The End Result

Ok, so first, I wish to apologize in my delay with regards to getting back to this particular subject...I was actually hoping to get more information before I actually wrote this post, but more information just doesn't seem to be in my cards.

The 'story' began back around the 14th of November...well, technically July, but until November everything was 'normal', so there's no point in hashing through all that.

This particular blog post is going to primarily be focused around gynecological details that may border along the lines of TMI, so you've been warned. Its my blog, I force myself to write it, I don't force you to read it.

So...now that the disclaimer is out of the way... Have a nice day... Or if you do decide to read to the end, well, I'm sure you'll be scratching your head in much the same way I have been...but, I still wish you to have a nice day.

November 14th marked 'Day 1' of a new cycle...exactly on time, everything went as it had gone for the last 15 years of my menstruating life. Because Brian and I are not currently using any form of birth control I've been fairly diligent in keeping up with my cycles since having the Mirena removed in July. EVERY month has been exactly 26-29 day averages, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary for me.

November 28th, I was having Thanksgiving dinner with friends, things were going great, I felt a bit off, but was hopeful that my 'offness' was because Brian and I had a pretty good shot of becoming pregnant that month, we'd actually hit my 'peek' dates quite stunningly, so was hoping the 'offness' was just pregnancy settling in. I went to the bathroom at one point only to find that I was bleeding, quite heavily. I silently 'grieved' a bit, talked to our gracious hostess about it, while it was just us sitting outside... Now, a bit of 'twist' she'd experienced the same thing - unexpected mid-month bleeding - just days before me, so I thought nothing of it. Another tidbit - during the last almost three years of 'knowing' her we tend to run on almost the same cycle, hers is only a day or so ahead of mine, and her sister runs right along the same path, just a few days after me.

December 13th rolled around, and nothing. BUT I was suffering from heartburn, exhausted all the time, pukey, cravings, the works, I had hope that maybe I was pregnant and the mid-month bleeding was just extreme implantation bleeding....So I made my friend take a test with me...her sister had started her 'normal' cycle already, meaning we were both late, and it was 30 days since I'd started on time last...all tests came back negative.

December 25th came, she started...I still hadn't. So I took another test. It came back just faint enough for me to think maybe, just MAYBE, I was indeed pregnant. Due to everything that had transpired during the month of December Brian and I had not had much opportunity to do anything that would produce a positive pregnancy test result, which left the mid-November conception dates...

Brian made me quit testing because I was becoming a bit obsessive about the results, and the results never seemed to get any darker. I would have gone in to see my doctor during this time, but she was out of the country until the first of January, wouldn't be back in the office until the 3rd of January.

I talked him into bringing home another pair of tests on New Years Eve. I HAD to know and enough time had transpired that a test would definitely prove one way or the other. I blogged that here.

I was left with no more answers than I had before I took the tests. Two tests, from the same box, gave two VERY different results, using the exact same urine.

I resolved to just wait until I could get in to be seen by the midwife who had removed my IUD back in July, surely she'd be able to clear up the whole matter.

I was able to get in to see her on the 3rd of January...

I only saw the nurse, who instructed me to provide a urine sample, to which I obliged. She ran their urine test, which, regardless of what they tell you to get you out of their office, is no more than a Dollar Store cheapie urine test. Within two minutes she was back in my room, informing me that it was negative, to have a nice day. The bedside manner was just atrocious. So I asked her what the chances were of it being wrong, seeing as just two days before I had a test come up positive. I also asked her about doing a blood test. She rolled her eyes at me, said she'd do another urine test, and ask the actual midwife about blood work.

A few minutes later the nurse returned to let me know that the second urine test also came back negative and that the midwife said that if their test didn't pick it up, no test would pick it up, if I don't bleed for 90 full days then they'll do blood work, until then I was to go home and not worry about it. The nurse also told me that the midwife said that even if all I do is spot that it counts as day 1 all over again.

As if almost on cue I had some spotting after I got home. YAY...I thought..maybe my cycle is going to start back up and my sanity will return. Except not. I only had one twinge of spotting, every day, for the next week, that was it. Some of it I chalked up to 'vigorous' marital activities, just because the spotting could have been a result of such, given the timing of the spotting and general lack of it.

After the end of that week even the spotting stopped...until about the 15th of January. I was almost positive that my cycle had started back up again. I had actual cycle-like bleeding...for almost 12 hours before it stopped again.

Because of the snow and ice on the roads I wasn't able to make it in to see my general doctor until the 20th of January. She sent me home with orders to get blood work done and a full hormone panel.

Here it is the 30th of January, I'm quite confident that I'm not pregnant, as I'd mentioned on the 17th, but I still don't have a clue what's going on. My doctor's office never called me back last week to let me know what the results of the blood work was and I still haven't had anything that resembles a real cycle. At this point, if I was indeed pregnant I would KNOW by now. I figure I'd be about 11 weeks pregnant...based on previous pregnancies that made it this far I'd be feeling the little flutterings of life growing inside me. Not to fail to mention the detail about everyone around me would be able to look at me and see my growing bundle.

So I just don't know what to think/feel.

It didn't help much hearing during all of this that first my brother, who is just younger than I, was expecting a wee one, his wife is due at the beginning of July...or mid-March...I've since heard conflicting dates, but regardless, they're expecting... Then the next morning I heard from my baby brother, he and his wife are expecting a wee one the first of August, after just having one this past August 10. I was also told my by mother that my sister is trying to have a second one. Of course my mom also had to make the comment about how the three not trying to get pregnant are the ones pregnant all at the same time...I had to correct her that we've been not preventing/trying since July, not just since November, like my sister... I'd told her about my possibility around Christmas.

I finally got a hold of her again this past Friday, to let her know what the doctor had said... She was more interested in the affairs of her checkbook than what I was trying to tell her about my miscarriage/body 'hiccup'... Of course she did mention that the older of my two brother's wife was 6 months pregnant, due July 1...no, the math does not add up, and I informed her of such, so now she had no clue. Plus this particular sister-in-law ranks up there with my other favorite sister-in-law as far as being a selfish, controlling, abusive bitch, so my mom may not fully find out the details until sometime after the wee one is born. I'm just hoping my brother is able to stay out of jail for the duration of this pregnancy...he missed out on his oldest two being born because he'd landed himself back in jail. But I am SUPER excited about my baby brother and his wife. They're both extremely respectable, both in the US Marines, and are going to have twinkies, a year apart. *giggle* I can't wait to see them all in a few weeks!!! Its been over 28 months since I last saw my baby brother and I have yet to meet his wife, face to face.

Yes, I know, I'm a bit off track there...my point is no, I am not pregnant. The likelihood that I had a miscarriage is greater than not, but because of the wonderful midwife I may never know for sure. I'm oddly not terribly upset over having a miscarriage, if I did indeed have one, likely for this reason that I just don't know for sure. It could just be that the stress over the last few months did a number on my body, but then again, I didn't really start feeling stressed out until closer to the end of December, so that would not account for the hiccups in November & early December.

Right now I'm just hoping my cycle straightens out sooner rather than later, then maybe we can get back on track with everything. We already have enough fertility issues as it is with Brian being pronounced sterile about 5 years before we found out we were pregnant with Mikaila...then my scared uterus that has been cauterized twice and cut into twice (one D&C after an early miscarriage that wouldn't stop hemorrhaging, another D&C after I lost a 23 wk pregnancy due to abuse at the hands of my ex, and two cesareans) so I don't count on this being a quick process, if it even happens, but getting thrown curve balls like this doesn't help matters much at all.

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