Sunday, April 22, 2012

Riding in Cars with Boys

No, this is not a movie review.

Truth be told I've never seen the movie, but it's a fitting title to this entry.

I also realize I went a few weeks there where I was blogging daily and then I just STOPped again.  That's just how I roll.

I must first set this stage.

Two years ago my family & I moved here to Tennessee.  We rent a lovely farmhouse from a gal I had met on a mommy board forum thingy...

This gal has 4 sons, ages 13, 14, 16, & 20, and one grandson, age 16 months; complete with her bipolar husband that she's known since at least middle school, two dogs, two rabbits, 50+ fish, a mouse, a hamster, a tarantula, and two cats).  Top that reality TV!

Long story short my family is an extension of her family...her VERY extensive family of in-laws & blood relatives...we all celebrate all the holidays together, kids' birthdays, random weekends, the whole works.  I ABSOLUTELY love it & them!  If most of my in-laws & half my family weren't destined to live in the nuthouse to avoid prison I imagine it'd be how I would imagine my family life being - some petty drama, but everyone still loved, honored, & respected each other & didn't even have to pretend to do these things!

In short, off the top of my head, there are, counting my two kids, about 12 boys - ages - 21, 20, 17, 16, almost 15, 13, 10, 10, 9, 9, 4, 2, & 16mo ....There is also almost as many girls - ages - 18, 15, 14, 12, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, and almost 2.  And one baby on the way.  Plus a dozen or so on the sidelines that fade in & out there...hey, I've been here 2 years, see them all at least a dozen times a year & I still don't have the count down totally.  There is also 15 or so adults for this particular batch, plus another dozen or so that belong to the dozen or so other kids...  In short - a LOT of people.  I've lived in towns that didn't have as many people in it.

But they all have their various levels of comfort, especially when it comes to things of a sexual manner.  I'm reasonably open with my kids, it doesn't bother or embarrass me to speak frankly/clinically with them & will answer or correct whatever misconception they may have about anatomy, sex, & child birth - I figure if I do well enough I won't have grandchildren until they're at least in their mid/late-20s.  RIGHT?

So, on with this...

On Friday the 20th my Carbon Kitty had kittens - 5 to be exact; 4 of which survived the birth.


On Saturday, the 21st, we were invited to the birthday party of one of the boys that just turned 9.

All went well at the party.  As the party wound down, that was held at the "MeMaw's" house, Mikeal wanted one of the 10yo boys to come spend the night with us.  I discussed it with his mom & things were settled, such was to happen.

Now, MeMaw lives about halfway between where I live & where my landlady lives (8miles from each of our houses to MeMaw's).  My landlady's just turned 16yo boy works about 1/2 a mile from my house & had to be at work by 4:30, but my landlady had to run home first & take care of some stuff there, before having to run him back out 16 miles, yada yada...  Being the awesome person I am I volunteered to take the 16yo to work - hell, so long as I don't speed past the driveway it's really not at all out of my way.

So I left the party with 16, 10, & 9 year old boys & a 4 year old girl in my car...

I start going over the rules at my house because this particular 10yo boy has never spent the night at my place, plus we have BRAND new kittens.

I'm explaining about how there is NO TOUCHING ALLOWED of the kittens when my son pipes up to explain how our cat POOPED out the kittens....this is that conversation:

Mikeal:  Yea, Carbon pooped out the kittens!
16yo boy: *snicker*
Mikaila: NO WAY!
10yo boy:  Dude - That's GROSS!
16yo : *snicker laugh*
Mikeal:  It's true, all babies are pooped out!
Me:  They're not pooped out, Mikeal.
Mikaila:  EWWWWW
Mikeal:  Well, they came out of her butt!  (said all know-it-all-like)
16yo: *BWAHAHAHAHAHA* *snicker*
Mikeal to Mikaila:  Momma pooped you out!
Mikaila: *laughing* NO WAY!
Me:  No, I did not poop either of you out - I had cesareans with both of you, remember.  Kinda like how LugNut had the puppies - a doctor went in, cut a line across her stomach, then through the uterus, & pulled out the babies.
16yo:  *just howling & snickering*
10yo:  *mind just blown in shock & questions*
Me:  No, she did not.  See, women have what's known as a vagina & vaginal cavity that connects to a uterus where the babies grow...when it's time the babies are pushed down the vaginal cavity & come out the vagina, which is totally different from the butt where poop comes out.



*wait for it*

*Get over your shock that I just told a car full of boys all about vaginas, and used the word vagina & vaginal cavity & uterus*

Breathing now?

Mikeal:  Oh, so babies are peed out!
10yo:  Well, if they're not pooped out, they have to be peed out.
16yo: *HOWLING*

Me:  Dammit!  I almost missed the driveway....

16yo:  Yea, it's hard to see the sign until you're right up on it.

16yo exits the car & goes into work

There is no more talk about vaginas, pooping babies, peeing babies, uterus-es, and the like for the remainder of the 10yo boy's stay at our house.

At some point in time I fully expect to hear from the 10yo's mother...maybe.  Of course I'm good enough friends with the 16yo's mother that I'll likely tell her the next time I see her in person & within a week or two that whole family will know all about it....and poor Mikeal won't have any more friends spend the night least not of this batch of boys.  (No, that last part won't happen as I'm sure they all know that I don't shy away from it...FUCK - they'll likely send the boys over here more often so they can avoid these talks!)

This post was brought to you thanks to @jillsmo & her post: "And no information was actually imparted"  ...I hadn't thought about making it into a post until after I started my comment there.


  1. excellent... excellent...... yes.... very nice....

  2. hahaha thanks for the laugh! I am the same way with my kids.