Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Admit It....

I can be a completely crass bitch.

I can be... I attempt to choose not to be.

There are times that I see or hear something and can't help but think that to be as ignorant, stupid, or heartless as some others make themselves out to be must be a blessing.

I often find myself lost in a quandry as to what to write or say in many situations.

Some situations a consoling hug doesn't seem to be enough, but words aren't appropriate either. Other situations one could talk until they're blue in the face and all that is required is a good slap across the other person's face.

Other situations require that all you do is shut up and listen. While other situations require that you offer meaningful support, guidance, and information.

Knowing the difference between any of these situations is HARD!

There are times that I should merely just sit back and listen to someone's situation, but instead of listening I find my mind wandering or trying to think up a way to 'fix' their problem or think of what I should say to them.

Other times I've found myself reading something and wanting to say something, know that something is expected of me to say something and words or actions evade me. Situations that all that may be required of me is a hug, but I can't find it in me for whatever reason.

Then there are other situations that the subject or person can be beaten with a stick and the information still not reach their gray matter and I just have to walk away...often resulting in me running long and hard at the mouth (or fingers).

There have been times that I've read something or heard something that all I can think is 'that person really doesn't get it'...and have found myself wishing ill towards them....then modifying that ill will consistently until I've driven myself mad with guilt over wishing it in the first place....which is healthy I suppose, it proves that I do have a conscious and that I really honestly don't wish ill will to others...the guilt is from having the thought in the first place.

I can't really say I judge others and their choices. I'm mature enough to recognize that we're each beings of freewill and how I choose to display my freewill varies from how someone else chooses to display theirs, but I do judge those who appear to be harshly judgmental of others.

Sometimes I let my crass bitch side shine. To say I feel good in the moment is an understatement. In the moment I feel exonerated! Free somehow. Almost like that feeling of being constrained in a three sizes too small bra and the clasp finally being undone...but then the weight bears on me and I feel the need to put a bra back on...tame things back a bit.

Over the last few months I have worked to wear a bra that properly fits...this has involved throwing out some of the ones that are 'much' too small while minding that I keep at least something on to hold me back. Once in a while I still find that one will become a bit those cases I work to adjust the restraints, put some distance between myself and the restraints, or just throw them out before I feel the need to just snap.

It is work...but as I've worked towards this goal I don't find myself feeling quite so annoyed so often. I don't feel the pressure to just blow up and attack with a pair of scissors.

Now, I'm still working on finding exactly what makes me comfortable all of the has been kinda like walking a tightrope between severely passive aggression and violent verbal aggression...two sides of the spectrum that I like to bounce between. I figure one of these days I'll find the middle where I'm completely the meantime I'll keep trying on the different styles of sizes I run across.

Right now I'm feeling frisky...and bloggy....

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