no'. I can't think of too many 'good' times I've had when either of them were involved. I can't think of any hobbies or activities that I enjoy that they enjoy. I don't share secrets with them. Bad things happen to me and they brush me aside or under the rug, but expect me to drop everything for them.

Its a constant fight of imbalances. I don't know if I'm looking for their approval or a way to close the book on the relationship altogether. In some ways I wish I could do both.

For now I'm not on any medications. I don't see the actual psychiatrist until December. I just get the therapy sessions in the meantime. I'm hoping to be able to work out the issues without medications but I'm fairly sure that won't be the case. It becomes a matter of do I need an anti-depressant? Maybe. An anti-anxiety med? I really don't think so. Maybe they'll skip all the way up to an anti-psychotic? I feel like it some days.

I really don't feel like I'm depressed. I do enjoy a great deal of my life and I do get a bit upset or irritated with not having answers, who wouldn't? But to go as far as to say that I need something to function through my day to day? I don't think so, maybe.

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